GETAWAY Another fantastical tale from the director of the epic Dungeons & Dragons.

GETAWAY is a two-hour car commercial shot on a dashboard cam in Bulgaria by people who hate the Bechdel test.

That's the short review. The long review is that you could replicate the experience of watching Getaway by crashing police cars in Grand Theft Auto IV while Selena Gomez swears into one of your ears and Jon Voight's disembodied pudding mouth mumbles vague threats into the other. That's 90 percent of the movie. To get the remaining 10 percent, you'd have to beat a woman to ironically employed Christmas music, but I cannot endorse that.

The plot could be described as Harrison Ford-esque, in that it is entirely composed of wife kidnapping and exasperated sighs. Ethan Hawke is a man with a kidnapped wife, Voight is a wife kidnapper, and Gomez is not anyone's wife but does get kidnapped as well.

(Gomez also does some "hacking" in a style designed to become an embarrassing meme on YouTube. Google "Selena Gomez Hacking Scene" in about two weeks, see if I'm wrong.)

The acting is... I don't know. It's fine. I like Ethan Hawke. I even like Selena Gomez, although I'm not sure why. No one acquits themselves well here, largely because the writing is astonishingly bad and most of the movie is cars crashing into other cars.

There are some solid car chases. And some okay car chases. And some bad car chases. There are a lot of car chases. If you enjoy watching traffic accidents and literally nothing else, this might be a good movie for you.

You know what, screw it. If you want a low-budget road flick with recognizable faces and growly engines, rent Hit and Run. That movie has car chases and interesting characters. Kristen Bell is in that movie! So is Dax Shepard, but honestly, he grows on you.