MONDAY, JANUARY 5 You know, gossip columnists are often accused of only reporting on the behavior of celebrities, rather than trying to find out who these celebs really are. You know—on the inside. Unfortunately we've tried going that route, and on nearly every occasion have been WILDLY disappointed. But hey... let's give Lindsay Lohan another shot. In a chitty-chat with actress Lauren Hutton in Interview magazine, LiLo explains her "image problem"—which as it turns out is actually YOUR problem... not hers. "I just feel as though it's become a situation where people have manufactured this caricature of who I am, and they act as if there's no real person inside of it," LiLo's hollow, soulless body exclaimed. "What hurts me most is that I work just as hard as any other actress around my age, like Scarlett Johansson, but I just don't get the opportunities that they get because people are so distracted by the mess I created in my life." Wait... what? We're sorry, Lindsay. We got distracted by the memory of that time last year when you wrote "Scarlett Johansson is a cunt" on a bathroom wall. You were saying? MEANWHILE... Socialite/former porn star Paris Hilton is now claiming to Glamour magazine that she's only slept with "a couple of people." A couple? As in TWO? Let's do the math on that: She was previously engaged to fashion model Jason Shaw, before breaking it off to be with Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, after which she dated creepy shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, and then skanky Good Charlotte guitarist Benji Madden. And... who are we forgetting? OH RIGHT. There was Rick Salomon, with whom she made the homemade sex video that was later widely distributed as 1 Night in Paris. So as you can clearly see, Paris was wrong. She's only had sex with one person.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 6 According to WENN news, a woman is suing the LAPD after allegedly being tricked into becoming a decoy for Jamie Lynn Spears. Last September, normal person Adessa Eskeridge was on the same flight with Spears, who was all over the tabs after giving birth to her daughter Maddie. In an attempt to fool the paparazzi, the police approached Eskeridge as she disembarked, and said, "You're going to help us with something." They then escorted Eskeridge to baggage claim, using her as a decoy for Spears at which point she was "mobbed by the paparazzi" and "feared for her well being." Later she was further blessed by having her video posted all over the internet, so now Eskeridge is suing the police department for $2 million. Jamie Lynn has also offered to throw in her child as an added bonus to the settlement. (She's planning on going to the mall with friends this weekend.)
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 7 Remember when Senate Democrats swore on a stack of Bibles they would never, EVER—not in a hundred billion years—seat Roland Burris, shamed Governor Ron Blagojevich's pick for Obama's Senate seat? Well, welcome to the year one hundred billion and one, because now Senate Democrats are suddenly deeply, madly, wildly in love with Burris, and simply can't wait to get him seated. What happened? According to an anonymous senior congressional aide, the Obama team strongly advised the Dems to accept Burris into the fold. Their logic? "A bird in the hand (Senator Burris, who will happily vote for anything Obama puts on the table) is worth two in the bush (possibly getting stuck with a turncoat Democrat—think Joe Lieberman—or worse, a nutbag Republican)." Pretty sneaky, Obama! As John McCain might say, "Keep your eye on that one."
THURSDAY, JANUARY 8 In this month's issue of W magazine, the newly mustachioed Brad Pitt speaks out on his "dastardly" affair with plump-lipped harpy Angelina Jolie that irreversibly broke the heart of former wifey, horse-faced Jennifer Aniston. Brad? "What most people don't understand is that we filmed [Mr. & Mrs. Smith—the movie where he was boinking Jolie] for a year. We were still filming after Jen and I split up. Even then it doesn't mean there was some kind of dastardly affair. There wasn't. I'm very proud of the way it was handled." WOW. And we thought George Bush was full of shit. MEANWHILE... Horribly named celebrity children, such as Bronx Mowgli Wentz and Pilot Inspektor Lee, breathed a sigh of relief today when former Cosby Show actress Lisa Bonet announced the name of her new baby: Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. Translation: "Little wolf who gets head shoved into toilet in seventh grade and later files for emancipation."
FRIDAY, JANUARY 9 One of these weeks, we promise we'll write an installment of One Day at a Time that doesn't feature Tom Cruise, his child bride Katie, or his clonespawn Suri—but not this week! That's because today, Tom appeared with the shrieking harpies of The View. Talking about how he's seen Katie perform in her play All My Sons over 30 times (nope, nothing creepy about that!), Tom also described how Suri tries to climb onstage with her mother—alluding to the possibility of Suri acting when she gets older. "Huzzah! All is going according to plan!" Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII bellowed when reached for comment. "Soon, Empress Suri shall take the lead role in A Raisin in the Sun, and shortly thereafter, we Scientologists shall have dominion over... over... oh, look, Ann. We both know the drill. Tom does something wacky, you call me, I rattle off a bunch of doom 'n' gloom, you call Scientology a 'cult,' everyone has a laugh. But have you ever thought about how Tom feels? Just take it easy on him, eh? And don't snicker when I tell you Suri's going to be in A Raisin in the Sun. For through my Yaltarninan chronoscope, I have seen the off-off-Broadway production, and she is a revelation! Indeed, the dark and terrible day nears in which...." This continued for 27 minutes, after which we immediately deleted Klaktu's number from our "Favorites" list on our iPhone.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 10 In a recent interview with Barbara Walters, Patrick Swayze addressed the persistent rumors he's going to die any second. "Yeah, I'm scared. Yeah, I'm angry. Yeah, I'm [asking], 'Why me?'" All the same, the '80s heartthrob refuses to stop smoking, even though he admits it "probably" had something to do with giving him pancreatic cancer—and even though yesterday, Swayze checked into the hospital after getting pneumonia. While other Swayze fans might be worried, we're confident in saying that Swayze is, as far as we can tell, immortal, like Dick Clark, or the mummy in those lousy Brendan Fraser movies. MEANWHILE... We're more concerned about "recession pounds," a trend that suggests that during hard times, people stop eating healthy food and instead gorge on sugar and saturated fats. In other words, everyone's losing their jobs, houses are being foreclosed on, we won't be able to fit into our brand-new Jil Sander dress, and once again, Alan Greenspan has ruined everything.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 11 Remember Samuel J. Wurzelbacher? Of course not! But maybe you remember him by his (even stupider) other name: Joe the Plumber. That's right: The one election-era fad you thought you'd never have to endure again is back—now he's a "news reporter" (Ho! Ho! Ho!) for a conservative website, and reporting on Israel's offensive in Gaza, and we swear to god, we aren't making any of this up. "Why hasn't Israel acted sooner?" Joe keenly asked in one report. "I know if I were a citizen here, I'd be damned upset." He also included some op/ed commentary: "When someone hits me, I'm going to unload on the boy. And if the rest of the world doesn't understand that, then I'm sorry." Nice to see that even with George W. Bush on his way out, Red State Americans are still doing their best to make us all look good.