BRITS—Following their sudden, meteoric rise in the mid-'00s, Sheffield, England's Arctic Monkeys have matured into that rarest of things: a radio rock band whose songs are neither stupid nor sappy. They're not teens anymore, but their music still swings with plenty of youthful energy. NL
w/the Vaccines; Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 9 pm, $28-30, all ages

STAY GOLD—There's an INSANE number of stars in Francis Ford Coppola's over-the-top 1983 production of S.E. Hinton's classic YA novel The Outsiders—Swayze, Dillon, Cruise, Howell, Macchio, Lowe, Estevez... JESUS! The list won't stop! Join in the fun with musical guests Hausu tonight at Top Down: Rooftop Cinema. WSH
Hotel deLuxe parking garage, SW 15th & Yamhill, 8 pm, $9


JOKES—As comedy nights continue to infiltrate Portland's nightlife, curatorial chops and experience increasingly separate the hilarious from the just plain uncomfortable. Topping the list of names you can trust is Fly-Ass Jokes, a regular showcase at the Brody that this week features Nick Walker, Shane Torres, Ian Karmel, and others. AH
Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, 8:30 pm, $8

BIKE—There'll be spandex, beer, and potential bloodshed. The 10th annual Portland Twilight Criterium bike race hits downtown blocks this afternoon with hefty cash prizes, food, and drink. AZ
SW Park & Couch, 4 pm (races 6:30 & 7:30 pm), FREE to watch, $25-35 to ride

SHHHHH!—Curated by artist Chris Johanson, the Quiet Music Festival of Portland proves that the most tranquil music can pack the mightiest punches. For two nights at Disjecta, silence reigns supreme, with low-volume sets from the likes of Kyp Malone (TV on the Radio), Tom Greenwood (Jackie-O Motherfucker), the Golden Bears, and plenty more. EAC
Disjecta, 8371 N Interstate, Fri & Sat, 8 pm, $7 a day, $12 for both days, all ages


GO-GO'S DANCERS—Round up the ladies! The Go-Go's are in town for a concert at the Oregon Zoo, making for a truly magical "beauty and the beat/beast" moment. Thirty years after they made you squee in pre-pubescence to "Our Lips Are Sealed" and "We Got the Beat," Belinda Carlisle & Co. are still rockin' their girly California charm. CF
w/Girl in a Coma; Oregon Zoo, 4001 SW Canyon, 7 pm, $24, all ages

SOAPBOX DERBY—The always-hilarious PDX Adult Soapbox Derby returns for its 15th year of thrills and chills, as homemade art cars race down the twisty-turny Mt. Tabor volcano. New this year: an intermission featuring the Last Regiment of Syncopated Drummers! Bring a picnic and beer (no hard booze) and celebrate the never-ending fun and ingenuity of Portland! WSH
Mt. Tabor Park, SE 60th & Salmon, 10 am, FREE


BATTY—Hot on the heels of Fruit Bats' multiple excellent performances at Pickathon, main Bat-man Eric D. Johnson takes to the Doug Fir patio for a stripped-down solo show, including tunes from the great new Fruit Bats record, Tripper. Considering the Bats are masters of everything from gently washed psychedelic folk to fucked-up disco, a performance from Johnson promises to be more than just your average dude plucking an acoustic guitar. NL
w/Run on Sentence, mbilly; Doug Fir patio, 830 E Burnside, 3 pm, FREE

BRIDGE IT—Early to bed, early to rise, because after 9:30 am, you are late to Bridge Pedal, which starts kicking off its bike rides (and walk) at 7 am. Your reward for shaking off the sleepy dirts early is a breathtaking view from the city's bridges—all of them—no cars allowed. MS
7-9:30 am start times, $25-45, all ages, go to for routes


SMOOTH OPERATOR—Come home with a black belt in lovemaking after a night with Sade, still making the smoothest, silkiest, sexiest sounds known to human ears. The English group, with iconic lead singer Sade Adu, hasn't toured in close to 10 years, so this is one you won't want to miss. MH
w/John Legend; Rose Garden, 1 Center Court, 7 pm, $39.50-149.50, all ages

NOTES OF A DIRTY OLD MAN—Tomorrow's the birthday of beloved poet/novelist/drinker/pervert Charles Bukowski, so celebrate in style tonight with local readings, rare Bukowski footage, and a screening of 1987's Barfly, written by Bukowski and starring Mickey Rourke. Then pass out in an alley! EH
Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan, 9 pm, $5


HAIL SIA—Babelicious Australian singer Sia confirms the inarguable truth: sexy female vocals never fail to enchant. The blonde has progressed from cooing, down-tempo ballads to buoyant pop candy—and effortlessly, too! Her steamy sighs and heartfelt, thick exclamations mesh perfectly with her new, dancey sound. CD
w/Oh Land, Ximena Sarinana; Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell, 8 pm, $20-22, all ages

HAIL CAESAR—Against all odds, that new Rise of the Planet of the Apes movie ain't too shabby! Andy Serkis—the same dude behind Gollum in Lord of the Rings—plays the CG Caesar, a super-smart chimp who leads an ape assault on the bewildered residents of San Francisco (including perpetually bewildered James Franco)! It's goofy as hell, but also... kinda badass? No, wait. Make that totally badass. EH
Various theaters, see Movie Times for theaters & showtimes


LOUD—Pelican doesn't need any fancy gimmicks; just give them a few instruments and a stack of amps that stretches toward the heavens. The instrumental Chicago quartet has etched a name for itself, one colossal riff at a time, as they straddle the fine line between the infinite precision of post-rock and the bong-huffing splendor of stoner rock. EAC
w/Aeges, Shelter Red; Hawthorne Theatre, 1507 SE 39th, 8:30 pm, $13-15, all ages

PICTURE THIS—Seattle-based artist Stacey Rozich shows her illustrations at Compound Gallery. Influenced by folklore, the pictures in her Stories They Told Us exhibition are strangely haunting, colorful, and evocative of forgotten childhood memories. MH
Compound Gallery, 107 NW 5th, Mon-Sat noon–8 pm, Sun noon-6 pm, FREE, through Sept 4