RE: Portland as Fuck, the weekly column written by super-popular comedian Ian Karmel, who will soon leave us all for Los Angeles.
DEAR MERCURY—Hey, how about some kind of Portland as Fuck T-shirts to celebrate and congratulate Ian Karmel on his success? Bonus: We can show our support for him from way back, but not in an angry Supersonics fan kind of way.
RE: General dislike and ill will.
HI—I am really trying to like your paper. I find the general tone of the Mercury depressing, since it feels snarky, edgy, hard, and kinda mean. Maybe this is a big-city thing. Burlington, Vermont, has in my opinion the best alternative weekly around: Seven Days. Basically I want you to be them for Portland. I know, it is a big thing to ask: to change your whole paper. Maybe you could change just a few things at first.
MERCURY EDITOR WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY RESPONDS!
HEY MEGAN—Maybe it's you who should change. Here are some suggestions on how you can be a better reader for the Mercury: (1) Move to Vermont. (2) Ditch your holier-than-thou rural attitude. (3) Try to accept people for who they are rather than trying to mold them to your personality, which frankly sounds passive-aggressive, judgmental, and selfish. (4) Subscribe to Seven Days. Or better yet, start your own paper that is exactly like Seven Days... again, preferably in Vermont. (5) Don't read the Mercury. I realize it's a big thing to change your entire personality, but at least start with number five. We'll both be a lot happier.
Wm. Steven Humphrey
RE: "The Last Last Thursday?" [News, June 26], regarding the ongoing negotiations—and lack thereof—that have called the future of the Last Thursday street fair into question.
DEAR MERCURY—I would like to make an observation about the [comment] post by Magnus Johannesson concerning the city's attempt to have the event taken over by "city cronies," in the form of a suggestion. Perhaps Mr. Johannesson and his associates would consider taking personal financial and legal responsibility for the event, including but not necessarily limited to, the following: (1) all property damage, (2) all personal injuries, (3) cleanup, (4) costs of police intervention, if required, and (5) costs associated with mitigating any action that places people, property, or reasonable and contextual social order at risk. If Mr. Johannesson would consider taking this offer to the city, backed up by some sort of a guarantee with substance or even the posting of a bond, perhaps he and his group would have the basis of a dialogue with [Mayor Charlie] Hales. I have attended, and enjoyed, the event several times. Being a child of the '60s it gives me a welcome sense of those rather innocent times. The ugly truth is that there are always elements whose interpretation of "no rules" means their rules, to both the dismay and regret of those simply trying to enjoy a fun event.
RE: The mysterious case of the missing white rabbit in Southeast Portland (indeed, nothing we wrote about).
DEAR MERCURY—This has nothing to do with any story that ran in the Merc. I was walking through my SE neighborhood today and saw signs posted about Bonnie, a blind, white rabbit stolen out of her hutch one night last week. It takes a special kind of sick in the head to steal someone's pet, let alone a blind one. If you have stolen a pet: What is wrong with you? The carbon in your body would be more useful in a pencil. Get cancer and die. If you know someone who has stolen a pet: Return the pet and go get a new friend.
WE'RE NOT ALWAYS the op-ed type, but we make exceptions here and there for the odd disabled bunny. Here's hoping for Bonnie's safe return. Barring that, you can take comfort in your conscience for bringing attention to Bonnie's plight, as borne out by two prize tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, where hops spring eternal.