MONDAY, MARCH 16 Greetings from Tinselturd, dears! We'd love to make small talk, but frankly, we don't have time—this gossip-filled week is bursting at the seams worse than Mo'Nique in a Gucci string bikini! First and foremost, perennial One Day targets Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have taken a one-way trip... to Splitsville! "It's humiliating. To say her feelings are hurt is an understatement," a source blabbed to The Sun. The source also claimed that the horse-faced Aniston felt "angry and used" in the relationship. (Confidential to "J.M.": Quick, to the feed store! If you purchase their finest feedbag and their most delicately wrought horseshoes, you might still have a chance!)
TUESDAY, MARCH 17 Quelle surprise—"J.M." didn't take our advice! Today John Mayer's Twitter feed read, "This heart didn't come with instructions." Urk... urk... ugh... phew! Excuse us, dears. For a moment there, we almost threw up in our mouth—just as we did last week, when we read how comedian Jamie Kennedy went on Ryan Seacrest's radio show to discuss his relationship with ghost whisperer Jennifer Love Hewitt. "We're more than dating... we're more than in love.... We have an intense connection," Kennedy swooned, before going all-out with a Twilight reference: "She's my Bella. I don't want to bite her neck, but I want her to live." Uh oh. Here it comes again—urk... urk.... Okay, all better. Now: Celebrity men? Please stop talking like 12-year-old girls. Thanks.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 18 As everyone knows, we're totes in love with President Barack Obama. But we have to say it: Sometimes we wish we'd voted for a samurai warlord instead. At the very least, Barack should consider a proposal from Iowa Senator Charles Grassley, who weighed in on how AIG execs should be punished for their shameful acceptance of extravagant (and taxpayer-supplied) bonuses. "I suggest, you know, obviously, maybe they ought to be removed," Grassley said in an interview. "But I would suggest the first thing that would make me feel a little bit better toward them [is] if they'd follow the Japanese example and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say, 'I'm sorry,' and then either do one of two things: resign or go commit suicide." We should make it perfectly clear, dears, that we aren't condoning Senator Grassley's plan—but we would like to just put it out there that if such a public display of seppuku were to happen, it would probably be pretty therapeutic, right? MEANWHILE... Times are tough, but don't think AIG execs are the only ones who have it bad—Lindsay Lohan and her girlfriend Samantha Ronson are also struggling! "Lindsay is spending like crazy! She's living on credit right now!" a source spilled to the New York Daily News. "The problem is, the money being spent is mostly Sam's, because Lindsay doesn't really have any of her own at the moment... Sam really thinks Lindsay needs to learn how to become a recessionista and manage her money better." Okay, first? "Recessionista" is officially the most depressing term ever. Second? The News goes on to report that Linds is still able to purchase things like a $30,000 Rolex and a $100,000 Maserati. You see, people? The recession is affecting all of us. In times like these, it's more important than ever for us to support each other. And also for LiLo to start swinging by the house of yours truly to give us a lift to the manicurist. If we run over an AIG exec or two along the way, it'll be downright patriotic.
THURSDAY, MARCH 19 Watch out, rock stars: Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus is miffed at Radiohead! Us reports that when Miley tried to use her celeb clout to hang out backstage at the Grammys with the band, Radiohead laughed her off. "Stinkin' Radiohead!" the 16-year-old Miley later snapped during a radio interview. "I'm gonna ruin them. I'm gonna tell everyone," Miley continued, talking about how another band, Coldplay, was more than happy to meet her: "Coldplay was so nice!" Cyrus gushed. "Chris Martin hung out with me the whole time!" Radiohead's spokesperson responded to Cyrus' adorable threat in probably the best way possible: "When Miley grows up, she'll learn not to have a sense of entitlement." Oh, snap, Radiohead's spokesperson! (Also, where is Radiohead from again? Certainly not America. Child stars getting less entitled as they age? What kind of craziness is that?)
FRIDAY, MARCH 20 Remember when adorable Portlander Leanne Marshall won Project Runway? Then you'll also remember bratty Kenley Collins, the wannabe winner who went out of her way to cause problems with her co-stars and squabble with Runway's queen bee, Heidi Klum! Well, as eventually happens with all failed reality show contestants, Kenley has been arrested. According to TMZ.com, Kenley "attacked her sleeping ex-fiancé with anything she could get her hands on—including a cat, a laptop, several apples, and finally... water," and was "arrested and charged with six crimes—including second-degree assault, third-degree assault, and criminal possession of a weapon in the fourth degree." (Wait a minute! Cats are a "weapon in the fourth degree"? Come on. If—hypothetically—we might have, just one time, thrown our sweetums Professor Cuddleston at Hubby Kip after he put our new Missoni sweater in the dryer? We're pretty sure that crime could only be classified as "adorable to the 10th degree.")
SATURDAY, MARCH 21 Sorry to break it to you, ladies, but former child star Danny Bonaduce is engaged! "He proposed a whole bunch of times over the last couple of years, but you know, it's never quite official until you have a ring on your finger," said 26-year-old, apparently blasé Amy Railsback, whom Us describes as "a former teacher who now works as Bonaduce's manager." (Forgive us, readers, but we initially misread that as "a former teacher who now works as a Bonaduce's manager"—which gave us a nightmare-inducing image of a chain of Bonaduce-owned, Partridge Family-themed restaurants, possibly Fuddruckers or T.G.I. Friday's-like in appearance and cuisine. Shudder. We're gonna need a few extra Ambien tonight!) "Bonaduce, 49, popped the question on March 12 with a sterling silver skull and crossbones ring," Us continues, with Railsback noting that, naturally, the skull ring has "rubies in the eyeball[s]." MEANWHILE... Perhaps the Bonaduces (Bonaduci?) can turn to Ashton Kutcher for marital advice! According to E!, Kutcher has been Twittering all sorts of knowledge about how to attain marital bliss—and using his marriage with 167-year-old blushing bride Demi Moore for examples. Class is in session! "Greatest lesson in my marriage. Don't try to solve her problems, just listen, love, and be supportive. This is the opposite of male nature." Lesson two! "2nd greatest lesson. When she says time for bed... hop to, good things await." We should probably note that Ashton, classy as he is, followed that last post with a picture of Demi wearing a bikini and bending over. Kutcher wrote of the image, "Shhh. Don't tell wifey." Hmm, that's odd... there's that strange sensation again... oh, right. Urk. Urk. Just a bit of bile, everyone. No need to be concerned—it's gone back down now. (Thanks for that, Ashton.)
SUNDAY, MARCH 22 Brace yourself, America: Matt Lauer has had a bicycle accident involving a deer, causing him to miss at least one Today show appearance. According to People, Meredith Vieira, Lauer's Today co-host, broke the news to a shocked nation, saying only that Lauer was riding his bicycle and "encountered a deer while he was on the road." According to a wisecracking Vieira, Lauer "thinks the deer was hired by the competition!" "You're goddamn straight it was 'hired by the competition!'" the usually jovial Al Roker screamed as he was led away in handcuffs and leg irons. "You've escaped me this time, Lauer, but I'll get you if it takes 1,000 fawns!" Once in prison, a sneering Kenley Collins chastised Roker. "Like, everyone knows you use something with claws," Collins lectured the weatherman. "Either that, or you just make that chick from Friends feel all 'angry and used.' Or call her 'Rachel.' She'll go crazy with the snorting and the trampling!"