(NOT THAT) PATTON—Sean Patton's played Portland enough times to have developed a following—maybe you caught his set at Bridgetown or at local showcase Funny Over Everything. But if you've never seen Patton, one of the sharpest young comics on the scene today: He's weird, he's funny, and he's doesn't mind being physically compared to an owl. AH
Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, Wed-Thurs 8 pm, Fri-Sat 7:30 & 10 pm, $10-25

FRIENDLY GHOSTS—Death Songs shows off '60s-leaning pop-rock chops by way of frontman Nick Delffs' elemental, spirit-possessed songwriting, resulting in tunes that are both feel-good and full of ghosts. The band isn't ever afraid to get their hands dirty, and their animated live shows are spectacular, tarnished things of beauty. NL
w/Barna Howard, DJ Erik Menteer; Valentine's, 232 SW Ankeny, 9 pm, FREE


QUISTMAS—For six years straight (queer?), Fannie Mae Darling's Queer Quistmas has brought you a rollicking, randy good time. The festive variety show doubles as a fundraiser for Fannie Mae's cancer-afflicted sister and a food and coat drive for Our House. So line your pockets with do-good money and come be entertained. CF
Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $5-7

SUICYNTH—Whether it's the weather, the holidays, money, or love, there's something about donning black and diving headfirst into the glamorous misery and macabre of goth that makes everything okay again. The Lovecraft is inarguably the best goth bar in the city, and tonight's Synthicide night—with DDDJJJ666 and Maxx Bass—will keep you choosing dancing over something worse. MS
w/Musique Plastique; The Lovecraft, 421 SE Grand, 9 pm, FREE


NUTZ FOR TOYS—Portland has a godfather, and his name is Cool Nutz. Like all godfathers, his parties are legend, but you must first bring him tributes, as he attempts to mount the Greatest Toy Drive Ever. Help children in need and soak up a classic show from the man synonymous with PDX hiphop. BR
w/Illmaculate, Beejan, & more; Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th, 9 pm, $10-15 ($5 w/toy donation)

AS WE KNOW IT—It's the end of the world! Or was that last week? No matter, all you need to know is that we're celebrating the demise of the universe at Dig a Pony with the sweet, hypnotic club sounds of the Miracles Club on the decks. 'Cuz if you gotta go out, you'd better go out dancing. MS
w/Bath House; Dig a Pony, 736 SE Grand, 9 pm, FREE


COSMIC COMICS—Attention last-minute gifthounds! Cosmic Monkey Comics is throwing a lifesaver of a holiday book signing. Local graphic novelists will be on hand to personalize copies of their work, including Greg Rucka's excellent PDX-noir Stumptown, Aron Nels Steinke's endearing autobio collection Big Plans, Jonathan Case's Shakespearean monster-mash-up Dear Creature, and more. AH
Cosmic Monkey Comics, 5335 NE Sandy, noon-2 pm, FREE

JUBITZMAS—There's no better place to sport your ugly Christmas sweater than a country-rock show at a truck stop bar. Concrete Cowboys will serenade you as you throw back your Evan Williams among reindeer-sweater-clad truckers. This is one of those nights where the irony both begins and ends at Jubitz. RF
Ponderosa Lounge at Jubitz Truck Stop, 10350 N Vancouver, 9 pm, $2-5 (FREE w/two cans of food)

AUGHT-ASTIC!—Think the "aught" years produced some of the best dance music ever? Then put on the clothes you were wearing 10 years ago and attend Lovestoned, an aughts dance party, featuring DJs Zack, Zac Eno, Sex Life DJs, and E*Rock spinning your fave party jams from 2000 to the end of the decade. Such as Justin Timberlake! Swoooon. WSH
Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $3 (FREE before 11 pm)


MAKE MERRY—It's Christmas Eve Eve, and you're staring down the barrel of spending two entire days with the fam. So get out and hear some bumpin' live music with people you actually care about—your friends. The propulsive but subdued electronic pop of Hustle and Drone is just the kind of thing you need to ease into the next 48 hours. NL
w/D.S.R.; Rontoms, 600 E Burnside, 9 pm, FREE

ZUZU'S PETALS—You... are a goddamned Scrooge. So get yourself to the Hollywood for Frank Capra's 1946 classic, It's a Wonderful Life. Jimmy Stewart plays a dude who thinks Xmas is balls-deep in bullshit—until a weird wingless hobo angel proves him wrong! And if that doesn't convince him, ice cream purveyors Salt & Straw will be there selling holiday flavors! See?? LIFE IS WORTH LIVING!! WSH
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 2 pm, $5-7, see Film Times for more showtimes


COOL CHRISTMAS—Santa likes 'em sweaty and drunk. So head on over to the awesome Spare Room to get lubed up on eggnog and dance your fool faces off to the groovin', well-heeled band Cool Breeze. You'll be so hyped up, you might hear reindeer clip-clops on your roof later tonight. CF
The Spare Room, 4830 NE 42nd, 9 pm, FREE

HE'S COMING!—Normally we scream "stranger danger!" when a fat man with a maniacal laugh comes barreling into our homes, but once a year we make an exception for jolly old St. Nick. Plate the cookies, pour the milk, open the flue, 'cuz that guy Santa's a giver and he's looking to stuff your stockings! CF
Your home, tonight, FREE


MOVIES!—Can't take a single second more of your family? Been there. Luckily, Xmas is one of the biggest days of the year for movies: New releases include Judd Apatow's This Is 40, Les Misérables (starring Wolverine and Catwoman), Tom Cruise's Jack Reacher, and—my personal favorite—Quentin Tarantino's blisteringly funny, tremendously bloody Django Unchained. EH
See Film for reviews and see Film Times for showtimes

MORE MOVIES!—Yeah. There aren't many events today. But that's fine, because Cinema 21's got you covered: Their A Very Wes Anderson Christmas fest brings three of the director's best to the big screen, all on 35mm: The super-popular Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums, and the criminally underseen Bottle Rocket! EH
Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st, see Film Times for showtimes, $6-12