DOUBLE DOPENESS—It's the five-year anniversary of I've Got a Hole in My Soul, and they're gonna blow the roof off, with the "godfather of soul DJs" Mr. Fine Wine, DJ Name Names (AKA Ian Svenonius), Jonathan Toubin, and of course founder Beyondadoubt. Plus a midnight dance contest, a photo booth, and live video mixing by E*Rock. MS
Branx, 320 SE 2nd, 9 pm, $5

MIXSWEENEY'S—Local reading series Literary Mixtape teams up with the indie powerhouse McSweeney's to celebrate the re-release of 1968's The Rector and the Rogue, the tale of a Victorian prankster who took on the Trinity Church. The book's editor, Paul Collins, will be on hand, as well as other notable local McSweeney's contributors, all reading work by writers they love. AH
w/Tom Bissell, Arthur Bradford, Elizabeth Miller; Valentine's, 232 SW Ankeny, 7 pm, FREE


GREAT NUTS—Local favorite Cool Nutz is calling his upcoming show, timed to mark the release of his new album The Cook Up, "The Greatest Rap Show Ever"—which, considering it'll include performances from the likes of Vursatyl of the Lifesavas... well, who are we to argue with that? EH
w/TxE, Serge Severe, DJ Wicked, & more; Ash Street Saloon, 225 SW Ash, 9 pm, $10

TY LIVINGSTON SEGALL—I met Ty Segall while watching Thee Oh Sees play on a balcony. A bouncer told the crowd we'd bent the balcony by a foot and we were all about to plummet to our doom. Ty Segall started jumping. He also writes the best garage psych songs imaginable. SS
w/Mikal Cronin, Cyclotron, Still Caves; East End, 203 SE Grand, 9 pm, $11


FANGTASTIC—This is all you need for the best night ever: 1) Metal. 2) Sandwiches. 3) Laughter. That's why local food cart Big-Ass Sandwiches—whose mammoth sammies have fueled many a Mercury lunch break—have invited not just the righteously heavy Red Fang to play their second birthday bash, they've also got comedian Brian Posehn and Portland's own Ron Funches and Ian Karmel, who will more than deliver in the chortle department. NL
Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell, 8 pm, $12-15

THE HORROR, THE HORROR—'Tis the season to enjoy a delirious night of horror. Strap in for an all-night marathon of Romero's Day of the Dead, summer camp murders in 1981's The Burning, crazy wizard battles in the Shaw Brothers' The Boxer's Omen, and finally, the hilarious 1982 slasher flick Pieces. Carb load through the night with copious amounts of pizza, beer, doughnuts, and coffee. CF
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 9 pm, $12

TUUUUUBA!—Tuba Christmas seems like the beautiful dream of a six-year-old. Hundreds of musicians (from grade school to old school) gather to play holiday tunes on instruments that mostly sound like fart machines. Tuba! Tuba! Tuba! It's like that, times 200. Tuba! Tuba! Tuba! SM
Pioneer Courthouse Square , SW 6th & Morrison, 1:30 pm, FREE


CRAFTY BAZAAR—Two major sales this weekend feature local artisans: Local institution Crafty Wonderland, and sharply curated newbie the Portland Bazaar, helmed by Design*Sponge in concert with local organizers. Don't kill yourself trying to choose: They'll be barely half a mile from each other for two whole days! MS
The Portland Bazaar, Sandbox Studio, 420 NE 9th, Sat-Sun 9 am-6 pm, FREE; Crafty Wonderland, Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE MLK, Sat-Sun 11 am-6 pm, FREE

OCCUPIE!—Support economic equality, but don't necessarily want to camp out or get pepper sprayed? The Mercury and the Bus Project are hosting Your Slice of Occupy, a smart panel discussion about the future of Occupy and how we can change politics after all the tents are taken down. Plus, free pie from Whiffies! Democracy never tasted so good. SM
The Cleaners at the Ace Hotel, 403 SW 10th, 4-6 pm, FREE


TENNIS, LOVE—Don your cutest whites; Tennis is coming to town. The wife-and-husband duo creates melodious, sugary beauty with simple and jangly pop reminiscent of nights spent dancing under the crepe paper of a high school gym. Come watch 'em hold court and play a golden set, with new songs from their upcoming album Young and Old. CF
w/Miniature Tigers, Devon Williams; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $11-13

SHINY—For festivity on a budget, the long-running Christmas Ship Parade can't be beat. Swing by your favorite river viewpoint through December 20 to catch the Portland tradition as it makes its rounds. Routes vary by day, but tonight, the fleet will be heading upriver toward Milwaukie to spread some cheer to the 'burbs. MJ
Willamette and Columbia Rivers, Dec 8-20, weekdays 7 pm & weekends 5 pm, FREE,


SECRETS—To perform her new composition for percussion, former Explode into Colors drummer Lisa Schonberg put together a seven-piece ensemble. The mysteriously named Secret Drum Band—featuring an enviable bevy of local percussive talent—unveils the piece over two performances at two venues, one all ages and one for the drinky-pants crowd. NL
w/Golden Retriever, the Bubs, Sad Horse at Backspace, 115 NW 5th, Tues 8 pm, $5, all ages; w/Marisa Anderson, 1939 Ensemble at Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, Wed 8:30 pm, $5, 21+

TRIVIAL PURSUITS—Tonight, local podcasters Cort and Fatboy celebrate two years of their insanely popular Geek Trivia night—and they're busting out extra prizes and one-night-only shenanigans to celebrate. Go. Display your geeky knowledge. Win. Rejoice. EH
Kennedy School, 5736 NE 33rd, 7 pm, FREE


NAUGHTY, NOT NICE—Well, looks like Santa's "naughty list" got a little longer this year. Find out why from the hilarious storytellers behind Naughty Listed: Stories of Holiday Misbehavior. Live Wire!'s Courtenay Hameister, comedian Ron Funches, actress Meagan Kate, and more share their most twisted true tales of holiday mayhem! (Benefits Planned Parenthood Advocates of Oregon! Yay!) WSH
Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne, 7 pm, $20

AUTUMN SOUND—Sun Angle are three musicians, all veterans of familiar local bands (Panther, Copy, Paper Upper Cuts), who have an ecstatic and deliciously psychedelic debut EP to share with you. Do show up early for Pigeons, a local indie rock group with a bounce in their step. WE
w/Yards; The Woods, 6637 SE Milwaukie, 8 pm, $6