"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity."—Albert Einstein
"Bullshit, Albert Einstein!"— Wm. Steven Humphrey
Sure, while technology may not have cured all our social ills—and may in fact have caused a few extra headaches—scientific advancement has done wonders for one thing in particular: sexy sexuality! Thanks to the popularity of the internet, people who may have once been deathly afraid of their sexual feelings can now simply jump online and quickly realize they are not alone. One thing is certain: The more we talk openly about sex, the greater understanding we achieve—which in turn, adds to our humanity! Sooooo... I guess you can suck it, Einstein.
And trust me, nobody is more willing to talk about the multifaceted sides of sex than hot 'n' horny Portlanders who, for the 10th year in a row, have turned out in droves to fill out our annual Mercury Sex Survey!
This year's theme is "SEXY TECHNOLOGY": Not only did we learn tons about your old-timey methods of sexing each other, but we also found out how you've been adding the latest technological advancements to get even MORE bang for your buck! (Of course, all advancements are not created equal, and there have been times when sexual technology has turned around to bite some of us on the ass. We're looking at you, Greg Oden and Tiger Woods.)
So is this new sexual technology a force for good, evil, or both? Let's find out in this year's MERCURY SEX SURVEY! But first, here's our annual disclaimer:
NOTE: While this poll is one of the most scientifically accurate pieces of data on the planet, our respondents aren't. Some answered the questions twice, some not at all, some passed out stinking drunk. This means that our percentages may not always add up to 100% (or may add up to more). In other words, science—like sex with your first cousin—is often awkward and a little bit ugly. Thank you! Now let's get it on.
HEY, THAT'S ME!
Women stepped up in a big way this year, as 53% of you filled out our survey, followed by men at 47%. That's good, because as men already sadly know, when it comes to sex, women are extremely (and often brutally) honest. Most of you are between the ages of 21-30 (64%), primarily identify either as straight (70%) or queer (12%), and are either in steady relationships (27%) or single (also 27%). Unsurprisingly, most of you are monogamous (70%) though there has been a sizable uptick of cheaters (12%)—or at least an uptick in people who admit they cheat.
Now! While 99% of you agree that vaginal or anal intercourse indeed counts as "sex," you were far more generous this year by also including handjobs/fingerings (52%) in the "is sex" category, as well as oral sex (79%), mutual masturbation (50%) and "footjobs" (30%). Interestingly, guys are more inclined to consider handjobs as sex (30%) than women (20%). Which is a perfect segue into our next subject... INFLATING YOUR NUMBER OF SEXUAL PARTNERS!
People: You need to start inflating your number of sexual partners. According to this year's survey, most of you (16%) have had sex with only four to seven partners, with "eight to 12 partners" coming in second at 15%. Now in 2008, most of you claimed to have had sex with at least "11 to 15 people"—SO WHAT HAPPENED? You're counting handjobs and blowjobs, right? While you're at it, count "titty fucking" too. (Wait... you already ARE counting that? Sheesh. You guys need to pick up the pace in 2010!)
And you're starting fairly early, right? Yeah... our stats reveal that most of you started having sex at 17 or 18 years old (both 17%). So again, why the low number of partners? Was the first time really that awful? Seriously guys! Try it again! It gets better, I swear!
Let's see how many times per week you're having sex. Now that's more like it! Most of you do the bang-bang on average of either "once or twice per week" (27%) or a randy "three times per week minimum" (23%). However, even though you're banging more than the national average, YOU KINDA STILL WANT MORE (42%). In addition, most of you (67%) consider yourself to be fairly attractive... Hmmmm... I think I'm starting to see the problem with your poor "sexual partner" numbers. You seem to be sticking with one person, and sticking it to them on a regular basis! That's okay, I guess... but remember the old adage: "Life is a buffet—so why not at least taste the marshmallow soufflé?"
Now here's a "touchy" topic: MASTURBATION! (Get it? "Touchy?" "Masturbation?" "One touches oneself during the act of masturbation?" OH FORGET IT!!) 39% of you masturbate a few times a week, 17% bang the baloney every day, and... what's this? Roughly 20% of you only pound the pud on a "super rare basis?" Maybe you just need more practice. Chatroulette is great for that, I hear.
And here's an interesting stat: 56% of you heteros have experienced fantasies about sexing someone of your same gender—and NO, that does not make you "gay." However, it does make you more "interesting." (And if you are currently screaming, "I bet all those heteros who think about banging their own sex are CHICKS, man!" then you would be wrong: 25% are men engaging in these fantasies as well. So there, homophobe. Nyaah.)
