SECRET FILMS—Shhh, let's not speak, darling. No, no, no. SERIOUSLY. Let us put on our most comfortable sweat suits, grab our pillows, and head to the Hollywood's annual hangover-helping Grindhouse Secret Movie Marathon. We will trust their curatorial expertise in all things 1970s exploitation with this secret triple feature, while feeding the demons inside our heads with pizza and libations. CF
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 3 pm, other two films at 5 & 7 pm, $10 for triple feature

HANGOVER—You need three things to ring in the New Year: a jumbo-sized bottle of Advil, a belly full of grub, and visual entertainment (to distract you from the five pounds of mashed potatoes in your head). So head to Kelly's Olympian for their New Year's Day Hangover Brunch with the Eye Candy VJs, who play only the best music videos from the lost MTV era. Oh, and have a Bloody Mary. Problem... solved. WSH
Kelly's Olympian, 426 SW Washington, 2 pm until you feel human again


FILM + MUSIC—Holocene's live music and film series, Fin de Cinema, is screening Night on the Galactic Railroad tonight. What's that, you ask? Just a little trippy Japanese anime film about two kitty cats who take a metaphysical journey on a train to space. With a live score by Aan and others this should be a fine bit of business for your eyes and ears. CF
w/Purse Candy, Philip Grass, DJ Spencer D; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 8:30 pm, $6

TV—Let's call it "the dark era"—the horrible, awful year when Community creator Dan Harmon was exiled from his own show. But now, at long last, Harmon has returned to his brilliant, beloved sitcom—and tonight's season five premiere boasts not one but two episodes. Welcome back to Greendale. EH
Your TV, Your House, NBC 8 pm, FREE, all ages


CHARITY ROCK—Southeast Portland Mexican joint La Carreta is a local institution—and we're hosting a kickass rock show in the upstairs banquet room! Tonight the Pynnacles, Eyelids, and the Thermals' Hutch Harris (performing a short solo set) will rock the casa, and it's all to benefit Sisters of the Road. This sold out super quick, so hopefully you already have your tickets in hand. NL
La Carreta, 4534 SE McLoughlin, 8 pm, $15, SOLD OUT

DANCE NIGHT—The season of gluttony is over and the season of self-improvement is on. Split the difference by working up a body-toning sweat on the dance floor, fueled by a couple high-calorie dranks and the nimble DJ-ing of Cooky Parker and Holla 'n' Oates' Zeitgeist 2K14, an exploration of future club music. Because let's be realistic. MS
Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $5


ROCK—Red Fang comes in two sizes tonight: The usual, adult-sized, ass-tearing-rock size, and the School of Rock's slightly smaller edition when they play the music of Red Fang, which may tear even more ass than the original, assuming those talented kids have been taking their probiotics and laying off the hooch, that is. MS
Star Theater, 13 NW 6th, 3 pm, $12-15, all ages

MORE ROCK—Local punk gods Poison Idea have been playing an awful lot for a band that broke up, technically, two decades ago. But who the fuck is complaining? This time, though, they're down the bill from Dead Moon—another raw, jangling, legendary beacon from the grimy old Portland that was. DCT
w/P.R.O.B.L.E.M.S.; Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 8 pm, $20, all ages


READING—When the Mercury needed a list of forgotten Portland murders for this year's Halloween issue, we turned to J.D. Chandler—a local author who's interested in the more-obscure tentacles of the city's past. Chandler knows his stuff; he loaded us up with more heavy, terrible acts than we could use. And his new book, Hidden History of Portland, Oregon, is similarly packed with interesting tidbits about the city. DVH
Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 7:30 pm, FREE

MUSIC—For their new EP Small Sound, Tennis teamed up with Oregon producer Richard Swift, and the results sound like Like a Virgin-era Madonna fronting the Left Banke. In other words, deliriously tantalizing pop that spans decades. Don't miss the Denver band when they swing through with their honey-drippin' sounds in tow. NL
w/Poor Moon; Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $12


COMEDY—Start the year off on a soothing (yet hilarious!) note with It's Gonna Be Okay, a stand-up showcase hosted by Mercury columnist Barbara Holm. Tonight's lineup features Seattleites Derek Sheen and Bryan Cook (creator of Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction) and FREE SKEEBALL. Happy New Year! AH
East Burn, 1800 E Burnside, 8:30 pm, FREE

FILM—Terry Gilliam's productions always seem to involve large amounts of anger, turmoil, and controversy. Yet he still gets jobs. Why? Mostly because of 1985's Brazil, a surrealistic satire that's also an adventure, that's also a romance, that's also one of the most striking, inventive, and emotionally draining films of the last 30 years. BR
Academy Theater, 7818 SE Stark, see, $4


MUSIC—Like any soul outfit, the sound of Seattle's Pickwick gathers itself around virtuosic lead vocals. Galen Disston's been called the "best singer in the Seattle music scene," which is a pretty damn big coincidence, since tonight is the night you're finally labeled the "best dancer in the Portland music scene." DVH
w/Lost Lander, Magic Fades; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $3 (if you RSVP through, $12 w/o RSVP

VARIETY—Jokes, trivia, and talented people playing pianos—the spanking-new Mont Chris Hubbard Bonus Show promises a little something-something for every taste. January bonus: a guest-star turn from the endlessly entertaining pianist David Saffert. AH
Tony Starlight's, 3728 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $10, all ages