MONDAY, JANUARY 12 Looking for a pile of hot, steamy scoop? One Day has the shovel and your brain is the bag! ITEM! Which two former gal pals are now giving each other the cold exposed shoulder? Why, that would be Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz! At one point, the pair was thick as thieves, often spotted at the clubs on each other's arm—but at last night's Golden Globes afterparty, they treated each other as if they were covered in radioactive herpes. What happened? Who knows? But in Hollyweird, aging actresses need to stick together. (Especially those who suffer from such horrible, disfiguring skin disorders. Oh, don't give us that look! Cammy's got more craters than the moon, and Drew is a walking oil slick.) MEANWHILE... Speaking of ugly, let's dish on Brad Pitt. At another post-Golden Globes soiree, a woman had the cajones to walk right up to Mr. Perfect telling him that Brad's makeup in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button made him look "ugly as a dog" before adding "shave that goatee, because it looks just horrible." Sure, everybody laughed—but now, in the deepest, darkest recesses of Brad's psyche, the smallest seed of doubt grows. And every time he looks in the mirror, he hears the seed whisper: "You're ugly. You're ugly. You're ugly." And in a stable far, far away, Jennifer Aniston neighs in delight.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 13 And now another entry in our ongoing series, "Gossip You Just Really Didn't Want to Hear": English pop tart Lily Allen has a third nipple! And when she rubs it, it gets hard! Sorry, but you could've stopped reading at any point. MEANWHILE... President-elect Barack Obama has quite the little "gay" problem. First, he confessed in his debate with John McCain that he didn't support nationalizing same-sex marriage. Then, after being elected, he invited admitted gay-snubber Pastor Rick Warren to lead the invocation at his inaugural ceremony. And now, it's been revealed that at one point in his career, Obama "unequivocally" supported same-sex marriage. Chicago's Windy City Times ran an interview with Obama back in 1996 during his run for the Illinois Senate in which he said, "I favor legalizing same-sex marriages, and would fight efforts to prohibit such marriages." Bearing that in mind, one really must ask oneself, "Was he lying then? Or is he lying now?" MEANWHILE... Reverend Al Sharpton ripped certain organized religions a new one this past weekend for working to pass California's anti-gay initiative Prop 8. "It amazes me," Sharpton said to the attendees of the Human Rights Ecumenical Service in Atlanta, "when I looked at California and saw churches that had nothing to say about police brutality, nothing to say when a young black boy was shot while he was wearing police handcuffs, nothing to say when they overturned affirmative action, nothing to say when people were being [relegated] into poverty, yet they were organizing and mobilizing to stop consenting adults from choosing their life partners." And THAT, Mr. Obama, is how you talk about same-sex marriage.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 14 In baby-naming news, Hollyweird power couple Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have ascribed a name to the girl who popped from Jen's loins, and it is... Seraphina? No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! That is most decidedly NOT how to name a child (at least according to Tinselturd's standards). "Seraphina" is just way too... too... "normal." And pretty! No, today's Hollyweird kid must be labeled with horrifying, dissonant-sounding monikers like "Bronx Mowgli" or "Pilot Inspektor," "Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa," or "Chlamydia Twatwaffle." (Okay, fine we made that last one up. But when Hubby Kip and we decide to get preggo? DIBS!)
THURSDAY, JANUARY 15 Since George Clooney is laying low and Brad Pitt is sidelined with a case of goatee-related insecurity, America needs a new heartthrob—and we found one! Yes, obvs we are talking about 57-year-old pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger III (even his name gets us all hot and tingly!), who successfully put down a crashing passenger aircraft in the middle of the Hudson River, saving the lives of all 150 passengers aboard. But his heroism took second place to America's fawning. "That pilot is a stud," one police source gushed to the Daily News. "He did a masterful job of landing the plane in the river and then making sure everybody got out," swooned Mayor Michael Bloomberg, while an unnamed rescuer fawned, "He looked absolutely immaculate.... He looked unruffled. His uniform was sharp." Well of course his uniform was sharp, unnamed rescuer! This is Sexy Sully we're talking about! People magazine, we believe we've already found your cover boy for your 2009 "Sexiest Man Alive" issue.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 16 So Joaquin Phoenix is a rapper now? Why not! Back in October, the 34-year-old Phoenix insisted that he was retiring from acting, causing many to wonder if (A) he was drunk, and (B) what the hell he was planning on doing if he was no longer acting in classics like The Village. Now we have the answer, courtesy of an unasked-for performance at a Las Vegas club: hiphop! "This is me saying, 'This is who I am. This is my story,'" Phoenix, sporting a mangy, Yosemite Sam-style beard, told People magazine. "I love the storytelling aspect of hiphop." He then went onstage, shouted a bunch of indecipherable lyrics, and fell down. So either this is the greatest put-on of all time (Oh, Joaquin! You almost had us with that crappy fake beard!), or the Academy Award-nominated actor just went all Kevin Federline on us. (Just to be safe, we're brainstorming some K.Fed-like monikers for Joaquin. How do you guys feel about "J.Pho"?)
SATURDAY, JANUARY 17 Remember when Barack Obama beat the crap out of John McCain, and everyone was all, "Hooray, that little wrinkly midget can't hurt us anymore!" Well, WRONG. McCain is back, and he's still doing his grumpy munchkin best to make us miserable! FOR EXAMPLE: Did you know that McCain's wife, Cindy, wanted to be on Dancing with the Stars? "Just before Thanksgiving, Cindy McCain started talks with producers to appear as a dancer on the show," dished the New York Post. "She wanted to do it very badly." Unfortunately, John heard about it, and—being the contemptible little leprechaun he is—"put the kibosh on it." Thanks for nothing, McCain! Now you tell us where else are we going to find another ditzy, bleached-blonde former Percocet addict who'll happily humiliate herself by spinning around a ballroom with Dave Coulier? Oh, right. Any street corner in Los Angeles. Grr. You might've won this round, McCain....
SUNDAY, JANUARY 18 Paul Blart: Mall Cop, a film about that fat guy from The King of Queens riding a Segway, took the number-one spot at the box office this weekend, raking in $40 million. We aren't going to make a joke about this, dears, because it's not funny. Rather, this is as clear a sign of the End Times as we've ever seen. Convert all your money to gold, grab all the canned food and shotgun ammo you can find, and lock yourself in your basement. Things are about to get bad. Really bad. CASE IN POINT... It's hard to think of two more bone-able stars than Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet—but before you try to talk your unresponsive husband (hi Kip!) into that Titanic roleplay one last time, you might want to hear what Leo said about Kate at a recent premiere for Revolutionary Road: "In a twisted way, it's like kissing a family member," he told the Daily Mail. "I was entirely too used to that from doing that film with her." We assume by the phrase "that film," he means Titanic, the highest-grossing motion picture of all time, and we'll assume that by the phrase "kissing a family member," he meant to ruin the world's fantasies of some hot Winslet/DiCaprio action. Thanks for nothing, DiCaprio! In Paul Blart-filled times like these, when Joaquin Phoenix insists on rapping and John McCain ruins reality television, how can you sleep at night knowing you're making things even worse?