Dear Lord, we give thanks and praise for this bounteous Thanksgiving meal. This turkey is Thy Body, this coffee is Thy Blood. We sup on thee in praise.
Lord, we thank Thee for the fine mashed potatoes, light and fluffy as the clouds on which Your Angels recline.
We thank thee for the gravy, dark and lumpy as the sin still in our hearts.
We thank Thee for these cranberries; for the farm that grew them, for the factory that canned them, for the truck that delivered them, and for all the little people who helped.
Lord, we thank thee for the delicious pecan pie and for my wife Leona who baked it. Thank you for rescuing her from Hell's Kitchen and putting her to work in mine.
Lord, we thank Thee for these peas, for these yams, for this Jell-O. We thank Thee even for our daughter Angela's vegan stuffing. Though Your Mystery is great, we trust Your Plan is wise.
Lord, in these times of tribulation we thank Thee for the righteous victories you have granted our anti-Evil armies against the terrorist heathens in Afghanistan. With Your Left Hand, guide our cluster bombs directly to the heads of the Evil, leaving nearby innocents unscathed.
We thank Thee for the gift of Freedom you have granted the Afghan civilians. With Your Right Hand, guide our care packages into the mouths of the hungry, leaving nearby Evildoers unfed. Help Afghanistan to understand that the nation that bombs them does so out of kinship and love. Help them to know the delicious crispness of Thy Carrot, and the harsh spank of Thy Stick.
Lord, you have shown great impatience with the sins of America. Thank you for being frank with us. You have our full attention! We're listening, Lord, and we pray that all America will listen--and soon! Until they come around, Lord, we thank Thee for smiting responsibly. Shield this family from Your Anthrax, from Your Falling Aircraft, from explosions, and unreasonable searches and seizures.
Lord, we pray that Your Economic Stimulus Package will generate jobs for the growing ranks of the faithful, and that Your New Police Powers will be used with love and gentleness to crush the godless Evil that threatens us. Thank you Lord for George W. Bush, a president who listens--not to us, but to You.