HEY HOLMES—What might open-faced, good-natured comedian Pete Holmes have in common with Conan O'Brien besides a towering frame? If the rumors are true, it could be his own talk show—a televised answer to his You Made It Weird interview podcast—which would blast him onto a new level of exposure. Say you saw him when. MS
Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, Wed-Thurs 8 pm, Fri-Sat 7:30 & 10 pm, $10-25

SOUL TIME—The funky, funky soul of Charles Bradley may sound sweet now, but they were hard won from years of homelessness and scrambling from job to job. Now paired with the heavy horns of the Menahan Street Band, Bradley is spreading his danceable James Brown-influenced music to the world—and we are all the better for it. WSH
Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, 8 pm, $20-23, 21+


GET GAY MARRIED—Today is the first day same-sex couples can apply for marriage licenses in Washington, so if you're a lovey-dovey Portland queer, indulge in a romantic trip to America's Vancouver. Or volunteer to make the day special for others by handing out snacks and managing lines with Equality Southwest Washington. SM
Clark County Clerk, 1200 Franklin, Vancouver, 8 am-7 pm, $64 cash for license, 18+

EUROPE—As anybody who watches OPB on the weekends knows (REPRESENT, MOTHERFUCKERS), Rick Steves' Europe is a charming look at traveling through Europe through the eyes of the charming Rick Steves. Tonight, he's giving a lecture on how to hone your travel skills—and while tickets are a bit spendy, the money all goes to OPB, so yes, okay! EH
Newmark Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 7:30 pm, $50


THE END—I suppose all good things must end, but that doesn't mean we have to like it. After nearly a decade of jawing away about movies, videogames, politics, and poop, beloved Portland podcasters cortandfatboy are calling it a day. Help Cort Webber and Bobby "Fatboy" Roberts (who's also our calendar editor) celebrate their last show. Sigh. CF
w/Mike Russell, Courtenay Hameister, & more; Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne, 9 pm, $6, 21+

LOOK SHARP—The minimal, haunting R&B of How to Dress Well (the alter ego of Tom Krell) is delicately, icily beautiful, with glowing crystals of sound forming to make tragic love songs. New York duo Beacon opens, and they're no strangers to melancholy, offering subdued electronica that pulses and shivers. NL
w/Hustle and Drone; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $12

HAL 9000—One of the greatest filmmakers of all time takes over Cinema 21 this week, with four classics screening on 35mm! A Bit of the Old Ultra-Kubrick features the absolute must-sees by Stanley Kubrick: Dr. Strangelove, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Barry Lyndon, and A Clockwork Orange. Go to this. All of them. EH
Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st, Fri Dec 7-Thurs Dec 13, see for showtimes, $6-9


SHOP—Pick your independently run, carefully curated poison this weekend with two massive shopping events. Local treasure Crafty Wonderland unleashes its biggest edition of the year while the nearby Portland Bazaar presents a Design*Sponge-curated bevy of delights. MS
Crafty Wonderland, Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE MLK, Sat-Sun 11 am-6 pm; Portland Bazaar, Sandbox Studio, 420 NE 9th, Sat 9 am-5 pm, Sun 9 am-4 pm

AFRO-UPBEAT—Even if you've never heard the sharp afrobeat tunes of Antibalas, their home on Daptone Records gives them immediate and funky cachet. If you're sick of floating around like a stoned pixie at your usual electro/indie shows, Antibalas' upbeat tempo and great horn lines will refresh the shit out of you. RF
w/Stay Calm; Hawthorne Theatre, 1507 SE Cesar E. Chavez, 7:30 pm, $16-18, 21+

CHEER UP, LOSER—This weather is the worst, the holidays are the worst, and EVERYTHING IS THE WORST! So let's get cheered up by cheeriest people—cheer teams competing in the Portland Starz Championships! Watch the best cheer squads in the state go head to head in the most insanely POSITIVE event you'll see EVARRRRRR! WSH
Expo Center, 2060 N Marine, 10 am-6 pm, $12


TUFF ENUFF—The glittery, punky pop of King Tuff is better than any sugar rush, and lasts much longer. With rock-solid bass, speedy drums, and guitars dripping with amplifier fuzz, Tuff and his band make good, old-fashioned rock 'n' roll sound better—and feel better—than anyone else around. NL
w/White Fang, the Mean Jeans; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $10-12

UNDERWATER DOGS!—Dogs are the best, so you'd think there wouldn't be any way to make them cooler, right? WRONG! You put them underwater and take wacky pictures! Photographer Seth Casteel is presenting his new book Underwater Dogs, and it's full of pictures of dogs... underwater! Why are you not more excited about this? EH
Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 7:30 pm, FREE


SCREW LABELS—Tonight's bill is nothing but gold: Opener Busdriver is an LA-based rapper with a dizzying flow, and as for headliner Astronautalis—we could call him a "hiphop indie rocker," but who needs labels when his songs are this smart, weird, and catchy? (I mean, have you seen the video where he dresses up like a vampire and raps about the Revolutionary War? Amazing!) AH
w/Jel; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $12

PULPY—Crooked Portland cops, drug kingpins, shady deals—this is the pulpy stuff of the new based-on-true-events Dark Horse crime comic City of Roses. Phil Stanford, author of Portland Confidential, teamed up with local artist Patric Reynolds on the extremely graphic novel, presented tonight at a history talk with all the dirty details. SM 
Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan, 7 pm, FREE, all ages


DANCE, PUPPY, DANCE—Something about this time of year makes me want to see cats riding piggyback on dogs, pushing a stroller, or walking a tightrope. Doesn't this sound better than The Nutcracker? The Popovich Comedy Pet Theater brings its pack of circus-trained pets to town—all rescued from animal shelters—to sate your holiday cravings for whimsy. CF
Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, 7 pm, $25-35

CHILLIN' WITH TRILLIN—Calvin Trillin is legitimately famous for being witty—his archives are littered with brilliant food writing, poems, and essays for outlets like The New Yorker and The Nation. Trillin's in town with Dogfight, a hot-off-the press collection of poems about the 2012 presidential campaign. AH
Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 7:30 pm, FREE