The Sin of Self-Fornication
DEAR REVEREND: I recently read that Australian scientists have proven frequent masturbation helps prevent prostate cancer. I am getting on in years, and the thought of cancer frightens me. Also, I quite enjoy masturbation. Do you think God really minds?
DEAR "JOHN": Despite what you may read in Scientific Onanist magazine, the spilling of seed outside the confines of your wedded wife is now, and always will be, a grave sin. Genesis 38:10 teaches us that Onan, son of Judah, was slain by God for so staining the sheets of earth with the juice of self-fornication.
I shudder to imagine the methods by which these godless Australians conducted their "science"; by now the streets of Sydney must be slippery indeed. And so, these wicked test-sinners have not succumbed to cancer of the prostate; yet by so defiling God's plumbing of fruitfulness with their base wrenching and squeezing, they have succumbed to psoriasis of the soul.
Indeed, while some libertines argue that human life does not begin until conception, common sense tells us that each sperm must contain half a soul. For every one of them, half a name is written in the Book of Life. You annihilate hundreds of thousands of God's tiny messengers with every onanistic episode, "John." Oh, you may not hear their tiny screams, or their microscopic cries for mercy, but Jesus does. He calls them up to heaven and affixes to each of them with His Tweezers of Kindness a single tiny wing and half a harp. And he adds them up, "John." And each one counts against you in the final reckoning.
Cancer is scary, John. But even more frightening is the thought that these regular sin-squirtings are buying you an eternity in the lake of fire: gnashed, whipped, beaten, and deafened by the anguished screams of Australian scientists and their unfortunate test subjects. But if you instead turn to Jesus today, your prostate may yet receive eternal life. The choice is yours.