MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
In a shocking—SHOCKING!—turn of events, Republicans have once again turned against the people who elected them by causing a government shutdown, furloughing 800,000 workers without pay... all in a failed attempt to ensure that our country's neediest citizens remain without health insurance. Hmmm... that makes sense! If you're Darth Vader. But instead of blowing up Princess Leia's home planet of Alderaan, the GOP prefers to pick off helpless Americans one at a time. In a single sad example, thanks to the shutdown, benefits for nine million low-income mothers and children are in jeopardy, as certain checks and services are being curtailed in some states. Meanwhile, even as the Affordable Care Act (that's Obamacare for those who don't know the difference) goes into effect this week, millions will still be denied coverage. Why? Because the majority of these unlucky people live in states largely controlled by Republicans—who refuse to participate in the Medicaid expansion. According to the New York Times, "about 60 percent of the country's uninsured working poor are in those states," adding, "among those excluded are about 435,000 cashiers, 341,000 cooks, and 253,000 nurses' aides." In other words, it's hard to imagine Darth Vader being that sadistic. MEANWHILE... Another startling shutdown occurred today—poor Justin Bieber's legs. While touring the Great Wall of China, Bieber's legs found they could no longer support his spindly body, forcing the singer to be carried to the top on the shoulders of his bodyguards. When they arrived at the peak, the young douche twattered, "We made it up top!! #GreatWall." IN A RELATED STORY... Justin Bieber's legs are still slightly less lazy than Congress.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 1
In an obvious effort to teach Republicans how to get along, R&B singers and longtime mortal enemies Chris Brown and Drake have agreed to bury the hatchet and record a song together. WHAAAAAAAA?? As longtime readers of One Day know, Chris and Drake separately dated Rihanna (though we're pretty sure only one of them nearly beat her to death), and a fistfight between the two was barely avoided in a NYC nightclub last year. Us Weekly claims that Drake visited Brown's dressing room before the recent iHeartRadio concert and "made peace," according to their source. Insiders also think they're recording a song together due to Brown's recent Facebook message, "Hangin with Drake in the studio." (Take note, Republicans: If Chris Brown can stop being a dick, why can't you?) MEANWHILE... Note to major media: Quit acting like the government shutdown was the fault of both parties. Fox News was quick to trumpet yesterday's photo-op picturing House Republicans forlornly sitting alone at the negotiation table, allegedly waiting for the Senate to show up. The truth is that this meeting was called less than an hour before the midnight vote. Says the New York Times, "For six months, the Senate has been demanding a conference with the House on the 2014 budget—talks that might have prevented the impasse in the first place. But the House leadership has adamantly refused, knowing it would not succeed in getting all the cuts to taxes and spending that it demands." And now we're in shutdown mode, because the GOP is still buttsore over the passage of the Affordable Care Act. Or as the eternally wise Jon Stewart on The Daily Show put it, "Did you see the Giants game on Sunday? They lost 31-7. Do you know what the Giants didn't say after that game? 'If you don't give us 25 more points by midnight on Monday, we will shut down the fucking NFL.'"
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 2
Speaking of shutdowns—do you recall when dreamboaty love-of-our-lives-sorry-Hubby-Kip George Clooney shut down longtime romantic interest Stacy Keibler? (Hmm... we wonder what she's up to these days?) Well, according to Us Weekly, he's shut down the rest of the female world population (including us! Sob!) for model Monika Jakisic—also known as the "Croatian Sensation"... which is nothing less than an icky nickname, if you ask us. A source tells the magazine that on September 25 Clooney had a "sleepover" with CroSen (our new nickname for her... since "man-stealing b-word" is already taken).
