THURSDAY, JULY 14

WAITER RACES--In honor of Bastille Day, downtown Portland businesses will celebrate all things "French," which includes Frenchy competitions like the 2005 Portland Waiters Race! Thrill to the sight of mustachioed surly waiters racing around a course, carrying trays of real drinks and food! It'll be tres amusant, and I'm putting five bucks on Pierre to win! WSH
200 Market Street Building, festivities start at 11 am, races at 5 pm

MUSIC--The hard-workin' Jerry Joseph and the Jackmormons are a band that simply must be seen live to be believed. With booming vocals and earth-shattering riffs, they somehow make venues like the Doug Fir feel like the Gorge Amphitheater. Get ready to rock for REAL this time. JWS
Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $10-12

FRIDAY, JULY 15

MUSIC--With a ridiculous name, grindcore pedigree, '70s frame of mind, and a penchant for double-digit song lengths, Green Milk From the Planet Orange represent just about everything Japanese rock bands do best. Temper all of that with the band's heaving kraut and psyche leanings, and, well… why aren't you there yet? ZP
Food Hole, 20 NW 3rd, 9 pm, $5

NOT AGAIN--If we write another word about a certain band playing tonight, we'll have to change our name to Glass Mercury or Portland Candy. So I shan't. Instead I will say that between Kill Me Tomorrow's noisiness and the self-descriptively named Dance Disaster Movement, you will not be sorry you came out. MS
w/Secret Puppets; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $5

SATURDAY, JULY 16

BECK--So he got all Scientologist on our ass. So what? It's not like he's getting married to Tom Cruise. And does that make his amazing beats and trippy melodies any less potent? And sure, the weird hiphop stylings on his newest, Guero, are derivative of the Odelay Era, but the Odelay Era was when Beck was king of the world. Remember? No? Well, you will. JWS
Memorial Coliseum, 7:30 pm, $37.50

MUSIC--Drunk Horse prove the guitar solo is still alive. Plus they and sing macho lyrics which will cause you to crack open a can of beer and thrash around. Also on the bill are Yakima's Federation X, who play pretty damn amazing dark rock music. Get it while the gettin's good. KS
w/Last of the Juanitas, Black Elk; Berbati's, 10 SW 3rd, 9:30 pm, $7

SUNDAY, JULY 17

FIRE AND STUFF--The freaks are out tonight for the hellishly named "Thee 999 Eyes ov Endless Dream Travelling Cirkus and Carnival ov the Damned". Expect arty carnies, various monstrosities, music, a "fireninja," horrific suspension tricks, marionettes, butoh, and sexy cabaret dancers aplenty. Sweet Jesus. MS
Liberty Hall, 311 N Ivy, Fri-Sun, 8 pm, $5-13 sliding

DRUNK--Sure, you've snuck your 40-ouncers into the park before, but today they're actually encouraging you to drink in public! Like a German beer garden dropped from the heavens, the International Beer Fest provides over 100 different exotic brews for your imbibing pleasure. PB
North Park Blocks, noon - 7 pm, free entry, 10 beer tickets for $20, July 15-17

MONDAY, JULY 18

READING--The bling-bling allure of hiphop may not be exactly what Martin Luther King, Jr. had in mind with his "I Have a Dream" speech, but it has done more in the past three decades to break down racial barriers than just about anything else. Or so argues Bakari Kitwana, the former editor of The Source, in his new book, Why White Kids Love Hip Hop. PB
Powell's, 3723 SE Hawthorne, 7:30 pm

TUESDAY, JULY 19

SEXY TUESDAYS--It's sexier than ever to protect a woman's right to choose. So join your local Planned Parenthood gang for their semi-regular "Sexy Tuesdays" event, at which you can hobnob, enjoy cocktails and pizza, and learn how to help get abortion rights out of the hands of asshole male conservatives. (Besides, "Sexy Tuesdays" beat "Nihilist Mondays" any day of the week.) WSH
Ecotrust Terrace, 721 NW 9th, 5:30-8:30, $15 advance, $20 door

WEDNESDAY, JULY 20

INGREDIENTS--Creating art is hard enough as it is, and doing so under pressure is even tougher. Tonight, some of Portland's best audio and visual artists--including filmmaker Ryan Jeffrey, Audio Dregs founder E*Rock, and electro stalwarts Ainu--rise to the challenge. Hence the imaginative event Ingredients, wherein Holocene gives 10 video artists and 20 musicians limited time (less than a day) and limited materials to create something new for the viewing/listening public. EH
Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, FREE

MUSIC--Doing their best to prove that--contrary to all reason--humor still has a place in punk rock, Philly's Need New Body rain down with a five-man, spazzy assault that attacks from all sides. Though Where's Black Ben?, the band's recent 5RC debut, is something of a genre-less mess, it surely won't hinder NNB's ridiculous live show. ZP
Loveland, 320 SE 2nd Ave, 8 pm, $8