ACTUALLY, ANN SAID "VA-HEENA"
DEAR MERCURY—It's pretty bad when a female columnist doesn't even know her own anatomy well enough to report accurately the sleazy antics Britney Spears has been up to. Ann Romano stated in her recent article, One Day at A Time [Dec 14], that Spears flashed her "vagina." I've all too often heard this word used incorrectly by clueless men who can't discern the difference between the "canal in a female mammal that leads from the uterus to the external orifice of the genital canal" (according to Merriam-Webster online) and the vulva, "the external parts of the female genital organs."
THE LITTLEST FREAK
DEAR MERCURY—Since I started reading your publication, I've always enjoyed Ann Romano's "One Day At A Time," but have found it to be quite boring lately. Thankfully, I decided to read this week's "Review" [Dec 14], where she finally satirized one of the freakiest child actresses ever to flaunt her freaky little self on the big screen: Dakota Fanning. I would now like to take time to give mucho kudos to Ann Romano for depicting Ms. Freaky McFanning in a not so positive light, and I look forward to more hilarious parodies of this unfortunate aberration of nature.Amado Lumba
OUR LITTLE PONY
DEAR MERCURY—Being an animal lover, I would never dis a horse—but Alison Hallett is a pretty pathetic one-trick pony. "All I could think about," Alison wrote in her review of Meditteranean restaurant Hush Hush ["Keep It On The Hush," Last Supper, Dec 14], "was how good little Lambikins would taste if the cook... chopped her up and stuffed her in a pita." Not five pages later, in her review of the new Charlotte's Web film adaptation ["Who Smells Bacon?" Film, Dec 14], Alison wrote, "Wilbur would be better off as bacon." I'm a vegan, but can we make an exception and chop this pony up and stuff her in a pita?Jack Saturn
BOMBING THE BOMBERS
DEAR MERCURY—In regards to "Bomb Rack" [News, Dec 14], I am completely sick of hearing about the City wasting taxpayers' money to placate the whines from the Zoobombers. Zoobombers have not contributed to our fine Portland other than by annoying the citizens with their sobs and cries.Jeanne
DEAR MERCURY—I've always been a big fan of cheesy pop music. And so, years ago, when 13 Tales of Urban Bohemia came out, I got pretty into the Dandy Warhols. They lost me when 1) they got a horn section on their last album, which just immediately makes me feel "adult contemporary," and 2) I saw the documentary DiG, and yeah, Courtney Taylor-Taylor did seem like kind of an asshole. My point here is that pretty much every rock star, actor, or author that I've ever researched beyond their craft comes off to seem like kind of an asshole. I mean, I like pretty much everything that Erik Henriksen writes in the Mercury, but I'll venture to guess that if he were the subject of an article, or documentary, he'd seem like kind of an asshole, too. I'm not saying that he is, though. If we hung out, and had a few beers, I'd probably think he was alright. Which seems to make my point that beer makes everything better, which is definitely an argument I could get behind... but... uhm... oh hell, forget it. I'm just bored, and have a lot of free time on my hands, and was hoping to maybe get a free dinner out of this. So, in closing, I'll just say that everyone is an asshole, until you get to know them, and then they aren't. Unless, you know, they just are.
Chris (<---asshole)CONGRATULATIONS TO CHRIS for his adorably rambling and mostly pointless Letter of the Week! And since he just came right out and was honest about the fact that he was hoping for a free dinner, we're going ahead and giving it to him. Er, well, actually we are giving him lunch for two at No Fish! Go Fish! and two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, but I don't think he'll give us any quibble.
DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONSIn our review of A Century of Collage at the Elizabeth Leach Gallery [Art, Dec 7], we incorrectly attributed a work of art by Javier Pinon to Paul Butler. For this, we expect nothing but used syringes and dirty condoms in our stockings.