KIM KARDASHIAN "Babies... can't eat 'em... might as well exploit 'em!"
KIM KARDASHIAN Sorry, North West, no breast feeding for you... mommy's got a spin class!

MONDAY, JULY 15

Let's start by checking in on the "First Family of Monstrosities": the Kardashians! As we know, Kim and Kanye West's new baby North West is going to be the worst thing that's ever happened on this planet ever. Why? Because now the Kardashians have something new to exploit. Example: Instead of focusing on maintaining the healthy weight needed to successfully provide nutrition while breastfeeding her baby, Kim is freaking out about losing weight and getting back her pre-baby bod. "She wants to show up like Heidi Klum and have everyone marvel at how fast she's lost the weight," says an anonymous source to Us magazine. "She won't leave the house until she's thinner." UGH!! Naturally, she plans on debuting her new skeleton-frame body on her idiot mom's new idiot talk show which BY THE WAY, is also exploiting the shit out of baby North West. This morning on the Kris Jenner Show's Facebook page, mama Kris posted a pic of herself holding a swaddled infant along with the coy message, "You never know who will stop by our show today! #WatchKris"—implying that her show would be baby North West's first public appearance. TMZ quickly discovered that the baby in the photo wasn't North West at all—but the child of a hair and makeup person on the set. (LIAR!!!) And of course, North West didn't even appear on the show's debut episode (again, LIAR!!!)—which, according to every living person on the planet who watched it, was absolutely TERRIBLE. (It's officially time for the world to put the number for Child Protective Services on speed dial.)

TUESDAY, JULY 16

Rehab's not the best place to make money—and yet? Lindsay Lohan is raking it in! According to TMZ, the Oprah Winfrey Network has been negotiating with Linds to produce an eight-part docu-series on her life, struggles, and future... and they're willing to pay her a whopping $2 million for her trouble. (WOW! That's a million more than Playboy paid for pics of her nipples!) Lindsay will also reportedly receive two personal assistants AND a stylist out of the deal, and... waitasecond. We've been slaving away at this stupid column for 13 years, and the closest thing we ever got to a personal stylist was the homeless person who offered to chew our nails for free. HEY OPRAH! We steal jewelry and snort coke, too! See? (Snort! Snort!) Where's our two mill?? MEANWHILE... You know it's Tuesday when Justin Bieber spits in some random person's face. Last week he was caught pissing in a restaurant mop bucket and screaming, "Fuck YOU, Bill Clinton." This week he's being accused of spitting in the face of a club DJ, who Biebs suspected was taking pictures of the pop star. Despite the absence of any pictures on the victim's phone, Bieber allegedly screamed at the DJ, "Your mother is a bitch, your father is a bitch, and you are a bitch," followed by a big spit in the face. According to the victim's lawyer, Bieber's saliva and mucus entered into the DJ's eye, nose, and mouth. On the upside, Justin's legion of tween fans have offered to buy the DJ's face for $10 million.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 17

It seems like every day the internet gets really upset about something, and today that something is Rolling Stone magazine's decision to put Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on their cover. "Way to make a celebrity out of this piece of shit," wrote only one of many furious readers. "You guys should be ashamed. You just told every terrorist in the world, go ahead, do your thing and we'll make a celebrity out of you." Businesses reacted as well, with drugstores CVS, Rite Aid, and Walgreens refusing to carry the issue out of respect for the bombing victims. Our Hubby Kip was incensed as well, throwing the magazine down on our bathroom floor in disgust, yelling, "Kris Jenner told me baby North West was going to be on the cover this month! Why does she keep lying to meeeeeeeee??"

THURSDAY, JULY 18

Abusive penis-hole Chris Brown appeared in court today in response to the Los Angeles district attorney's attempt to revoke his probation following hit-and-run charges leveled against him in May. In response the judge said, "Yeah. Chris Brown really is a big penis hole. I hereby revoke his probation." (The previous quote was enhanced for your enjoyment.) Though the judge released Chris temporarily, he set a probation violation hearing in August, and if found guilty, the penis hole could face four years in prison, where "he will undoubtedly be beaten twice as badly as he ever beat Rihanna." (The previous quote was enhanced for your enjoyment.)

FRIDAY, JULY 19

Could it be that Hollyweird has a new enfant terrible? (Fingers crossed, fingers crossed....) Well, that's what TMZ is claiming, noting that friends of young Emma Roberts—niece of Julia, daughter of Eric—are worried she's "the next Lindsay Lohan." (Gasp!) Earlier this month, Roberts (what should we call her? "Emma"? "Emmers"? "EmRo"?) was arrested in a Montreal hotel room after getting into a fight with boyfriend Evan Peters, who appears on the increasingly stupid show American Horror Story. But this turned out to be a Canadian horror story (eh? Eh?) when, during a fight, Emma allegedly punched Peters in the face, giving him a bloody nose, and also bit him. Awww! Just like that scene in Pretty Woman! ANYHOOS... Those same "friends" tell TMZ the incident was only the latest in a string of bad decisions by Emmers, who has "dug herself deep into the LA party scene," and surrounded "herself with people who don't keep their noses clean." (Even after they've been punched in them.) While it might be just a teensy bit too early to crown young EmRo heir to the Lohan Legacy™, rest assured, dears, we shall be watching her career with great interest.

SATURDAY, JULY 20

Hey, it's been a while since we talked about how terrible Kanye West is! Let's take a look at his Twatter! "I open the debate... The 2nd verse of New Slaves is the best rap verse of all time....meaning ... OF ALL TIME IN THE HISTORY OF RAP MUSIC, PERIOD." Okay, Kanye. While "New Slaves" is certainly one of the less awful songs on the fairly awful Yeezus, proclaiming any part of it the best... oh, why do we even bother? Sure, Kanye. Sure it is. MEANWHILE... Kanye's boasting has been interrupted! West is now a "suspect" in "attempted robbery" at LAX after Kanye rushed at a paparazzo and tried to take away his camera. The pap—who will only be referred to as "Dano"—quickly appeared to feign a limp while hustling away from the scene, and is purportedly pressing charges, which isn't a big shock when you realize he's the same pap who goaded Britney Spears into attacking him with an umbrella in 2007. (Which Dano then put on eBay.) Dammit, Dano. We would have been so happy if we could have died without taking Kanye's side on anything in our entire life. Now look at what you've done.

SUNDAY, JULY 21

Today was the final day of San Diego Comic-Con International, the galaxy's most humiliating convention of dweebs, geeks, dorks, nerds, spazzes, losers, freakazoids, weirdos, shut-ins, anime perverts, and comic book collectors—but this year, at least one thing happened that wasn't hideously embarrassing for humanity! During a panel for the upcoming film X-Men: Days of Future Past, the brilliant and charming Ian McKellen and the infamously well-endowed Michael Fassbender took the stage. "I feel safe here now that [California's] gotten rid of Proposition 8." McKellen told the audience. "And I'm looking for a husband!" Then, according to Vulture, he "cast a sidelong glance at Fassbender." "It's great to meet you, Michael," the 74-year-old McKellen "purred" to his co-star. And that is the best thing that happened at Comic-Con, and the best thing that happened this week, and the best thing that happened ever.