MUSIC—There are two reasons tonight's show at the Crystal is hella sold out; they are the same two reasons you should find tickets, post haste. (1) Spoon has a new album out, They Want My Soul, and it's white hot. (2) Future Islands are fun as fuck to watch live. I hope you find tickets to this show. CF
w/A Giant Dog; Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 8 pm, sold out (search!), all ages

COMEDY/BIKES—Kickstand Comedy Space, Portland's only combination bike shop basement/comedy club, springs into action tonight with a new weekly show, Earthquake Hurricane, hosted by Bri Pruett, Curtis Cook, Anthony Lopez, and Alex Falcone, with guests Sean Jordan, Nathan Brannon, Whitney Streed, and Sean Connery. As if that lineup weren't enough, there's this: wine, craft beer, and fancy coffee! MB
Kickstand Comedy Space, 1969 NE 42nd, 10 pm, $5


MUSIC—Every month, Mississippi Studios and the Mercury bring you the best in local music, and tonight's free Ear Candy show is a winter-beater of a dance party you daren't miss. Electro-soul poppers Phone Call will kick things into high gear, after the majestic purple funk of Purse Candy and the blissful brainscapes of Fringe Class get things plenty warmed up. NL
Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, FREE

MUSIC—TV on the Radio are titans among indie rockers, with an eclectically informed, modern sound and an intellectual sophistication borne out in everything from the members' extracurricular activities (acting, producing, visual art) to the quality of their music videos. Live, expect nothing short of cultural enrichment. MS
w/Natasha Kmeto; Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 8 pm, sold out (get creative), all ages


MUSIC—What a charming pairing! Cibo Matto—'90s darlings of harmonic, infectious, sugar-sweet pop music with a quirky food bent—open for Tune-Yards. Merrill Garbus and her touring band will be the perfect complement, with their sparkling cavalcade of butt-shaking pop songs from the new LP Nikki Nack. CF
Roseland, 8 NW 6th, 8 pm, $25, all ages

DANCE!—Portland radio outfit XRAY has hosted dozens of fine events all over town, but the station's first-ever XRAY.FM Holiday Dance Party promises to be an enduring Yuletide staple. Dress fancy, then ruin all that fanciness sweating to the city's finest DJs, while band performances, prizes, and a boozy glow garnish the damn thing like so much tinsel. DVH
w/Modern Kin, Vinnie Dewayne, Cooky Parker, Holla 'N Oates, and more; Rotture, 315 SE 3rd, 8 pm, $5-10


ROLLER DERBY—Are you ready for some hot derby action? Then join our Rose City Rollers as they open their 10th season with two rough 'n' tumble home-team bouts: First it's tough-as-nails High Rollers vs. the aptly named Heartless Heathers. Then it's time for current champs, the Break Neck Betties, to give the always-formidable Guns N Rollers the fight of their lives! Don't miss a single second of the fun! WSH
Memorial Coliseum, 300 Winning Way, 5:45 pm, $14-20, all ages

SEXY STORIES—Storytelling events may be a dime a dozen in this town—but only one focuses specifically on SEX. It's the Mystery Box Show, featuring true, hilarious, and sometimes harrowing stories that cover the entire sexual spectrum. Tonight's guests include comic book g nius Matt Fraction, and the Mercury's own Marjorie Skinner... who has some STORIES, believe you me! WSH
Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 7 pm, $14-16


CRAFTY—It's one of the city's signature holiday events: Crafty Wonderland is the single hugest gathering of the region's makers of everything from artisanal spirits to potholders. If you can concentrate on your shopping goals despite the overwhelming options, there are truly unique gifting riches to be had. MS
Oregon Convention Center, Hall D, 777 NE MLK, Sat & Sun, 11 am-6 pm, FREE

DINOSAURS—You might think Walking with Dinosaurs: The Arena Spectacular is for kids, but you... well, you're right. HOWEVER. As a 34-year-old who giddily clapped the entire time when these things last came to Portland, I assure you that seeing life-size—and impressively lifelike—dinosaurs stomping and roaring and prowling and fighting in the Moda Center is pretty awesome. EH
Moda Center, 1 Center Ct, Wed-Fri 7 pm, Sat 11 am, 3 pm, 7 pm, Sun 1 & 5 pm, $24.50-64.50, all ages


BLAZERS—The engine powering our Portland basketball machine is starting to seriously rev up. The contest between the Blazers and the San Antonio Spurs is like a really sweet jump in their path toward the playoffs. Either the Blazers launch off it and head skyward, or they spill off the side of the ramp and endo. Either way: You can't not watch. BR
Moda Center, 1 Center Ct, 7 pm, $18-205, all ages

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS—Those Christmas-obsessed motherfuckers of SE Portland's Peacock Lane are back with a goddamn vengeance, and god fucking help you if you get between them and their charming little street that burns with righteous fury and 1.21 gigawatts of in-your-face holiday cheer. Tonight's the first night they're turning those suckers on, so grab your sunglasses, sunscreen, and peppermint schnapps. See if you can handle it. EH
Peacock Lane (off SE Stark, one block west of SE 41st), Dec 15-30 from 6-11 pm, Dec 24 & 31 from 6 pm-midnight, FREE


FILM & COMIC—David Walker, the man behind the blaxploitation bible that was BadAzz MoFo magazine, is now in charge of the original badass—John Shaft, Ernest Tidyman's private dick. Shaft is making his comics debut thanks to Walker's pen, so help celebrate with a Q&A and a screening of 1972's Shaft's Big Score! BR
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $8

MUSIC—Listening to Jessica Hernandez and the Deltas is like listening to some miraculous fusion of every kind of music at once—Detroit garage rock, Southern soul, Latin street rhythms, New Orleans swing, and Great White Way pizzazz. It's all unified by Hernandez's remarkable, powerful voice, and a backing band that's capable of pretty much anything. NL
w/Rio Grands, Fur Coats; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $12-14