Sorry to bother you, Mr. Racklin, but I've had a leaky shower head for the past six months. Now, the last thing I want to do is "nag," but I've sent you three reminders about this—and since you pay utilities, I figured you wouldn't be happy about the increased water bill. Can you please send someone out to fix it?—Arthur Thomas, Apartment 316
For someone who claims to not be a nag, it sure sounds like you're doing a lot of fucking nagging. Tell you what, Artie: Since you're SO concerned about wasting my water and money, I'm gonna fix the problem! From now on, YOU'RE paying all utilities. Retroactively. Problem solved. NEXT!
My mother has been diagnosed with advanced leukemia, and...—Donna Carey, Apartment 137
Oh no you don't, Donna! Let me stop you right there—NO, YOU MAY NOT PAY YOUR RENT "A FEW DAYS LATE!" Your rent is due on the FIRST OF THE MONTH, you freeloading deadbeat! That is the contract you SIGNED, and that is the contract you will OBEY—or else you'll be out on the fucking street. P.S. Say hi to your mom for me. NEXT!
I recently received your letter regarding your intention to increase the monthly rent for my studio apartment from $650 to $2,999. That seems a bit excessive to me. Is there any chance we can meet to talk about this?—Marilyn Johnson, Apartment 242
We can absolutely meet to talk about this. I understand that rent increases can be confusing and frustrating, but I welcome the opportunity to have an open, frank discussion about the financial pressures that, unfortunately, require me to raise your rent. So what do you say we meet next Tuesday at 5 pm at the homeless encampment under the Burnside Bridge? Oh, and be sure to bring all your things, because you're fucking EVICTED. (Also, bring me a check for $95 if you still want an eight-minute conversation. After all, time is money.) NEXT!
Do YOU have a question for Portland landlord Jerry Racklin? Send it to Ask a Portland Landlord!, c/o the Portland Mercury, 115 SW Ash, Suite 600, Portland, OR, 97204. Attach a check for $250. NEXT!