SPOONS!--…I did a search for "spoon" on the internet, and I found, a hilarious online book by 82-year-old spoon maestro A. Claude Ferguson. In other utensil-related news, Austin indierockers Spoon are playing tonight, and their distinct brand of welcoming, head-nodding rock will make you at least as happy as Mr. Ferguson's teachings have made me. EH
Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 9 pm, $15

GLASS & GLOSS--Although they're starting to lose their reputation as "the Portland band that never plays in Portland," an appearance by art punks Glass Candy is definitely worthy of note. Plus, they're joined by the dark, similarly post-punked Veronica Lipgloss, who are definitely one to watch. MS
Towne Lounge, 714 SW 20th Place, 9 pm, $3


MUSIC--Unlike a lot of music fans, I've pledged allegiance to the heroes of my youth for a lifetime. This includes the ever-deadpan and brilliant Steve Malkmus, who I adored as the lead singer for Pavement and continue to love in his proggy, '70s explorations with the Jicks. Check his latest disc: Face the Truth. KS
Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 9 pm, $15

MUSIC--Just because the label-hopping, former child stars of Rilo Kiley are headlining this indierock road show doesn't necessarily mean you should forsake it entirely; openers Feist and the Brunettes carry their own weight. ZP
Roseland, 8 NW 6th, 8 pm, $13-15


JUST ONE MINUTE--…Sure, a minute doesn't sound like very much time, but 60 seconds can hold quite a bit of cool film. For proof, check out the Second Annual One-Minute Film Festival, featuring over 40 sure-to-be-interesting short short films--including one by the Mercury's own Justin Wescoat Sanders, who will buy you a drink if you lie and tell him you like it. EH
Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $3-10 sliding scale

COMEDY--"If you want to spend your life going from airport to club to strip club to ATM back to strip club and then masturbating in a hotel room, then this is the career for you." Good words of advice from Comedy Central's funnyman Dave Attell (and star of Insomniac with Dave Attell) who delivers a hilarious blend of intelligent humor for the sophomoric jerk. Visit the ATM, watch his live stand-up, go home and masturbate. WSH
Roseland, 8 NW 6th Ave, 8 pm, $32.50

ALTERNA-PRIDE--The Gay Pride parade might be tomorrow, but the proudest Pride party happens tonight. Show up at "I Got Your Pride Right Here," and celebrate with the draggy Sissyboy, electronic dance music artist Flava Kelly, and DJs Puppet and Hotpants--who'll be spinning hiphop, dance, and way more. Plus, expect plenty of off-the-cuff live performances by Portland's rowdiest queer and queer-friendly talent. KS
Bossanova, 722 E Burnside, 9 pm, $5


PONG-N-GONG--Okay ping-pong nerds (oooh, I mean "table tennis"), now's your time to shine! The 2005 Pong-N-Gong competition pits 128 intrepid pongers against each other, with winners advancing to the sound of a wind gong. Better stretch out first! MS
Lucky Lab Brew Pub, 915 SE Hawthorne, 10 am-6 pm, $15 registration,

TOM JONES!--Got an ass? Get ready to be knocked on it! Legendary singer Tom Jones may be one of the oldest of the old school of entertainers, but he's got more pizzazz and showmanship than a truckload of fancy-lad indierockers. "It's Not Unusual," "Delilah," "What's New Pussycat," "Kiss," plus a ton of panty-throwing fans! What's not to love? WSH
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 8 pm, $67.35 & $83.35


MUSIC--If you can tolerate John Darnielle's excessively nasal quiver of a voice (and be warned: many can't), you will find that the music and no-frills guitar work he creates for his project the Mountain Goats is as gorgeous as anything out there, and the lyrics he pens stunningly poetic and poignant. I am flabbergasted by this man's songwriting ability. JWS
w/The Double, Sarah Dougher; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $12


READING--Along with massive talent, it takes a certain bombastic ego to write a book as sprawling, ambitious, and highly entertaining as Specimen Days, a novel about NYC's past, present, and alien-inhabited future. Fortunately, Michael Cunningham, Pulitzer Prize-winner for The Hours, has both in spades. PB
Powell's, 1005 W. Burnside, 7:30 pm, free

MUSIC--Based in Italy and featuring former Bay Area skin stalwart Jamie Peterson (Curtains, Old Time Relijun, etc), the stuttering no wave of Dada Swing gained its most notable States-side exposure, fittingly, by way of a track on Kill Rock Stars' illustrious Fields and Streams comp--soon to be followed up by a split with Erase Errata side project Paradise Island. ZP
Berbati's Pan, 10 SW 3rd, 9:30 pm $6


FREE MUSIC--Continuing its extremely excellent recent trend of showcasing local bands at no cost, Berbati's presents the mournful psyche-rock of Secret Puppets, the spooky rambles of Ghost To Falco, and the militantly lo-fi antics of Sex With Girls. JWS
Berbati's Pan, 10 SW 3rd, 9:30 pm, FREE