MONDAY, OCTOBER 21
The day the world dreaded for months has finally arrived: Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian. (Oh dear god noooooooo!) The "Gold Digger" singer officially proposed to the gold-digging monster today during a secret surprise visit to San Francisco's AT&T Park, where he had the words "PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!" flash on the Jumbotron. (Apparently Kanye's Twatter account isn't the only home for "all caps and multiple exclamation marks.") Naturally the scheming harpy said "yes," and he placed a 15-carat diamond ring (valued at $8 million) on Kim's bony, undeserving finger. This will ultimately be the third failed marriage for the non-celebrity, after being wed to record producer Damon Thomas (four years) and basketball doofus/stooge Kris Humphries (a whopping 72 days). So let's place our bets! According to the New York Daily News, "online bookie Paddy Power has put the odds on Kimye's marriage lasting less than two years at 2-1." However, we're going to be generous and predict their marriage will only last a year and a half: That gives Kanye plenty of time to realize he's made the most TERRRRRRIBLE MISTAAAAKE OF HIS LIIIIIIIFE! (How much will it cost to put that up on the Jumbotron?) MEANWHILE... In much happier marriage news, today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie grudgingly gave up his longtime fight against same-sex marriage, thereby opening the legal door for the state's gay and lesbian folk to get married immediately. Christie had sworn to take his appeal to the Supreme Court, and was stopped only after everyone in the world called his hateful pursuit a "fool's errand" that would almost certainly end in failure. Good luck and best wishes to all the same-sex couples in New Jersey, and you can bet your gay bottom dollar that Oregon will be right behind you (metaphorically) in 2014. (Donate or volunteer now at oregonunitedformarriage.org).
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 22
In less than pleasant marriage news, actress/singer Katharine McPhee (Smash, American Idol) was caught by the paparazzi smooching her former director Michael Morris—who just so happens to be married! Okay, four questions: (1) Who's Katharine McPhee? Okay, just kidding, but seriously... (2) Who's Katharine McPhee? (3) Why are the paparazzi following Katharine McPhee? And (4) how could Katharine McPhee betray the entirety of womanhood by cheating with Morris, whose wife is totally awesome actress Mary McCormack (Private Parts, TV series In Plain Sight), who has been married to this cheating bag of shit for 10 years? According to insiders talking to the New York Daily News, Mary is "beyond furious and is absolutely devastated... [she] wants to split up with him." But before she does, Mary just wants her idiot cheating hubby to answer one question: "Who's Katharine McPhee?"
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 23
As we all know, Obama's healthcare.gov site is only slightly less terrible than oregonlive.com—and its rollout was marred with technical glitches that are making it nearly impossible for anyone participating in the enrollment process. However, as bad as it is, everyone knows that eventually it will be fixed... unlike the Republican Party, which is far worse than healthcare.gov and oregonlive.com rolled into one. Ever since they've perhaps permanently soiled their already terrible reputation following the government shutdown, the GOP has been desperately trying to deflect its terribleness elsewhere—and in particular toward the Obamacare site. Says Brad Dayspring, spokesman for the National Republican Senatorial Committee, "Democratic senators who point fingers at a bad website while defending Obamacare would be like a restaurant owner telling a patron, 'Ignore the rats in the kitchen, try the steak, trust us.'" Well, here's a message for the rat-infested kitchen of the Republican Party: The latest poll from CNN/ORC International reports that over half the country thinks it's bad for the GOP to control the House of Representatives—and that's on top of an embarrassingly low 12 percent approval rating for Congress. Sure GOP, we'd love to try the steak—but your rats have already eaten it.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 24
During a recent interview for the release of her new album Prism, pop tartlet Katy Perry gave a very interesting answer to the question, "What do you keep in your purse?" Said Katy, "One of the first times I went to the Grammys, I got to share a dressing room with Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift, and I asked for a lock of their hair... I put little bows on them individually and put them in my purse. That was my little secret and I'm a freak!" Don't worry, Miley and Taylor—we're passing this info on to the police. You know... just in case.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 25
While the majority of Americans are apparently too busy watching Duck Dynasty to get mad about the National Security Agency spying on us via our email, phones, and social networking, the rest of the world isn't quite so eager to let Obama do whatever he wants. Like German Chancellor Angela Merkel, for example, who found out this weekend that the NSA had bugged her phone for more than a decade. Germany—a country that's no stranger to the dangers of government surveillance—is justifiably infuriated, and the discovery, according to Al Jazeera America, "prompted it to summon the US ambassador this week for the first time in living memory, an unprecedented post-war diplomatic rift. German spy chiefs will travel to the United States next week to demand answers." So, short version: Spy-happy America, in decline, eavesdrops on the sexts of Angela Merkel, one of our most powerful allies, whose financially and politically ascendant country is basically holding Europe together? The repercussions of this will... not be good. Stay tuned for the international meltdown, dears!
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 26
Speaking of international meltdowns: Hollyweird's decision to pander to Chinese audiences more than American audiences might have backfired with the upcoming Michael Bay blockbuster Transformers: Age of Extinction, which is currently shooting in Hong Kong. Several weeks ago, a man reportedly demanded $13,000 from Bay, going so far as to attack crewmembers with an air conditioner. Enter Michael Bay, who—using the training he doubtlessly learned from Will Smith and Martin Lawrence while shooting Bad Boys and Bad Boys II—gracefully ducked the attack, threw the air conditioner to the ground, and pushed away the attacker. "It was like a zombie in Brad Pitt's movie World War Z," Bay gleefully blogged. "He lifted seven guys up and tried to bite them. He actually bit into one of the guard's Nike shoe, insane. Thank god it was an Air Max, the bubble popped, but the toe was saved. Then it took 15 Hong Kong cops in riot gear to deal with these punks [the other attackers]." (Dear Michael Bay: Please blog about everything.) But that's not all! Because this week, another group of men—these ones suspected Triad members—showed up and tried to extort more money from Bay & Co. The attempt was foiled (probably when Bay shot a rocket launcher at them in slow motion), but still: Good on you, Chinese punks and Triad thugs! Whatever else you can do to delay another Transformers movie, we'll all thank you for it.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 27
TODAY IN GREAT NEWS: Chris Brown is in jail! Chris Brown is in jail! Hooray! According to TMZ, Brown was taking a picture with two female fans in Washington, DC, (women! What were you thinking? Run for your lives!) when another male fan (how many fans does Chris Brown have? Is this all of them?) photobombed the picture. Brown's predictable response? He allegedly shouted, "I'm not down with that gay shit, I feel like boxing," then punched the man and broke his nose. Such conduct violates Brown's parole—you know, the parole he got for brutally assaulting and nearly killing Rihanna—and could land the infamous asshole in jail for four years! Please, please, pretty please. TODAY IN TERRIBLE NEWS: Musician Lou Reed has died at age 71. "With the Velvet Underground in the late '60s, Reed fused street-level urgency with elements of European avant-garde music, marrying beauty and noise, while bringing a whole new lyrical honesty to rock 'n' roll poetry," Rolling Stone wrote in Reed's obituary. "As a restlessly inventive solo artist, from the '70s into the 2010s, he was chameleonic, thorny, and unpredictable, challenging his fans at every turn." Well said, Rolling Stone. Lou, you'll be missed. CONFIDENTIAL TO GOD... Cut it out. You're taking the wrong people.