MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 9
Ready for another week of terrible people doing terrible things? Welcome to One Day at a Time! In our shocking, shocking, SHOCKING first story, it seems acquitted murderer George Zimmerman (he of Trayvon Martin fame) is not exactly going to win the "Hubby of the Year Award." His wife, Shellie Zimmerman, called 911 recently fearing that hubby George might shoot her and her father. Apparently at the time of the call, George was in his truck "raging" (mmmmaybe about minorities?) and his wife told dispatchers that "he continually has his hand on his gun and he says [if we come any] closer... he'd shoot us." She also told the 911 operator that Zimmerman punched her father in the nose, smashed her iPad and then cut it with a pocketknife. Only days before, Shellie had told ABC News that she never "really knew" her husband during their seven years of marriage, and that the "not guilty" verdict in the Trayvon Martin murder trial had left her husband feeling "invincible." Tune in next week to find out who gun-happy George Zimmerman will threaten next! (Parents: Might want to keep your children home from school for a bit.) MEANWHILE... She's no George Zimmerman, but she's almost as terrible! Check out this headline from TMZ: "Gwyneth Paltrow—A-HOLE DRIVER OF THE YEAR!" Here's the story: While picking up their children from school, Paltrow and hubby Chris Martin were each driving their respective Vespas (OH OF COURSE THEY WERE!) when Gwynnie pulls out into traffic without looking, and narrowly avoiding getting smushed by a big, yellow school bus. Yes, her young daughter was on the back of the Vespa, and no, Gwyneth didn't give the school bus a second glance. Enough promises, Congress! We need anti-Gwyneth Paltrow Vespa legislation on the table... NOW!
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10
This just in: Terrible politician Anthony Weiner—whose sexting scandal ruined his career—has lost his bid to be mayor of New York in a similarly hilarious way. Showing up late to his primary election-night party, Weiner had to dash into the neighboring McDonald's in order to avoid a run-in with an uninvited guest: his old sexting partner (now porn star) Sydney Leathers. Awwwwwkward! After delivering his concession speech, Weiner shoved his way back into his awaiting car where he flipped the bird to reporters as he departed. Now that is the way one ends one's political career! (Take note, Hillary Clinton.) MEANWHILE... According to the Daily Mail, Twilight trampire Kristen Stewart's hair is falling out—apparently due to stress from her breakup with sparkle-skinned former boy-toy Robert Pattinson. This story is probably not true, and we have nothing left to add except to laugh evilly and repeat: Kristen Stewart's hair is falling out.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11
Okay, for those keeping score at home, we've established that the following people are terrible: George Zimmerman, Gwyneth Paltrow, Anthony Weiner, and Kristen Stewart—but who is the most terrible person of the week by far? Step aside, Kim Kardashian... it's the following lady's ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND. Floridian Remee Lee was ecstatic to learn she was pregnant—until she discovered that her boyfriend John Andrew Welden had slipped her Cytotec... also known as the abortion pill. Welden tricked his girlfriend into believing she had an infection, and then gave her Cytotec instead of an actual antibiotic. After taking one pill, she was rushed to the hospital complaining of abdominal pain and bleeding—and she lost the baby. Faced with life imprisonment, Welden accepted a plea deal that could send him to prison for 13 years. So rest easy, George, Gwyneth, Anthony, and Kristen... you've been out-terribled.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 12
Headline of the day from the Daily Mail: "Vanna White's Teenage Son Is 'Exploring a Gay Relationship' with Hare Krishna Monk Twice His Age." Okay. Nothing more to add to that, is there? Moving on! IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T HEARD... Actress Selma Blair was given the boot from Charlie Sheen's terrible sitcom Anger Management—probably because she was complaining how terrible Charlie was to work with. However, Charlie begs to differ! In an interview with Jay Leno, Chuckles said the reason Blair was let go was because her character had become "a little dull." Really? Well, in response, sources tell TMZ that unless Selma is paid the $1.2 million she would've made if she had finished the season, she's promising to file a big honking lawsuit. To our ears, that's not very "dull" at all. (Even when compared to "tiger blood!")
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 13
Lindsay Lohan is doing great these days! No, really. We aren't being sarcastic! She's doing great! So... good for her, we guess? Regardless, this column requires some Lohan to be doing dumb things... and LiLo's mom Dina has delivered! Last night, DiLo was pulled over for speeding—and then police realized her blood alcohol concentration was a whopping .20 percent! "Dina Lohan is a good person. Her life has been dedicated to her four children," lied her attorney, Mark Jay Heller. He continued, "She has worked hard her entire life and she has been a 'parent trapped' with the entire world watching her in a fishbowl with murky water due to no fault of her own." Wait... what? Is this... did he say "parent trapped" because Lindsay was in that Parent Trap remake? Is that weird fishbowl metaphor because Dina looks kind of like a fish? If Dina didn't make her bowl murky, then who did? Mark Jay Heller, you are raising far more questions than you are answering. Keep it up, sir! With Lindsay on the straight and narrow, you and Dina are just the sort of people we need.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
Happy anniversary, dears! Five years ago, the financial crisis hit—sending unemployment numbers skyrocketing, highlighting the corruption of big banks, and drawing attention to America's broken class structure. So... what've we learned? Not much, it turns out! "There was no 'equal opportunity' recession or an 'equal opportunity' recovery. One part of America is in depression, while another part is in full employment," Andrew Sum, director of the Center for Labor Market Studies at Northeastern University, told the Associated Press. While corporations and the wealthy have recovered—and are doing even better—employment is still depressingly low, and the middle class continues to erode. "The people at the bottom are going to be continually squeezed, and I don't see this ending anytime soon," says Harvard economist Richard Freeman, coldly crushing everyone's dreams. "If the economy were growing enough or unions were stronger, it would be possible for the less educated to do better and for the lower income to improve. But in our current world, where we are still adjusting to globalization, that is not very likely to happen." IN TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS... Britney Spears has signed a $30 million contract with Las Vegas' Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino—where, TMZ reports, she'll be earning $310,000 a show with 48 concerts a year! Nice work, Brit-Brit! It's nice to know that somebody's financially solvent, and nobody deserves it more than you. Mwah!
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
"This is very bad. This is horrible," pediatric infectious disease expert Dr. Buddy Creech said. What was the delightfully named Dr. Buddy talking about? Oh, just that MEASLES ARE BACK. The dangerous disease—which, thanks to childhood vaccinations, was practically eradicated in 2000—has returned with a vengeance, according to the Centers for Disease Control. CNN reports that this year "is on track to be the worst for measles in more than a decade." But how could this happen in an age where we have the miracle of science? Oh, RIGHT. "Philosophical differences," according to the Centers for Disease Control—which is code for "dumb parents listening to Jenny McCarthy, ignoring decades of proven research, and refusing to vaccinate their children." Thanks a lot, you superstitious weirdoes. (And keep your disease-ridden rugrats far, far away from the rest of us.) MEANWHILE... PETA has a new target: Katy Perry! The animal rights group has decided that since Perry included animals in her jungle-set music video for "Roar," she must be punished because... because... oh, c'mon, PETA. If you're whining about anything, it should be that "Roar" isn't even close to being as great as Katy's previous singles—need we remind you of "Teenage Dream," "Firework," "Last Friday Night," "California Gurls," "Waking Up in Vegas," and so on, ad infinitum? Priorities, PETA. Priorities.