SAFE HAVEN Nice jorts.

WHY ISN'T THERE an emoticon for the thing on all of Nicholas Sparks' movie posters where people are kissing and touching each other's faces? That would make writing this review a lot easier. Because with Safe Haven, that's pretty much all you are getting.

A pair of short shorts and a tank top (filled dumbly by Julianne Hough) star as Katie, a victim of domestic violence who has escaped a "bad situation" in Boston. Katie's being pursued by an alcoholic cop who looks like Dennis Duffy's psychotic brother. Katie lands in a small Southern town to start her new life, and immediately gets a job and a place to live, showing all DV victims that it's not that hard to get away! Look, she could do it! Anyway, Katie meets a lot of wonderful townsfolk, including Aunt Robin (Cobie Smulders) and Fergie's husband (Josh Duhamahelelelamel). Fergie's husband gives Katie a bike, and she shows her gratitude by wearing more short shorts, and then not wearing short shorts, if you know what I mean. And Fergie's husband's first wife died of cancer, and he has kids. Also, boats? Unclear.

Will their love last forever? Or will scary Dennis Duffy fuck shit up? I'm not telling you that! But I'll answer the question you're dying to ask: Yes, there is a rainstorm, and our romantic leads get all wet.

This movie sucks. I was looking forward to crying alone in a dark theater, like I did for The Notebook, but no such luck. I was dry eyed and bored; my emotional reaction to my own disappointment was much more profound than anything the movie made me feel.

In closing, if anybody knows an emoticon for white people kissing in the rain while touching each other's faces in an idyllic Southern town, please let me know just in case I ever have to review another Nicholas Sparks movie.