SALT Not pictured: Pepa and DJ Spinderella.

ISN'T IT GREAT the Cold War is over, and we're finally friends with our former enemies, the Russians? WRONG! It's not great! Not great at all! Why? Rule #1: The Cold War is never over! Rule #2: You never, ever trust a Rooskie because the only good Rooskie is a dead Rooskie... or a Rooskie with coke. And rule #3: The only time you can ever trust a Rooskie is if she's very beautiful (say like Angelina Jolie), and pretending to be a Rooskie... right? WRONG! Didn't you read rule #2? Wow. You really need to learn how to tell the difference between good spies (hint: they're American) vs. bad spies (hint: they're Rooskies), which is exactly why you need to see Salt.

Jolie plays CIA agent Evelyn Salt whose loyalty to the agency and our country is unquestionable. That is until a single defector accuses her of being a Rooskie spy, at which point the entire CIA freaks the fuck out and starts chasing her all over the country—just like Jason Bourne in The Bourne Identity! (Except that was Matt Damon and this is Angelina Jolie.) But then after everybody eventually realizes she can't possibly be a Rooskie spy, she's like "AHA! I really am a Rooskie spy! BURN."

But wait! Even though she is a Rooskie spy, at least she's a nice Rooskie spy, and all she really wants is to protect our President from being killed by other (bad) Rooskie spies! So that means Salt needs to do a lot of RUNNING! And JUMPING! And ARM BREAKING! And one of those fancy run-up-the-wall-spin-around-and-kick-the-asshole-in-the-face moves. Then she needs to hug a puppy. And be sad about her dead husband. AND SHE NEEDS TO KILL, KILL, KILL EVIL ROOSKIES!

And finally? Everybody in the CIA just needs to step off her nuts for a minute, and realize that a little Salt is exactly what this crazy, mixed up spy game needs. And they also need to learn something about "trust," right? WRONG! Did you not read rule #2? Jesus, you people are hopeless.