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the poison ivies

Of all the soft-porn thrillers at the video store, the Poison Ivy series has always been the juiciest. Each stars a hot starlet in the darkest valley of her career: Drew Barrymore, Alyssa Milano, and Jaime Pressly. Each of their characters is sexually obsessed and has power issues, and each cause sorrow and stained furniture. Why resist their bullshit stories and garter hose? You're just going to die anyway...

• Poison Ivy (1992): Drew Barrymore in her prime, after the baby fat and before the giggling. The original Ivy is a teen delinquent with peroxide roots, a sticker tattoo, and a nose ring. She moves into her rich friend's house, and proceeds to give dad sexual climaxes by rubbing her high-heeled foot in his crotch. She borrows the ailing mom's evening gowns and sports cars, as her mental health rapidly deteriorates. Poor Ivy. She could just be a normal, lonely teenaged hornball if she just wouldn't shove people to their deaths.

•Poison Ivy 2 (1995): Alyssa Milano takes over the reigns, this time as Lily, a mousy painter. Ivy's mansion is now a group home for obnoxious art kids, where Lily discovers Ivy's diary and some junk jewelry. Inspired, Lily drives her misogynist art teacher busted-nutty and provokes her retardedly hot boyfriend, Johnathon Schaech. By far the most wholesome in the series, Lily isn't so psycho as she is "going through a rough transition." But that won't stop the destruction caused by a woman's sexual predation...

• Poison Ivy: The New Seduction (1997): This film makes a complete mockery of the plot lines that hold this series together! However, Jaime Pressly as Violet does bring the evil-crazy-slut theme back to its roots, and then some. Like her "sister" Ivy, the violent Violet imposes on a rich family, but doesn't limit herself to just one inappropriate mate. Other than this, and the fact that Violet moonlights as a dominatrix, you don't want to be caught watching this embarrassing flick. Afterwards, you should bury the tape and immediately teach yourself ten new vocabulary words. MARJORIE SKINNER

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