Me, Jesus, and You 

Christian Guidance For Today's Misguided Christians

A Prayer for the New Year

Lord, we give thanks and praise to Thee for the year 2002, in which You in Your great mercy protected our nation's buildings from falling heathen aircraft. Truly Your Missile Defense Shield is mighty, and Your Information Awareness is total. Surely 2003 shall see Your Glorious Triumph Over the Non-Christians, Anti-Christians and Insufficiently Christian Christians who poison God's Country with noise and confusion.

Oh Lord, we Your Republicans salute You in Your awesome greatness and bow before You in Your triumph. Finally, Your Chosen Party has seized control of Your Democracy, freeing Your President to deliver Your Great Mercy unto Your Chosen People with or without their cooperation. Praise be! Lord, grant new Senate majority leader Bill Frist the courage to stand by his convictions, and the discretion not to do so in public. Lend Your Congressmen wisdom and forbearance to fairly, thoughtfully, and lovingly outlaw abortion and homosexuality.

Lord, grant our children modesty. Cover their navels, Oh Lord, and unfrost their hair, for lo it seems they are less in Your Image every day. Remind them of the hellfire that awaits sinners, and for those of them who defile the temple of their bodies, spare not thy stern acne of retribution!

Lord, we thank thee for the Fossil Fuels that You have granted us. We raise a great conflagration in Your Name, for though the globe may warm, God's Country shall be air conditioned always. Therefore we beg You to deliver unto us Your Vast Alaskan Wilderness, that we might drill of it, and log.

And when all else is done, Lord, we eagerly await Your Apocalypse and the divine peace thereafter. Send us Your Son to deliver peace and justice to all mankind with outstretched hand and flaming sword. We promise we'll treat him better this time.

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