Now it's time for some good news... and some bad news. The good news: When your current partner has a secret crush on someone else, there's only a 4% chance he/she will fuck them. The bad news is that if he/she has a NON-secret crush (that is, he/she tells you) there's a 10% chance she/he will fuck them. Agreed, the chances are relatively low—but stats don't lie! If your lover tries to tell you about his/her crush, stick your fingers in your ears and run away singing, "NANANANA—I CAN'T HEAR YOU—NANANANANAAAA!" That is, unless you want to increase the odds of your lover cheating on you by 6%.
So enough about you...
LET'S GET TECHNO-SEXY!
Here's how you've been mixing sex and technology in recent years.
I have hooked up sexually (or attempted to hook up) via...
Craigslist = 28%
Facebook = 16%
Mercury Lovelab = 16%
Adult Friend Finder = 13%
Ashley Madison = 5%
Twitter = 5%
(I agree: Nothing kills a boner like Twitter. BTW, a 31% majority of you who have hooked up via the internet have proclaimed the experience "hot!")
Have I ever deliberately misrepresented myself online, to make myself seem more attractive?
Duh, YES! = 12%
Does omitting certain embarrassing facts count? = 15%
No, because it would be a recipe for disaster. = 59%
(Oh REALLY, 59%? That's funny, because I never seem to run into any of you "honest" people online! BTW, omitting the fact that you only have one eye COUNTS!)
Look what I've done!
I've engaged in web cam sex! = 26% (with 25% more considering it!)
I've engaged in chatroom sex! = 34% (Maybe I've seen you there?)
I have sent nude (or partially nude) photos of myself via text or email! = 61% (WOW!)
I have sent sext messages at least a few times! = 48% (Again... WOW!)
I look at internet porn at least every week! = 30% (Not surprising.)
I look at internet porn with a partner! = 36% (Surprising!)
Now let's take a closer look at some of these stats. First, it was shockingly arousing that 61% of you have sent nudie pix of yourself via text or email. At the same time it was baffling that 60% of you are NOT worried that they may wind up on... say... THE INTERNET. Ummm... news flash! I'm looking at nude pictures of you on the internet RIGHT NOW. And happily? You're hot. And check out the stats for this next question:
People who post dirty pics of their exes on the internet are...
Worse than Hitler = 13%
Worse than Bernie Madoff = 10%
Worse than John Edwards = 18%
Worse than Dick Cheney = 27%
Worse than Avril Lavigne = 30%
So the ex-lover of the Blazers' Greg Oden who posted that nudie picture of him on the internet without his permission and as an obvious act of revenge is only worse than AVRIL LAVIGNE?? (Wait. For some reason I momentarily forgot that Avril Lavigne is worse than Hitler. Sorry.)
Now let's talk about "sexts," baby! It's the newest thing, and all the kids are doing it. As a matter of fact, a fun game the Mercury editorial team likes to play is to swipe a coworker's phone and then send an absolutely filthy (and awkward) sext to that person's lover or wife. And it's really funny—unless unbeknownst to you, that person was just diagnosed with cervical cancer. Then it's not so funny. Oops?
Anyway, "SEXTS!" As mentioned earlier a surprising number of you (48%) have sent these sexy text messages—that may or may not include a dirty photo—at least a few times. Around 40% of you keep these "sexts" as cherished mementos of your love, while 50% of you quickly dispose of these messages before your partner finds out. And it's a good idea, too! Because an unnerving 35% of your partners admit to snooping on your cell phone for sexy texts. Take note, Tiger Woods! (Whoops. Too late.)
But come on... should the simple act of sexting with someone other than your partner be considered cheating? Let's go to the stats!
Yep! = 33%
Nope! = 10%
Depends on the length and seriousness of the online relationship. = 22%
Kind of—but it's not grounds for dismissal. = 33%
Okay, but does it count if you're joke sexting one of your coworker's wives who unbeknownst to you has cervical cancer? Okay, shutting up now.
And what about "TEEN SEXTING"? If the hyperbolic reports one might see on KATU are any indication, "Teen Sexting" is the last horseman of the apocalypse. But how do YOU feel about it?
"Teen sexting" is...
A relatively safe sexual outlet. = 46% (Unless I'm the one sexting the teen, of course.)
Kind of a bad idea. = 35% (I already told you! I'm not sexting teens, okay?!?)
Another reason to envy teenagers. = 13% (They really do have all the fun don't they?)
A justified cause for moral panic. = 4% (Sorry, KATU and your "news partner" Willamette Week. [You know, whenever I hear that phrase it makes me think of my grandparents having sex.])
