So grease is gross and starches are bad for you and carbohydrates turn you into a grotesquely obese sloth, but who wants to eat a fruit plate the morning after you've been drinking like a goddamn fish? Booze isn't exactly health food; you might as well make it a double-header of bodily defacing. That's probably why the Marathon Taverna, a gloriously seedy bar on West Burnside, serves the Gardenburger. Now, some people are operating under the misconception that Gardenburgers are better when papery, hard, and absorbent, without any sort of cheese or grease whatsoever. Obviously, these people are insane. The 'Thon's Gardenburger, a squishy, greasy, cheese-dripping study in arteriosclerosis, is pure unadulterated heaven. It literally drips with gooey vegetarian love. (Of course, what the hell is on the inside of a Gardenburger is anybody's guess.) What's more, it's served with a side of perfectly cooked, starchy-crisp French Fries, making it the absolute best cure for a hangover. What's that, you say? You spent all your money on beer the night before? Don't fret--it only costs $3.25, or $4 with fries. You can make that spare-changing in front of the Fred Meyer in about an hour.
For those of you who still think post-drunk health is important, the Marathon is not completely oblivious to your safety. The 'Thon grills their Gardenburger and stays away from cooking their fries in any weird animal fat or anything. That means it's 100% VEGAN (without the cheese, duh.)