WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12

BODIES—Lille Boutique's lingerie fashion show benefit for Planned Parenthood, Astral Bodies, has already sold out its pre-sale tickets. But they're releasing a limited number of tickets at the door and admission to the afterparty is free, with the Sex Life DJs, a ton of raffle prizes, and all the pretty people. MS
Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $10, afterparty at 9:30 pm, FREE

START CRYING WOLF(SON)—Clear Channel axed its liberal talk radio station KPOJ last month and, with it, the best radio host in the city: Carl Wolfson. Now when he's not standing in the unemployment line, Wolfson has time to pursue his other passion: stand-up comedy. He's sharp and hilarious—worth braving the unbearable ambience of Harvey's to catch. SM
Harvey's Comedy Club, 436 NW 6th, Wed, Thurs Sun, 7:30 pm, $15

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 13

HOLEY MOLEY—The super fun, super popular I've Got a Hole in My Soul dance night has become the city's most reliable way of getting a fix of DJ Beyondadoubt in the last six years. They're marking the anniversary of that nice round number with their debut at their brand-new Holocene digs with guest DJ Primo from San Francisco. MS
Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $5

BECK THE HALLS—The hometown honeys in the Portland Cello Project bring you the usual bombast of their annual holiday show—now with extra Beck! They'll be playing songs from his new sheet-music-only release Song Reader, so this might be your only chance to hear that new album out loud—unless you're really good at reading sheet music. CF
Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, Thurs & Fri 8 pm, $15-20

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14

HOLIDAY ACTION—One of the funnest companies in town, Action/Adventure Theatre (famous for Fall of the Band), presents their holiday spectacular, A Very Special Action/Adventure Holiday Thing! Expect hilarious comedy from Anthony Lopez and Merc writer/funny guy Alex Falcone, staged readings of scenes from sitcom Christmas specials, music from Cristina Cano, booze, Santa... and booze! WSH
Action/Adventure Theatre, 1050 SE Clinton, Fri & Sat 8 pm, $10-15 sliding scale

BIG-ASS FORMAL—Big-Ass Sandwiches is beloved in Portland for their revolutionary contributions to sandwich artistry: Namely, putting french fries inside a sandwich and adding cheese sauce. Tonight they're celebrating their third anniversary with a winter formal, featuring a Rat Pack tribute band, and comedian friends Ian Karmel, Sean Jordan, and Shane Torres. AH
w/Nicky Croon & the Swinging Richards; Dante's, 350 W Burnside, 9 pm, $10-12

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 15

PEACOCK WALK—Nobody does "festive" like Peacock Lane. Those mofos know how to Christmas decorate better than all the soccer moms in suburbia. Tonight marks the first night of Peacock Lane—with the first two nights being pedestrian-only, so no getting drunk and running over plastic Santas! You'll have to do that on foot. RF
Peacock Lane, between SE Stark & Belmont, walking only on Sat & Sun, 6-11 pm, through Dec 31, FREE

PRETTY LITTLE THINGS—Portland has a bajillion craft fairs (approx) during the holidays, but some of the city's prettiest and best-made must-haves will be at the ADX workshop's annual gift fair today. Vanport Outfitters backpacks? Check. Screenprints galore? Check. Ninkasi beer, a free glamour-shot photo booth, AND a cake walk? Sold! SM
ADX, 417 SE 11th, Sat & Sun 10 am-6 pm 

JOKES—Neal Brennan co-created and co-wrote Chappelle's Show. What, you need more bona fides than that?? Okay, picky: Brennan's an acerbic, take-no-prisoners comic who co-hosts the solid podcast The Champs with Moshe Kasher. He's smarter than you, and he knows it. AH
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $12

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16

PROMISED LAND—Directed by Portlander Gus Van Sant—and written by and starring Matt Damon and John Krasinski, along with Frances McDormand and Hal Holbrook—Promised Land looks to be pretty fantastic. It doesn't open here until December 28, but tonight, Van Sant presents an early screening as a fundraiser for the homeless youth agency Outside In. EH
Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne, 7:30 pm, $49-79

JINGLE BELL ROCK—Kink.fm's Jingle Bell Jam is the musical equivalent of a Christmas sweater: warm and snug and seasonally appropriate, and capped by a headlining set from beloved locals Blind Pilot, who haven't played a Portland show in a few moons. Don't miss opener JD McPherson, whose jumpin', jivin', wailin' rockabilly is anything but a throwback. NL
w/Allen Stone; Roseland, 8 NW 6th, 7 pm, $25-45, 21+

MONDAY, DECEMBER 17

SANTAAAAA!—You've tried the rest, now "ho, ho, ho" with the best! Portland's fave Santa is back at Pioneer Courthouse Square—and he's now using TECHNOLOGY to help you avoid long lines! Call, text, or reserve your appointment with Santa online, and he'll text you when it's your turn to hop on his lap. (No "naughty" texts, please.) WSH
Santa House on the Bricks, Pioneer Courthouse Square, SW 6th & Morrison, daily 9 am–9 pm, through Dec 24, FREE, portlandsanta.com

THERE AND BACK AGAIN—From the shadowed caves of the Misty Mountains to the mighty plains of the Rohirrim, every elf, dwarf, hobbit, and ent will be watching The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey! Here is your quest, brave adventurer! Voyage to a distant movie theater and prepare yourself for an adventure most thrilling and—eh, fuck it. You know the drill. EH
Every single theater at every conceivable time of day, see Movie Times for showtimes

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 18

SILENT BUT DEADLY—Don't go through the Christmas season without watching 1984's Silent Night, Deadly Night. It's a feel-good flick about an ax-wielding Santa who must kill every naughty-doer with his bag of homicidal tendencies. Ho-ho-hatchet! The Grindhouse Film Fest's annual tradition is 100 percent 35mm film and 100 percent gore-filled great! CF
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $7

CALMLY, NOW—The vaulted pop architecture that Stay Calm constructs is spacious, bright, and full of breathing room, but with a firm bedrock of sturdy rhythms and adventurous noise-excavating. The Portland three-piece's exciting sounds are built from the ground up, with sonic exploration being the foundation and pop sparkle in the details. NL
Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water, 9 pm, $3