MONDAY, AUGUST 19
As you know, any day that starts with personal hardship for Chris Brown is a good day indeed. And it's an even better day when an entire country turns against him! CBC News reports that the abusive d-bag singer has been dropped as the headliner for the Energy Rush festival (that plays in four Canadian cities) after a loud public outcry and threatened boycott. Sponsors such as Rogers, Molson Coors Brewing, and Halifax's Centre for Arts and Technology pulled their monetary support after Brown was revealed to be the opening act, forcing the producers of the festival to issue the following announcement: "In light of the performer's recent personal and health-related issues, a decision has been made to cancel all four scheduled performances." (The "health-related" issue they're referring to is Brown's recent seizure—which his publicist claimed was brought on by incessant shit-talking from people like ourselves, you, and now, the entirety of Canada. Yay! Let's be more like them, America!) MEANWHILE... Life & Style magazine is accusing Kim Kardashian of injecting fat into her butt. For years Kim has denied using any plastic surgery enhancements other than "trying Botox"—even going as far as providing X-rays that supposedly prove her ample bottom is completely natural. However, according to a source speaking to Life & Style, "Kim had lipo on her legs, and the doctor moved the fat into her butt. That's why it didn't show up on the X-ray!" Dunh-dunh-DUNNNNHHHH! (Ummm, where were you on that story, WikiLeaks?)
TUESDAY, AUGUST 20
Speaking of people having fat in places they shouldn't, the decidedly fat-headed Dr. Phil topped himself today in the category of loathsomeness when he twattered the following: "If a girl is drunk, is it OK to have sex with her? Reply yes or no to @DrPhil." WOW. So apparently they'll let anyone have psychology degrees these days. Besides the thousands of people reminding Dr. Phil that "rape is rape" no matter what the woman's physical condition may be, respondents also had some other choice words, such as "If a TV shrink makes my daughter feel guilty b/c she was date raped while drunk, can I punch him in the dick?" Or this responder who asked Dr. Phil, "Are you 'asking for a friend'?" And this person who very succinctly responded, "As a girl, I enjoy waking up and not knowing who penetrated me the night before." Dr. Phil quickly deleted the offending twatter—but unfortunately neglected to delete himself. MEANWHILE... Russia's disgusting anti-gay propaganda laws got a swift kick in the scrabble bag this past weekend when two Russian female athletes who won gold at Moscow's World Athletic Championship celebrated by smooching each other square on the mouth—in front of god, Stalin, and everybody. Probably to avoid spending the rest of their athletic careers in a Siberian gulag, the women quickly denied the kiss was in any way sexual, and that they were just "celebrating" their win. (Note to Russian government: Thank you for making a normal celebration and homosexuality seem hotter than ever.)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 21
Last week we reported the creeeeepy story of X-Men actress Famke Janssen's apartment being broken into—but instead of stealing anything, the interloper left the children's book The Lonely Doll on her nightstand. BRRRRRRRRR! This week things got almost as creeeeepy for Jennifer Lopez when an accused stalker camped out in her mansion's pool house for six days—right under the nose of the star's security team! (Somebody's gonna get fiiiired!) Forty-nine-year-old John Dubis settled into the pool house in early August while JLo was away, sleeping on her couch, cleaning up sections of her property, and posting pictures of his stay on the internet. And right on cue, here comes the worst part: After being eventually caught and taken in for psychiatric evaluation, he admitted to masturbating in the star's yard because he thought JLo wanted him to "spread his seed throughout the world." Okay security team: Not only can you forget getting a final paycheck, but before you leave, JLo wants every drop of sperm picked up out of her yard!
THURSDAY, AUGUST 22
In an unfortunate (but totally typical) turn of political events, Private Bradley Manning—who provided more than 700,000 government files to WikiLeaks, including video of an American military helicopter attack in Baghdad that killed civilians and journalists—has been sentenced to 35 years in prison. Besides requesting a pardon from President Obama—saying "if you deny my request... I will serve my time knowing that sometimes you have to pay a heavy price to live in a free society"—Manning also came out as transgender, asking to now be referred to as Chelsea Manning and be supported in her transition. Unsurprisingly, the US Army refused to support her [their words] "gender identity disorder." Chelsea, just so you know: We think you're the bravest fucking woman on earth, with twice the balls of every other delusional so-called Army "patriot." Here's hoping you get a pardon, as well as the life and heroic recognition you deserve.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 23
Today George Zimmerman, the wannabe cop who killed unarmed high-schooler Trayvon Martin and got away with it, decided to go on a field trip. Where to? Why, to Kel-Tec, of course—the manufacturer of the 9mm pistol that Zimmerman used to shoot a 17-year-old in the heart simply because he didn't like the look of him! In addition to posing for pictures with employees (hang 'em above the fireplace, fellas!), Zimmerman reportedly inquired about purchasing a 12-gauge shotgun. U-S-A! U-S-A! IN OTHER TERRIBLE NEWS... Now that the Syrian civil war has entered its third year—and resulted in the deaths of more than 100,000 people—the conflict might finally be getting some meaningful attention. After a poorly covered-up nerve gas attack on Syrian citizens (by some estimates, the sarin gas killed 1,000 people, including children), British Foreign Secretary William Hague said he hopes the attack "will wake up some who have supported the Assad regime, to realize its murderous and barbaric nature," while US Secretary of State John Kerry called the regime's "indiscriminate slaughter of civilians" a "moral obscenity." Fingers crossed that this particular obscenity will inspire the rest of the world to actually, you know, do something. Maybe. At some point. If it's, you know, convenient.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 24
Celeb Scientology cultists partied down tonight—it was the 44th Anniversary Gala at the Celebrity Centre in Los Angeles! In attendance were all sorts of gullible dimwits, from Laura Prepon (whom you might remember from Orange Is the New Black) to John Travolta (whom you might remember from 1977). In addition to entertainment an—STOP THE PRESSES! "Wait... what?" Scientology spokesalien Emperor Klaktu said when told about the gala. "But that's... no. There's no way they'd have a party without me, is there? Is... there?" After repeatedly texting Tom Cruise but not getting a single response ("his phone must be off"), Emperor Klaktu ordered another carton of Space Rocky Road from his food replicator ("No need for a bowl," he murmured to the machine, "just a spoon") and dejectedly settled back into his plasma couch to finish up the last few episodes of Orange Is the New Black. "Didn't really feel like going out tonight anyway," Klaktu lied. He then claimed that Orange Is the New Black is "pretty good—way better than some dumb party, for sure."
SUNDAY, AUGUST 25
Tonight Miley Cyrus showed up on MTV's Video Music Awards to perform "Blurred Lines" with Robin Thicke—and gave one of the worst performances in the History of All Performances! Said performance included, but was not limited to: sticking out her tongue, ripping off her leotard to reveal nude underwear, unrepentant twerking, grinding all up on a confused Thicke, and pretending to pleasure herself using one of those giant foam finger things. There were also backup dancers dressed as teddy bears. Now... to the analysis! "I was not expecting her to be putting her butt so close to my son," Thicke's mother, Gloria Loring, told Yahoo! "The problem is now I can never unsee it." You and us both, Gloria. You and us both.