MONDAY, AUGUST 12
We have good news and bad news to start off the week, and we'll let you guess which is which: Abusive a-hole Chris Brown suffered a seizure this past weekend... and apparently it's YOUR FAULT. According to TMZ, Brown experienced the non-epileptic seizure at a Los Angeles recording studio, but declined hospitalization or treatment from the paramedics. When asked about the incident, Brown's publicist had this to say: "[The seizure was attributed] to intense fatigue and extreme emotional stress, both due to the continued onslaught of unfounded legal matters and the nonstop negativity." See? We told you it was YOUR FAULT. If Chris Brown wasn't being forced BY YOU to get in trouble with the law, and then, if you weren't so despicably negative about someone who almost beat his former girlfriend to death, then maybe he wouldn't have flopped around on the floor for a couple of minutes. In other words, HOW COULD YOU? MEANWHILE... The racial discrimination suit against diabetes-provoking chef Paula Deen has been tossed out of court. This is the case that started the anti-Deen brouhaha, in which Lisa Jackson—a former employee at one of Deen's restaurants—accused the celeb and her unfortunately named brother Bubba of sexual harassment and racist attitudes. While the sexual harassment section of the suit still stands, the judge tossed the racial aspect of the case because Jackson is white—and therefore cannot sue Deen on behalf of someone else. Naturally Deen feels the partial ruling vindicates her, even though she's still the same person who admitted to using the n-word, and stands accused of asking an employee to dress up in an Aunt Jemima outfit. JUSTICE... IS... SERVED.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 13
Today in fucking Justin Bieber: London's the Sun is reporting the questionable testimony of a wannabe model who claims to have spent a steamy, fast-food-eating night with fucking Justin Bieber. And while it may be entirely falsified—like, when has that ever stopped you from reading this column? Aspiring model and nursing student Milyn Jensen told the Sun that after leaving an unnamed club together, Bieber took her to a McDonald's drive-thru. (So romantic!!) "Justin got me a large fries," Jensen said, adding, "he ordered two double-cheeseburgers for himself." (Wow, that is really NOT INTERESTING. Can you please get to the gross stuff?) Jensen then claims Bieber took her to his 9,000-square-foot mansion, where she was mystified by a "TV that emerged from the ceiling like magic" and his "hookah room," which reminded her of an "opium den"—because 22-year-old nursing students spend so much time in opium dens. GET TO THE GOOD STUFF. Bieber then allegedly took her to a suite in the Four Seasons, where "there were white roses everywhere." (Ugh. That reminds us of a prom night... that we never had. Insert frowny face here.) After two sips of her drink, Justin had her disrobed and in the bedroom for a night of disgusting amour. "Justin knew what he was doing," Jensen sighed. "Like a man much older than his years." Okay, that's just GROSS, stop it. Since when did the Sun start publishing fan fiction? BLECHH!!
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 14
Okay, here's the creepiest story you'll hear... like, ever. Gorgeous actress Famke Janssen (X-Men, The Wolverine) claims she came home today after running errands to discover someone had broken into her Greenwich Village apartment—but instead of stealing anything, the interloper left something behind: a copy of the children's book The Lonely Doll on her nightstand. To make things even creepier? The police found no signs of forced entry. Brrrrrr!! This has got to be the work of some kind of crazed fanboy, and... wait a second. HUBBY KIP! Where have you been all day?!?
THURSDAY, AUGUST 15
Amanda Bynes update! According to TMZ, doctors for the troubled AmBy want to keep her under psychological observation for another 30 days—not because she's doing worse, but because she's actually doing better! Sources say physicians have noticed Amanda crying and showing emotion—something many schizophrenics apparently have trouble accomplishing. This is a breakthrough of sorts, and Amanda's doctors want to continue what they feel is a successful treatment. Of course the only true test is to let Amanda post to her Twatter account; if she can make it two months without asking Drake to "murder her vagina"—we'll call that "cured."
FRIDAY, AUGUST 16
It's been forever (literally) since we've featured an uplifting and inspirational story, so prepare yourselves, dears, for a story that will make you feel great about life! Earlier this week, Kanye West and his dumb brother-in-law, Rob Kardashian, were at Dodger Stadium watching the team play the New York Mets. Naturally, West was featured on the stadium's Jumbotron, which is where this story gets beautiful. Take it away, ESPN's Arash Markazi! "Kanye West was just shown on the jumbotron at Dodger Stadium and booed," Markazi posted on his Twatter account. (Dodger Stadium holds 56,000 people, BTW.) Less than an hour later, Markazi ground further salt into Kanye's wound by noting that someone else had been featured on the Jumbotron! "Robin Thicke is at the Dodgers game too," Markazi wrote, "and gets a loud ovation." Hahahahaaaa! Robin Thicke! The doofus behind that super-gross "Blurred Lines" video, and the man who got a better crowd reaction than Kanye West! Ha! HAAA! TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION... Yes, we're calling this a heartening indicator of Kanye West's declining popularity rather than a troubling omen of Robin Thicke's rising popularity. Because hell, let's be optimistic! Just this once!
SATURDAY, AUGUST 17
Well, that didn't last long. Everything's awful again today, thanks to (wait for it...) a feud between Kim Kardashian and Katie Couric! It began with an In Touch interview with Katie, in which the former newscaster correctly asked about the Kardashians, "I don't understand—why are they so famous?" Shockingly, Kim didn't appreciate Couric's candor, and showed it via Instagram... because that's how grownups solve problems. Posting a picture of some baby clothing that Couric sent to celebrate the birth of North West—along with a note that Couric included, which ended with "may I humbly suggest you continue the K tradition" when it came to picking a baby name—Kim hashtagged the image "#IHateFakeMediaFriends" and "#MayIHumblySuggestYouNotSendGiftsThenTalkShit." Well... hmm. Okay, that actually seems pretty fair. UPDATE! "I've met Kim before and I think she's a really sweet person," Couric frantically backpedaled to E! "I was responding to a reporter's question [oh, sure—blame the reporter!—Ann], and explaining how I'm intrigued by the public's fascination with her family [and by "intrigued," she means "befuddled."—Ann]. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings [probably because, like the rest of us, she assumed Kim was illiterate, and thus couldn't read the interview.—Ann]." IN RELATED NEWS... The only way to solve this feud is by Kim and Katie handcuffing their left wrists together, while holding a broken beer bottle in their right. LAST WOMAN STANDING.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 18
Continuing to shock everyone by getting her life together, Lindsay Lohan sat down for a serious post-rehab interview with Oprah. "I've been blessed and lucky enough to have been given a gift to share with other people," LiLo confessed, "and I think for so long I've kept that so locked down and chained down, just by creating this whirlwind of garbage around myself." IN OTHER "WHIRLWIND OF GARBAGE" NEWS... Lacking interesting Lindsay Lohan news, Radar Online has posted one hell of a blind item: a "world-famous actress" who has "won major international awards for her onscreen work" had a "secret video recording of her suffering a terrifying drug and booze overdose presented in court as part of her bitter child custody case." Who could this be? (Our money's on Meryl Streep... or maybe Dame Judi Dench? Please let it be Dame Judi Dench!)