CHERNOBYL DIARIES "Dear Diary—Today we're going to Chernobyl! What a fun idea!"

REALLY? You want to see this piece of shit? Why not track down The Cabin in the Woods and watch a good horror film?

BLAURGH, FINE! I'll tell you about Chernobyl Diaries—a movie that does more for worldwide American hatred than George W. Bush accomplished in his tenure as a globally recognized dumbass. In this incredibly sensitive and nuanced film, a bunch of numbnut American kids are vacationing abroad, annoyingly videotaping one another when they decide they're not doing enough for our nation's image and sign up for an "extreme" tourism trip to Pripyat—the abandoned city beside the Chernobyl nuclear plant. This is how much convincing it takes everyone to venture into the radiation-contaminated wasteland: "Wanna go?" "Sure, might be fun!"

So the dunderheads cavort around the desolate Ukrainian city, snapping photos and wearing skinny jeans and planning marriage proposals to each other and getting their pictures taken with the reactor in the background. (Saying things like, "My love for you is explosive." Frowny emoticon.) Do you hate the United States yet? Well, just wait: Rabid dogs start attacking after their tour van breaks down, Blinky from The Simpsons flip-flops through the polluted waters, and then flesh-hungry, mutated survivors start attacking. Yes, mutated survivors of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster. A disaster that impacted more than half a million people a mere 26 years ago. Too soon, makers of Chernobyl Diaries! Way to make a bad movie that is gross and tacky and wholly crude. But stay tuned for their next feature film: The Zombie Survivors of Auschwitz: They Want to Share Their Pain by Eating Your Brain.