Friends, it truly is a wondrous time in which we live—and the last few weeks are proof! The racist relic that is the Confederate flag has been torn down across the land, the Supreme Court has finally recognized same-sex marriage as a basic human right, and, at long last, Oregon has brought about a new age of enlightenment and freedom by legalizing cannabis.
But our fight is not yet over. Not while so many Americans still demonize the joy of so many people's lives: sweet, sweet heroin.
Now, before you automatically dismiss the idea of decriminalizing recreational heroin, open your mind for a moment. First of all, heroin has medicinal value. Just like cannabis, right? This is an indisputable FACT—and, unlike marijuana, heroin was created with medicinal value in mind!
Imagine your grandmother. Isn't she kind and lovely? Oh no! She's fallen down the stairs! "Grandma, grandma!" you cry. "Are you all right?" "No, I am not, grandson. I have broken my hip. I am in excruciating pain, and need some heroin to soothe me." "Oh, I am sorry, grandmother—but because of this nation's stringent, outdated anti-heroin laws, I cannot soothe you!" "That is terrible news, grandson. Perhaps the public will learn to correct the mistakes of the past—if not in my lifetime, perhaps in yours. And now? I die."
Congratulations, America. You just murdered your grandma.
It didn't have to end this way. But every day we do not pass thoughtful, forward-thinking heroin legislation will end exactly the same way—with the broken, twisted body of a sweet grandmother, sprawled at the bottom of a staircase in a spreading pool of blood.
That's why we cannot rest on our laurels, people! For the sake of all grandmothers, we must push the unthinking, regressive hatred of heroin into the past, along with its antiquated siblings racism, homophobia, and America's failed war on drugs.
So if you BELIEVE in the future—if you BELIEVE in progress—then rise up! Proclaim that belief from the mountaintops! LET US LEGALIZE RECREATIONAL HEROIN! For you! For the children! And most importantly, for Nana!
Also, if anyone has a hook-up for some fine China White, jesus fucking christ, please let me fucking know A-S-A-fucking-P.
[Full disclosure: Todd Thomas, the author of this editorial, is a big-time heroin addict, and his views do not necessarily reflect those of the Portland Mercury.]