BICYCLISTS: MAY I NAG YOU?
TO THE EDITOR: This is for all you whining bicyclists out there. Welcome to the world of adults you slobbering idiots. The government is systematically eroding our freedoms, and all you can complain about is that you can't disregard rules very sensibly put in place for your safety. People in cars must obey the laws or face the consequences—but you think you're exempt. The road is not a playground, but rather a place populated by adults who are trying to get somewhere. If you really want fun, ride one of the thousands of trails designed for that purpose. What is it about stopping at a stop sign that deletes the fun from riding anyway? Ironically, it is your gross disregard for traffic laws that has necessitated the recent actions of police. I'm glad they're finally cracking down, and your mewling is only evidence that it is working.
A child defines freedom as being able to do whatever it wants. Adults know that freedom means taking personal responsibility for your behavior and thus your destiny; maybe you will one day realize that, or maybe you will get T-boned first: personally, I'm hoping for the latter.
I LIKE TO NAG BICYCLISTS, TOO!
TO THE TWO-WHEELING TURDS (certain bicyclists): I am mainly a motorist due to the commute I must make from Northeast Portland to my work in Lake Oswego. However, when I lived in the Brooklyn neighborhood I had a bike, so I know what it's like to cycle Portland. With all the tension between cyclists and motorists lately, it's no surprise to see cyclists being a little more aggressive and hot headed. That, plus all the pretentious cyclists that already have a chip on their shoulders for motorists, is a recipe for creating a surplus of Two Wheelin' Turds. Just today a guy on a bike wearing his ridiculous spandex racing gear blew right through a stop sign as I was trying to turn. I guess he thought I was too close, so he spit on my car. WTF? Then he began yelling like I'd just committed some heinous crime.
Breaking the law and getting pissed at motorists is only going to give cyclists in Portland a bad name, and may lead to road rage resulting in someone going to the hospital. Motorists as well as cyclists need to share the road and coexist. Neither is going away, so make the best out of it.
NERD HUMOR IS FREAKING HOT!
TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: I just had to tell you with all sincerity, that I'm a huge fan! I love your article [I Love Television™] so much! It is so funny and clever and complete total nerd humor, which is freaking hot and I just had to tell you how much I appreciate you. I read it every week just to see what craziness you're going to come up with next. Keep up the good work, and thanks for making me laugh!
IN DEFENSE OF BRIBERY
DEAR MERCURY: In regards to KJ bribery: My long-held suspicions that Chopsticks II KJs accept bribes was confirmed last year when my then-girlfriend purchased a sweet spot in line with a $5 tip (and further verified by your article on KJs ["King of the KJs," Feature, July 31]). At first I took deep moral offense at this corruption, but then took it in stride. After all, when I go to other karaoke bars they actually PAY me $5 after hearing my life-changing rendition of "Nights in White Satin" by the Moody Blues.
CONGRATULATIONS TO DAN GROTH for three things: (1) winning the Mercury letter of the week, (2) changing our lives with his rendition of "Nights in White Satin"—seriously, after hearing it, we stopped smoking crack and started going back to church, and (3) not being a goddamn nag about bicyclists. OKAY, PEOPLE... WE GET IT. "Bicyclists shouldn't blow through stop signs." Now can you PLEASE shut the eff up? You're worse than our mom. Dan, you'll receive two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish! where they're too busy serving delicious food to nag.
PIZZAZZ! AUDITIONS SEPTEMBER 20!
HEY READERS! Are you "creative"? Are you "talented"? Then turn the page to read all about how YOU can audition for Pizzazz!: Portland's funnest talent show. Holy cow! You could win 1,000 BUCKS!