Apropos of nothing, this guy started sending us his "thoughts of the day" last week. We don't know if this is an attempt to pitch an opinion column (not working) or what.
DEAR MERCURY—I hate drum circles. Forty-five idiots banging on some shitty hand drum, none of whom have either (1) any idea what a drum rudiment is, or (2) any idea what "keep it in clave" means...
DEAR MERCURY—Is it just me or is there someone else who's completely tired of the Swing Out Sister female hairstyle? You know, cut like a pageboy at the front of the cut, rising to the little butt-above-the-neck in the back... I mean they had one hit in like, what, 1988? And the only thing surviving is the haircut... like on every third girl you see in PDX. I get that you're mod, but please tell me: Can you progress?
DEAR MERCURY—I get bicycle activism. I ride every day, since 1988. Locally. I haven't had a driver's license in over 30 years. (Know a woman who finds that attractive? Have her call me—they are few and far between, believe me.) I see how the basic paradigm "take the lane" works for a lot of people here in the Big Dream. But I have some news for you: If you are trucking down a major artery like Powell, Foster, Sandy, or Killingsworth, taking up space in a car lane while right next to you is a sidewalk larger than life with very little pedestrian traffic—virtually a bicycle lane in itself—you are an idiot if you continue to ride in the roadway. If you are familiar with the law, you should understand that THE ONLY PLACE BIKES ARE NOT ALLOWED ON THE SIDEWALK IS THE DOWNTOWN MALL.
DEAR MERCURY—Fun fact: All of the new TriMet buses are not only continuously recording live video, they are recording live audio. For almost a year now. Notice how no one mentioned it until just now? You probably never suspected, did you?
RE: Just us being us, we guess.
DEAR Portland MERCURY—Congratulations: Your latest issue contains absolutely nothing of value. Unless of course you count the brainless dick-tease ad for doughnuts.
RE: "The Sanest Arguments Against Fluoride... and Why They're Still Wrong" [Feature, May 1], in which we endorsed fluoridation of the city's water, kicking a hornet's nest of outrage in the process. We're tired of correcting the number of times anti-fluoride people spell it "flouride."
DEAR MERCURY—I'm against flouride in our drinking water and of course I thought the article was complete bullshit. When debating such a topic, usual arguments include disabilities in infants, health problems, budget cuts; my problems lie specifically in the dental aspect. After seeing some pro-flouride propaganda on the telly and reading the appalling Mercury Wednesdays ago, I'm seriously wondering why the community hasn't geared more toward healthy eating. Naturally.
RE: Those friendly little newspaper boxes where you can find your Mercurys every week.
HELLO—I look forward to each new Mercury, especially for Savage Love and One Day at a Time. However, a couple of weeks ago, I was pulling your paper out of the box and the damn thing fought back, almost breaking my finger. My bird-flipping modeling career, which I'm sure was imminent, has now been destroyed. Please, see the attached sad evidence. Why is your box so angry?
WATCH OUT for that one on SW 6th and Salmon. It used to be an Oregonian box and can be a little snappy! As consolation for your pain and suffering, we offer you two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, where you should also be careful not to shut your fingers in the door!