Though quite the singing sensation in Germany, Baywatch maestro David Hasselhoff has never received his due props here in America. And while most Americans prefer to honor hacks like de Niro and Pacino, ignoring Hasselhoff's voluminous contributions to modern cinema, it wouldn't hurt to sample a few key works from his notable filmography.
• Witchery (1988)--Hasselhoff is criminally underused as Gary, a photographer who tags along with his virgin girlfriend to an island inhabited by an evil witch. Despite paying close attention, I have no idea what the hell happened in this movie, aside from: (a) an old woman being burned alive; (b) a baby being torn apart and eaten; (c) Hasselhoff's virgin girlfriend getting raped by Satan; and (d) the witch--who looked eerily like Joan Rivers--gruesomely killing even more people with some sort of magical diamond. Skillfully rendered with all the style and taste of a low-budget porno.
• Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical (2001)--I hate musicals, but I rented this thinking its title had to be snidely ironic. Nope--it's all painfully, obliviously earnest. Hasselhoff belts his way through this awkwardly filmed version of an actual play, gleefully chomping scenery like he hasn't eaten in weeks. While Hasselhoff's Hyde is pure melodramatic genius, I could only think one thought: I hate musicals, and this is the worst one that's ever been made. Ever.
• Ring of the Musketeers (1992)--Hasselhoff is in top form in what is, undoubtedly, the worst fucking movie of all time. The premise: the descendents of the original Three Musketeers are a modern-day, motorcycle-ridin', crime fightin' team, under the leadership of that guy who plays the dwarf in Lord of the Rings. Hasselhoff has a dashing mustache, and he brandishes his fencing foil with pride, but--ah, fuck it. I hate this movie so fucking much. Don't watch it, mostly because it'll make you want to kill yourself. And oh yeah--the other musketeers are Corbin Bernsen and Cheech Marin, which makes me pretty sure this was written and directed by a retarded six year-old child. ERIK HENRIKSEN