Old People Porn 

Red 2: Where Knees Don't Ache

RED 2 Wow. Old people dress terribly.

RED 2 Wow. Old people dress terribly.

ATTENTION YOUNG PEOPLE of the world: People are always telling you to "enjoy your youth," because one day you'll be old, your knees will hurt, hair will grow in your ears, you'll no longer be sexually attractive, and rashes will develop on the inside of your butt cheeks that itch and itch all day long. However, forget anyone said anything, because being old is actually... AWESOME! You'll still be fun, interesting, filled with boundless energy, and best of all? You'll be able to walk away from explosive helicopter crashes. And apparently, your butt won't even itch!

That's the message gleaned from Red 2—the sequel to 2010's moderately successful Red, in which retired secret agents from around the globe are brought out of retirement to avert global catastrophe. This time around ex-CIA agent Frank (Bruce Willis) is settling into retirement with his action-seeking gal Sarah (Mary-Louise Parker) when he's framed for something the movie doesn't do a good job of explaining, and so off the pair goes with crazy pal Marvin (John Malkovich) to find a nuclear device that's supposedly worse than other devices... again the movie doesn't really explain why—BUT THAT'S HARDLY THE POINT.

The point is they hop from country to country being shot at, flipping cars, killing people, crashing helicopters, and basically being old and ADORABLE. Willis is exactly who you expect him to be, Mary-Louise Parker is your annoying drunk aunt who grabs your boyfriend's ass beneath the Thanksgiving table, and John Malkovich puts on funny hats, contorts his face like a stroke victim, and mourns the days he was one of America's great actors. Red 2 is fantasy porn for the AARP, who long for a future where knees don't ache and butts don't itch, and movies that don't reduce them to cartoon characters. Good luck with that.

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Red 2
Rated PG-13 · 116 minutes · 2013
Official Site: red-themovie.com/#
Director: Dean Parisot
Producer: Lorenzo di Bonaventura, Mark Vahradian, Jake Myers and David Ready
Cast: Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Mary-Louise Parker, Anthony Hopkins, Helen Mirren, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Byung-hun Lee, David Thewlis, Brian Cox, Neal McDonough, Steven Berkoff, Tim Piggott Smith, Garrick Hagon, Jong Lee, Philip Arditti, Mitchell Mullen and Martin Sims

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