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 3
Note to young celebrities: Be careful when you name-check Sinead O'Connor! The "Nothing Compares 2 U" singer was less than thrilled by Miley Cyrus' Rolling Stone interview which invoked O'Connor's song as inspiration for her new single "Wrecking Ball." And so? Today, O'Connor penned a lengthy public letter to Cyrus that not only complimented her music, but also gave her some very solid advice: "Real empowerment of yourself as a woman would be... to refuse to exploit your body or your sexuality in order for men to make money from you," O'Connor wrote. "Please in the future say no when you are asked to prostitute yourself. [Your body] isn't for every spunk-spewing dirtbag on the net, or every greedy record company executive to buy his mistresses diamonds with." All together now, ladies: "WHAT SHE SAID."
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 4
SIGH. The government shutdown continued today, and lest Americans grow too comfortable with Republicans' childish tantrum, members of the GOP gave some helpful reminders that they're oblivious jerks. Take North Carolina's Representative Renee Ellmers, for example, who was aghast to discover some members of Congress are giving up their paychecks in solidarity with the 800,000 people they put out of work. "I need my paycheck," Ellmers told Raleigh, North Carolina's WTVD. "I understand that there may be some other members who are deferring their paychecks, and I think that's admirable, but I'm not in that position." (What position is Ellmers in? Well, she only makes the standard congressional salary—$174,000 a year—and her husband is only a surgeon.) Not content to let Ellmers be the only cruel moron, Texas Representative Randy Neugebauer swung by Washington DC's World War II Memorial—which has been closed due to the shutdown Neugebauer voted for. Neugebauer then marched up to the park ranger keeping people out of the memorial and condemned her for doing her job ("How do you look at them and... deny them access? I don't get that.") before informing her that everyone in the park service should be "ashamed of themselves." America: Can it get any worse? MEANWHILE... It sure can! "The government shutdown may have become a boon for one kind of online dating site—those that help users find sugar daddies," NPR reports, noting that sites like SeekingArrangement.com and WhatsYourPrice.com saw tremendous rises in membership when the shutdown began. Jennifer Gwynn, the PR manager for SeekingArrangement.com, explains: "Half of the new users are single moms, so we're thinking that it's directly tied to the government shutdown, since programs like WIC [the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children], that help more than nine million moms, have been stalled. It would make no sense for growth otherwise." In other words: The government shutdown is making some women consider prostitution. All together now: U-S-A! U-S-A!
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 5
Forget about George Clooney's Croatian Sensation—we just found out what his ex, Stacy Keibler, is up to! The former WWE wrestler is having a bit of a rough go: "She estimates she needs over $50,000 a month to support her current lifestyle," a source gabbed to the National Enquirer, adding that Keibler was used to having it "all" with Clooney—"private jets, a mind-blowing wardrobe, and whatever she wanted." Post-George—and post-amenities—Keibler might resort to "a one-time appearance on the wrestling circuit" to reinvigorate her checking account. If this were anyone else, we'd feel terrible about this... but given that Keibler dated our beloved George for two years—two years we should have spent with him—we have only this to say: AHAHAHHHAAHHHAA! Ha! HAAA! Wrestle it up, Keibler! WRESTLE IT UP! (Or maybe check out those sugar daddy sites? We hear those are all the rage.)
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 6
We now offer grudging, halfhearted praise to Miley Cyrus, who hosted Saturday Night Live and managed to mechanically recite her lines and not embarrass herself! So... nice work? Keep it up, MiMi! IN RELATED NEWS... We retract everything we just said, because ugh, did you see Cyrus on Today? When Matt Lauer asked the former Hannah Montana when she'll stop ramming her newfound "sexual side" down our throats, the dead-eyed Miley, still on a comedy high from SNL, took a moment to guess Lauer's age, then said that's when she'll stop. "Probably around 40," Miley attempted to deadpan. "I heard that's when people don't have sex anymore." Upon learning that Lauer is, in fact, 55, Miley doubled down: "Oh, well, then you're really definitely not sexual." Look... we don't... we just don't know anymore. About the government? About Matt Lauer's sex life? About... please come back, Lindsay Lohan. Things were so much better when you were here.