THE VIRGINITY HIT Props, nerd. Props.

TO QUOTE A MUCH better movie about sex (Boogie Nights, in which Burt Reynolds' character Jack Horner says): "If it looks like shit, and it sounds like shit, then it must be shit." And The Virginity Hit truly does look and sound like absolute, stinking shit. It's a faux-documentary in the mold of Blair Witch or Cloverfield, in which the characters film the action with their cameras or cell phones. Only instead of a horror movie, this shaky, handheld headache is a sex comedy about—gasp!—a high school kid trying to lose his virginity.

Written and directed by supposed grownups Andrew Gurland and Huck Botko (the other works on these two chuckleheads' IMDb pages include such titles as Broken Condom, Graham Cracker Cream Pie, and, most telling of all, something called Frat House), the most authentic thing about The Virginity Hit is that it actually feels like the work of teenagers who have never once come close to having sex. Its depressing, sickening depiction of women as game-for-anything, camera-happy sluts thankfully has no grounding in anything resembling real life. So let me make an addendum to Jack Horner's shit-detecting rules: If it makes you feel like shit...