MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
Today rapper Kanye West sat down for an epic (for him) one hour interview with BBC Radio 1 in which, for once, he didn't say anything even remotely crazy. JUST KIDDIN'! "We culture. Rap is the new rock 'n' roll," Kanye opined. "We the new rock stars and I'm the biggest of all of them. I'm the number one rock star on the planet." Now, before you accuse Kanye of being egotistical, he did concede that "there would be no Kanye West if it wasn't for Michael Jackson"—right before he said that, in certain ways, he's better than Michael Jackson. "I've got to a point that Michael Jackson did not break down.... I look around and I say, 'Wait a minute. There's no one around here in this space that looks like me. And if they are, they're quiet as fuck.' So that means, wait a second—now we're seriously like, in a civil rights movement." Soooo... we guess he's saying that "thanks" are in order? Well, okay! Thank you, Kanye! For the new civil rights movement. Thank you, Kanye! For being the number one rock star in the world, and for being, in some ways, better than Michael Jackson. And thank you, Kanye! For marrying Kim Kardashian (otherwise, we might be sitting here thinking you're not full of shit). MEANWHILE... In "news of the YUCK," yesterday during a game with the New Orleans Saints, Arizona Cardinals safety Rashad Johnson took off his glove after a particularly nasty play, and discovered part of his finger was still in it. EEEEEEEEEE!!! Reporter Kent Somers of the Arizona Republic reported on the gruesome accident in which Johnson lost the tip of his left middle finger by twattering, "Johnson had surgery yesterday. Bone was exposed so must watch for infection." EEEEEEEEEEE!!! And that, dear readers, is why the word "sports" will never pass our lips again.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
This just in: Buck-toothed hillbilly-turned-twerking provocateur Miley Cyrus enjoys the taste of heavily chlorinated water! Or so that's what we were led to believe after seeing her latest topless cover photo for Rolling Stone which depicts her climbing out of a swimming pool, and lustily licking the water from her bare shoulder. (Confidential to Miley's tongue: We've seen enough of you, dear. Climb back into your mouth.) In the accompanying article, Miley talked about her now-tedious VMA performance, the critics' reaction, and rejecting the notion that she thinks she's black (while almost simultaneously referring to Kanye West as her "homie"). In the most ridiculous portion of the interview, she accompanied the writer to a tattoo parlor where she had the words "Rolling $tone" tattooed on the soles of her feet. "I thought about going to play laser tag," she said by way of explanation. "But laser tag sucks. And we could have gone bowling—but what are we? 90?" It should be noted that Miley also has a huge "dream catcher" tattooed on her side. So yes, Miley... you are 90. A 90-year-old hippie.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
It was reported today that two Thai men were arrested after pop starlet Rihanna posted an Instagram of herself posing with the men's pet slow loris—which is kind of an endangered species. WHOOPSY! The men had been regularly (and illegally) charging tourists to take pictures with the protected animal, but were busted after local police—who apparently follow Rihanna with the same glee as the rest of us—noticed she'd posted a pic of her and the loris with the caption, "Look who was talkin dirty to me!" Once again, Rihanna is the world's inadvertent hero. Now if she could only get Chris Brown incarcerated.... MEANWHILE... Today Republican Senator Ted Cruz—AKA the smarmiest-looking politician in the history of the world—finished a 21-hour-and-19-minute filibuster against Obama's health care plan... and then voted along with everyone else that he should shut the fuck up and continue the necessary work to prevent a government shutdown. So why did he choose to perform this filibuster in the first place? Because he is an idiot. And this is America, where increasingly idiotic things like this occur. Good day.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
In a similar story, according to In Touch magazine, 18-year-old Ashley Horn—the estranged half-sister to Lindsay Lohan—has undergone $25,000 worth of plastic surgery... in order to look more like LiLo. Now. You may be asking yourself: WHY? "My goal was to look like Lindsay in her good days, when she was around 18, 19 years old," tittered Ashley, who added, "I'm hotter than Lindsay! I have no problem saying that." (Translation: "Because I am an idiot. And this is America, where increasingly idiotic things like this occur. Good day.")
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
Guys, there's a brand-new social network for us to waste thousands of unproductive hours on—but don't worry about signing up... because we're already in it! Thanks to the New York Times and a few more sinister Post-it notes from good ol' Edward Snowden, we've learned that the National Security Agency has been "exploiting its huge collections of data to create sophisticated graphs of some Americans' social connections that can identify their associates, their locations at certain times, their traveling companions, and other personal information." The Times story—which might as well be headlined "Oh God, Fox Mulder Was Right All Along"—adds that thanks to "bank codes, insurance information, Facebook profiles, passenger manifests, voter registration rolls, and GPS location information, as well as property records and unspecified tax data," the NSA has portraits of us that are "perhaps more complete and predictive of behavior than could be obtained by listening to phone conversations or reading emails." Well, on the upside, at least this social network doesn't fill up our feed with people's dumb pictures of their dumb kids. Sign us up!
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
Speaking of dumb kids: Following a sketch in which Jimmy Kimmel made fun of Kanye West's ridiculous BBC Radio 1 appearance—by replacing Kanye with a small child—Kanye got, as Kimmel noted, "VERY, VERY ANGRY." A selection of West's hate-tweets: "JIMMY KIMMEL IS OUT OF LINE TO TRY AND SPOOF IN ANY WAY THE FIRST PIECE OF HONEST MEDIA IN YEARS," "JIMMY KIMMEL PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES... OH NO THAT MEANS YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN TOO MUCH GOOD PUSSY IN YOUR LIFE...," "YOU CAN'T PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES. YOUR FACE LOOKS CRAZY... IS THAT FUNNY?... OR IF I HAD A KID SAY IT WOULD IT BE FUNNY???," "SHOULD I DO A SPOOF ABOUT YOUR FACE OR YOU FUCKING BEN AFFLECK... #NODISRESPECTTOBENAFFLECK #ALLDISRESPECTTOJIMMYKIMMEL!!!," and, most brilliantly and/or inexplicably, "I LIKE YOU, YOU KNOW ME, I WENT TO YOUR FAMILY'S WEDDING" (to which Kimmel replied, "I like you too! Glad we cleared this up."), and, finally, "SARAH SILVERMAN IS A THOUSAND TIMES FUNNIER THAN YOU AND THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS IT!!!" ("I know!" Kimmel agreed. "#WreckItRalph, right?"). What can we learn from this, dears? Well, for starters, don't ever hire a child actor to play Kanye West—because there's no way he'll ever, ever act childish enough.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
This morning House Republicans pulled a Kanye, throwing a tantrum and voting for a government shutdown to express their anger over Obamacare (which, we should note, passed back in 2010). The shutdown could result in 800,000 government employees not getting paid, suspended government services, and, if it stretches out for a while? Another recession. (We should note that Obamacare will not be affected. Sigh.) IN OTHER NEWS... Been wondering how sweet, innocent Hannah Montana turned into tongue-lolling, bottom-twerking Miley Cyrus? Wonder no more. "I just needed to let go of the past," Miley told MTV for a special called Miley: The Movement, "so I felt like I could be the bad bitch I am." Miley, honey... sometimes.... sometimes you are worse than Kanye. (There. We said it.) But why? For that, we need only watch another scene in Miley: The Movement, this one featuring Pharrell: "Her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus, her godmother is Dolly Parton, and she grew up in an era when kids listen to hiphop. People ask, 'Why is she twerking? Why is she doing this?' Because she's a product of America." Okay, dears: Forget about Ted Cruz, the NSA, and the government shutdown. What Pharrell just said? That's the most horrific thing we've ever heard about America.