COMEDY—If you only remember Norm Macdonald from his time behind SNL's Weekend Update desk, you're missing out on one of the best stand-up comics around—combining a pitch-black cynicism with surreal, earnest goofiness, Macdonald's both scary smart and one of the funniest guys on the planet. Don't miss seeing him live. EH
Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, Wed-Thurs 8 pm, Fri-Sat 7:30 & 10 pm, $30-37

MUSIC—Two parts good time, one part activism, tonight is Party Damage Records' answer to recent crackdowns on Portland hiphop performances. Described by label co-founder Casey Jarman as "experiment in intentionally jarring sound-mashing" the show's got Portland hiphop standouts interspersed with local pop enthusiasts. The message is simple, Portland: Stand with your local music scene. The whole thing. DVH
w/the Resistance, Cataldo, Serge Severe, St. Even; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 8 pm, $6-10


MUSIC—Patterson Hood of the Drive-By Truckers is pretty much an honorary Portlander. The dude loves author Willy Vlautin. And he's only a few months from a three-week residency at the Doug Fir this January. Now he's back with his whole band, touring on their new album, English Oceans. And it ought to feel just like old times. DCT
w/Shovels & Rope; Roseland, 8 NW 6th, 8 pm, $26, all ages

MUSIC—For those who like their music on the hard-as-fuck side, Stumpfest returns for year three with a weekend tailored to the strong of heart, featuring Trans Am, Federation X, Yob, and more (including a sold-out Red Fang—turn on the charm, perhaps?). Hit it hard and hit it often. MS
Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, Thurs-Sat, for full schedule


COMEDY—Banter is an art form, and Jordan Morris and Jesse Thorn are modern masters. If you haven't been listening to the pair's relentlessly vulgar, always-hilarious podcast, tonight's live taping of Jordan, Jesse, Go! should be enough to send you scrambling to hit the "subscribe" button. Plus Stop Podcasting Yourself will be there too! DVH
Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan, 8 pm, $15-20

GRRRL FRONT FEST—Comedy and music share the stage during the second year of Grrrl Front, a lady-forward festival boasting performances from Palo Verde and the Doubleclicks alongside comedy from the likes of (Mercury columnists!) Barbara Holm and Bri Pruett. A percentage of proceeds go to benefit the staunch defenders-of-feminism at Bitch Media. AH
Tonic Lounge, 3100 NE Sandy, Fri-Sat 8 pm, $8 or $15 for both nights


SOCCER—The red-hot ladies of Portland's professional women's soccer team don't have time to revel in last year's championship, a feat for their inaugural year. The Portland Thorns are too busy vying for this year's crown, in their first home game of the 2014 season against tough competitors Kansas City FC. CF
Providence Park, 1844 SW Morrison, 7 pm, $13-35

MUSIC—One of Portland's best arts organizations (PHAME, an arts school for adult artists and performers with developmental disabilities) teams up with one of Portland's best musicians (the terrific songwriter Laura Gibson) for a sure-to-be-inspiring program of Gibson's songs and favorite covers from the PHAME ensemble's playbook. AH
Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan, 7 pm, $22-30, all ages


MUSIC—Shoot your pistols in the air tonight in celebration of the 10th anniversary of Portland's beloved spaghetti-western band Federale. A sonic love letter to Italian cowboy composer Ennio Morricone, Federale's reverby guitars, trilling trumpets, soaring vocals, and dark, dusty lyrics are even more powerful today than when they began a decade ago. Ennio would be proud. WSH
w/Daydream Machine; Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $8-10

MUSIC—The thunderously melodic power-pop of Your Rival is one of Portland's best sugary delights, with a knack for earworms and knife-sharp songwriting from Mo Troper (who contributes to the Merc from time to time). Their upcoming EP, Your Rival USA, contains four of your future favorite songs, but you'll get a taste tonight, as well as the just-as-power-poppy Levon's Helmet. NL
Rontoms, 600 E Burnside, 9 pm, FREE


MUSIC—The man responsible for the music that's embedded in your DNA, the 82-year-old John Williams pays a rare visit to Portland to conduct the Oregon Symphony, featuring Bing Wang on violin and performances of some of Williams' stunning compositions—from Star Wars, E.T., Harry Potter, Close Encounters, and more. EH
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 7:30 pm, sold out (get creative), all ages

MUSIC—People talk about opening the third eye, but Kikagaku Moyo will open up your third ear. The Japanese psychedelic alchemists forge a dauntlessly exploratory brand of music that will have you traveling through alternate dimensions at light speed. They're joined tonight by two of Portland's own astral travelers: Moon Duo and Eternal Tapestry. NL
Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $10-12


FILM—The Italians know how to make beautiful products, from shoes to cannelloni to gross-out horror movies. The Hollywood's showing two rare 35mm prints from early '80s Italo horror: The Gates of Hell (from director Lucio Fulci) and the nutzoid Burial Ground: Nights of Terror. Bring a strong stomach and a love of undead gut-munching. CF
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, Gates at 7:30 pm, Burial Ground at 9:30 pm, $8 for both

BEST IDEA EVER—I'm going to make this real simple for you. The Pizza Underground is film star Macaulay Culkin's Velvet Underground tribute band, in which they replace lyrics from the original songs with pizza references. Hence, "All Tomorrow's Parties" becomes "All Pizza Parties," while "Walk on the Wild Side" becomes "Take a Bite of the Wild Slice." Also? Macaulay plays kazoo. If you don't go, you're a goddamn idiot. WSH
w/Toby Goodshank, Wampire, Tiger House; Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $12-15