MONDAY, NOVEMBER 4
Kids... who needs 'em? However, it's come to our attention that some people actually enjoy parenting... even if they're not very good at it. AT ALL. Case in point: The increasingly fucked-up trio of Charlie Sheen and his ex-wives Denise Richards and Brooke Mueller. Denise shocked the world today by sending a letter to the LA County Department of Children and Family Services stating she will no longer care for Brooke and Charlie's twin boys—who, according to her? Are absolute MONSTERS. Blaming Brooke for the kids' shitty behavior, Denise says the bratty four-year-olds lapse into "zombie-like states" where they physically abuse her daughters as well as kick and strangle her dogs. Plus, she alleges, the boys have been bullying other children at school, as well as punching and slapping their teachers. But most confusingly? According to TMZ, "Denise says the kids have also thrown their own feces into the bathroom of one of her daughters." (In the children's defense, it's better than throwing one's feces into the pantry.) Both Denise and Charlie blame Brooke's alleged lack of parenting skills for the twins' behavior—so how is Papa Charlie dealing with this revelation? With absolute maturity! And some quotes from Apocalypse Now. "I am beyond their timid lying morality, therefore I am beyond caring," Chuckles wrote to TMZ, apparently in response to perceived inaction from the child welfare department. "I am battling an amorphous enemy that needs to be swiftly disempowered. The storm is brewing. Their roofs are leaking. I am the tsunami your mommy warned you about your whole childhood. All you renegade deplorable pigs are marked for slaughter." Ladies and gentlemen... Charlie Sheen: One Day at a Time's nominee for "Father of the Year."
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 5
Charlie Sheen's custody battle for his twin boys (the alleged dog-strangling feces-flingers mentioned above) continues. Today on his Twatter machine he wished ex-wife Brooke Mueller a happy birthday by sending her a picture of a slice of cake with a grenade sitting on top, and these words: "Happy Bday Brooke. When you're done sucking off the parking lot at Home Depot, why don't ya 'blow' out this candle?" Two things, Charlie: (1) It's not Brooke's birthday. (2) People who want to retain custody of their children usually don't send pictures of grenades on cake... but you might want to consult your lawyer, just in case! MEANWHILE... More woes for globetrotting troublemaker Justin Bieber! As you recall, last week Das Biebs was seen tagging a wall in Colombia with the spray-painted phrase "Free Breezy"—regarding Chris Brown's recent, short-lived, but entirely justified imprisonment. This week, Justin was photographed practicing his graffiti skills on the wall of a hotel in Rio de Janeiro, writing such hefty philosophical phrases as "Respect privacy" and "Bielibers 4 Life." As it turns out, street art is legal in the country if the tagger is given the okay by the owners—which he most certainly was not, and Baby Bieber barely made it out of the country before the police came knocking at his rented mansion door. If prosecuted, Justin could face up to one year in a South American jail. OH MY! The fan fiction we could write about that.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 6
As mentioned a couple of weeks ago, haughty monstress Gwyneth Paltrow has declared war on Vanity Fair for producing what she suspects is (and if there's a god, she's right) a Goop-attack feature for their upcoming issue. According to Radar Online, not only has she emailed all her "A-list friends" asking them to cut off all ties with the magazine, but she's also imploring them to skip the periodical's famous Oscar party that anyone who is anybody attends without fail. Naturally, her request is falling almost entirely on deaf ears, because SHUT UP GWYNETH PALTROW EVERYONE HATES YOU. On the bright side, Gwyneth's little hissy fit almost ensures that every single copy of that Vanity Fair will sell out in a flash. Oh... did we say "on the bright side" for Gwyneth? We meant "on the bright side" for the world.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 7
Canada one-ups us once again by playing host to "the most terrible mayor in the world." After enduring months of wagging tongues, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted publicly he has smoked crack—but only after being caught red-handed on video. "Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine," said the mayor to a throng of snickering reporters. "There have been times when I've been in a drunken stupor." Now, this is why we love the internet—because today, like manna from heaven, a video of one of Ford's so-called "drunken stupors" was leaked—and oh sweet lord, it is... glorious! From the Toronto Sun's description of the video: "Ford slurs his words as he staggers around an unknown dining room, apparently high, ranting gibberish and gesticulating wildly." The mayor then starts screaming, "I'll rip his fucking throat out. I'll poke his eyes out... I'll make sure that motherfucker's dead!" It's unclear exactly whom Ford is talking about... unless maybe it's his career as a politician?
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 8
Look, we're as annoyed by Kanye West as everyone else on the planet, but even we have to admit his latest stunt is pretty brilliant: He's selling merch at his shows emblazoned with the Confederate flag. "The Confederate flag represented slavery... so I took the Confederate flag and made it my flag," Kanye told AMP Radio. "It's my flag now! Now what are you gonna do?" Those screams of anguish you're hearing? Those are the sounds of American racists forced to throw away their Confederate flag T-shirts, trucker hats, mud flaps, gun cases, tramp stamps, and General Lees. Ha! (And Kanye? We'll never say this to you again, so savor it: Nice work.)
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 9
Oh look! The Oregon Department of Justice released its investigation into the relationship between former Multnomah County Chair Jeff Cogen and former health department manager Sonia Manhas. The report contained a spreadsheet filled with what Mercury News Editor Denis C. Theriault called "salacious and personal" details, such as "Cogen and Manhas first kiss during lunch" (July 2011), "Cogen and Manhas have sex during lunch" (August 2011), "Cogen and Manhas go to Salem for legislative hearings and have sex during return trip" (March 2012), a few highlights like "Cogen has old friends visiting. Friends left Cogen ecstasy. He takes this ecstasy to beach trip with Manhas" (December 2012), and a slew of examples of how Cogen made boring public events more tolerable: Cogen "used marijuana and went to the Good in the Hood parade" (June 2013), "Cogen tells Manhas he used marijuana and went to the Gay Pride parade" (June 2013), and "Cogen tells Manhas he used marijuana and went to the St. Johns parade" (May 2012). Okay: No one told us being Multnomah County chair is apparently the GREATEST JOB IN THE WORLD. Aside from the fact that any ill effects of Cogen and Manhas' relationship have been blown waaaay out of proportion, this sounds like a pretty sweet gig. So consider this the announcement of our candidacy: We're running for Multnomah County chair! Are you a fan of sex and drugs? VOTE ROMANO IN 2014! (Our first order of business will be to apologize to Cogen and Manhas for how they've been treated. Our second order of business will be to invite George Clooney along on a legislative trip to Salem.)
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 10
Tom Cruise is suing In Touch for $50 million, claiming the magazine defamed him by saying he "abandoned" his daughter Suri. Ker-SNOOZE. However! Thanks to court documents, a ton of details have come out—including the not-shocking-at-all fact that Cruise's devotion to the Cult of Scientology did affect Cruise's marriage to Katie Holmes! "Katie Holmes left you in part to protect Suri from Scientology?" a lawyer asked Cruise, to which he answered, "Did she say that? That was one of the assertions, yes." "Balderdash and biddlyscrumps!" screeched Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, chief Scientology spokesalien. "Katie left Tom because she has less of a heart than a Bolgorian fangbeast. And despite her efforts to secret Suri away, her loyal Thetan Followers in the Betafrax Cluster have not forgotten that Suri will rise ascendant and rule over your pitiful planet and make all who defy her pay! Including In Touch—$50 million, to be exact." Klaktu then said that once the trial is over, everybody was welcome to come over to his place and watch Jack Reacher.