This is NOT Savage Love!
Dear Faggot: For many months now, I have fantasized about making it with Vera, a beautiful Holstein cow at the petting zoo where I work. Vera and I have a warm relationship, and although she cannot speak, her big doe eyes are full of sweet affection. I know that cow humping is frowned upon by city folk, but I love Vera and I know my heart is pure.
I want this experience to be every bit as satisfying and erotic for Vera as it would be for me. I am a gentle and compassionate lover, but I'm worried--I just don't know if Vera shares my kink. Dan, what's the right way to approach a cow about sex?
My love for Vera is true, and my passion unquenchable!
--Sincerely, My Only Offer of Love Undying is to Vera
Heavenly Father! Please rain down a hot hard pestilence of Your Good Vengeance upon the fornicating brow of the above fornicator ASAP! Though you probably love him somewhat, I pray you will smite him handily for his wicked, wicked fornications. Such vile fornicators must not be spared, Oh, Lord. Smite him!
Dear Jesus, what hath you wrought in Your Mysterious Wisdom this time? A gay homosexual beast-lover dares traipse across the pages of Thy Column, mistaking Your Servant for Dan "Savage," that gay homosexual fornication expert and shameless proponent of group Onanism--a fornicator from whom You in Your Wisdom have shielded my gentle readers by five scant pages of newsprint. Oh Lord, smite them both! Harder, Lord!
MOOLUV, step away from that Holstein! Livestock carnality is the very blackest sin in Satan's paint bucket of perversion! If you do not immediately divorce yourself of these queer notions of animal husbandry, bow down right now, and pledge your wretched soul to Jesus Christ, I cannot be held responsible for the calamities that may befall you. Listen to what the Bible says about you and your kind:
"And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast." [Lev 20: 15]
Can the Good Book be any more clear? Not only shall ye be struck down into damnation, but thy beloved Vera will be dragged down with you, mooing and snorting! In Hell, Vera will suffer such cruel torture that a trip to the slaughterhouse would seem pleasant and relaxing by comparison. Oh, the smiting! Repent your carnal beast-masterings! Turn to Jesus and you may yet be saved. Do it for Vera!