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I tried thinking the other day, and goddamn did it suck. I read some Borges, listened to some Vivaldi, and even put down the can of turquoise paint I was cheerfully huffing. But once I started thinking--about global injustice, unemployment, and other un-fun things--I almost slit my wrists right there and then. "Fuck thinking!" I proclaimed, then grabbed my trusty paint bucket and these fine flicks. Now I'm the happiest person ever... and you can be too.

• Blade II (2002)--Vampire hunter Blade (Wesley Snipes) kicks ass and doesn't even bother taking names! Blade II is so, so rad that you'll pee yourself with glee--guaranteed! Like, there's this one part, right? Blade looks at all these vampires who're gonna try to kill him, and he's all "You obviously do... not... know... who you are FUCKIN' WITH!" and then he kills them all in like two seconds. Sweet, right? But then... then he does a bunch of jumping flips and stuff and looks around like "Shit yeah, bitches. I'm Blade." Damn straight, vampire bitches! He's Blade!

• Black Belt Jones (1974)--Shit yes! Jim "Dragon" Kelly stars in this winning combination of blaxploitation and kung fu. When stereotypical Italian mobsters (in one scene, when they're eating spaghetti and are caught unawares, they exclaim "Mama Mia!") try to take over his old karate school, it's up to Black Belt Jones to zip up his leisure suit, smooth his afro, and get a-kickin'.

• Point Break (1991) Hey, fuck you if you don't like Keanu Reeves. And double fuck you if you don't like Patrick Swayze... well, wait, that's okay. Everyone hates him. Anyway, FBI agent Johnny Utah (Reeves), at the suggestion of his liquor-bloated, semi-retarded partner (the perfectly cast Gary Busey), infiltrates a gang of bank robbers led by the lawless Bodhi (Swayze). But there's a catch--Bodhi, et al., are surfers! Hang ten, dude! One minute, everybody's on a surfin' safari, and the next minute, it's gunfights and explosions! Go, Keanu! Surf faster! Faster! ERIK HENRIKSEN

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