AND PLEASE! LET US NOT FORGET ROBOT SEX!
The following is probably the most important question you answered on this survey. We all know it's just a matter of time before science develops a robot hot enough for us to want to fuck. (And no, Megan Fox doesn't count.) However, just because we can fuck it, should we fuck it? It certainly wouldn't care if we fucked it. It doesn't have emotions. But it would have a semblance of emotions I assume... and what if it started nagging me like my ex-wife? Or started comparing me to other humans it fucked? On the other hand, having fuckable robots nearby would probably make Republicans, like 80% nicer. And it would probably do away with any reason to watch NFL football. That would be cool. Anyway! As you can see, there's lots to consider. But let's just start and end with one simple question:
If science were to create a fairly realistic humanoid sex doll/robot that was affordable and you could program, would you fuck it?
Computing... Yes... I... Would. Bzzzt! = 42%
No thanks! Sex is already impersonal enough. = 48%
Suits me, "no" voters! That just means more impersonal simulated flesh for me. Hey! Let's move on to this year's write-in votes!
YOUR WRITE-IN VOTES
Where's the best place in Portland to meet hot, nice people? You said...
"Anywhere but the Pearl. They're hot, but not nice." "Church probably, but who wants to know nice people?" "Seven Corners New Seasons." "Anywhere, really. Portland's full of hot, nice people." "Hah. If only I knew. Do hot, nice people EXIST in Portland? I'd love to meet some." "Bonfire has been a long-time favorite; Rad Summer, as well as the library staff downtown, and the younger guys that work at Excalibur are cute too." "If I knew, I would not be sitting here filling out this damn survey." "The dog park. Seriously! Some of those dog owners are hot, plus I like seeing people 'real' with their hair all messed up and wearing their sweatpants." "The living room of the guy I lost my virginity to, apparently." "The Matador on Burnside, Rotture/Branx, the internet." "I'd love to know the spot where men will actually approach a good-looking lady and strike up a conversation." "Any of those insane organized bike rides." "I met my fiancé on the Mercury's Lovelab three years ago." "Skating rink! Holocene '90s night." "My butt." "24 Hour Fitness." "On the bus? Am I weird?" "CCs, Red Cap, Steam." "I like the park, any music store or happy hour (not late night)." "Walmart? I have no clue."
Pick two celebrities you'd like to have a threesome with!
"Brad Pitt and Edward Norton and I'd make them call me Maria." "I don't know, they have enough problems." "Jon Stewart, Ezra Ace Caraeff." "No celebrities, but I can think of a few local strippers that I would like to take home." "That guy who is the current James Bond and the guy who stars in Crank." "That chick with the huge rack and the other chick with the slightly smaller rack." "Bob Dole and a cat." "Dora and Boots." "I'd like to watch Dick Cheney get fucked by any well-hung porn star." "Obama and Pink." "Storm Large and Ann Romano." "The mummy and Fabio." "The two ethnic trumpet players downtown." "Alan Bates and Audrey Hepburn, circa 1960s." "Evangeline Lilly, Alyssa Milano." "Johnny Depp, and another Johnny Depp."
What's your current favorite technologically advanced masturbatory tool?
"Two vibrators (one on the clit, one inside) plus girl porn." "Acuvibe, vibrating anal plug, 4" thick cock, and deep-throating porn." "Finger vibrator." "Hand, erotic literature on my smart phone." "Hitachi Magic Wand, for serious. Every girl should have one." "Imagination, shower head." "Imagination, watching my partner masturbate." "Internet porn, imagination, letters from death row." "The Hummingbird." "The 'Promise Ring'." And. It's. Awesome." "Ads on Craigslist." "Vibrating Mach 3, sans razor!" "AIM chat and a vibrator." "Wearing panties, anal vibrator, watching love bondage, gloves." "Chatroulette and a vibrator." "A hydraulic log splitter." "Fleshlight." "My wife's vagina." "Sexting with my boyfriend." "Vibrating prostate massager—fun stuff!" "Web cam porn." "Your hand?"
Your favorite internet porn site?
"BoyCrush.com when I have the money, xtube otherwise."
"Dare Dorms, it's how I pay my student loans."
"Kink.com—Wiredpussy and Publicdisgrace, specifically."
"Literotica, Redtube"
"Pornhub.com—the vintage stuff, particularly the pre-1950s, is HILARIOUS."
"Xtube, Youporn"
"xhamster.com"
"myfreepaysite.com or tube8.com"
