ALEC BALDWIN Think it's time we label Alec Baldwin as a dick? 'Cuz HE'S A DICK.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 11

Okay, we'll admit it... we now can appreciate and love buck-toothed hillbilly Miley Cyrus. Sure, we've had our differences of opinion in the past... remember when she tried to convince us she had been smoking salvia? Oh girl, please. And while she may not yet be the perfect feminist dreamboat, we've been gazing at her recent body-flaunting onstage hijinks with a certain measure of begrudging respect. But this weekend? We solidly jumped over to "Team Miley" when she accepted the Best Video Award at the MTV European Music Awards in Amsterdam... and fired up a joint live onstage. While legalized marijuana is no big deal in Amsterdam, back in America, MTV producers freaked OUT, cutting the so-called offending spectacle from the US broadcast. "No one was expecting it to happen," an illogically offended MTV source told Us magazine. "It was so brazen, so shameless. It was so uncalled for." (Okay, on three everybody. One... two... three... EYE ROLL.) Happily the so-called "shameless" Miley took to her Twatter machine to pen the perfect response to her haters: "Sometimes in life you just gotta decide to not give AF." (Which is to say, "a fuck.") Keep on not giving AF, Miley! Now you've got One Day at a Time giving AF about you! (Not that you give AF.)

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 12

Struggling actor/musician Justin Timberlake apparently has mixed feelings about his recent GQ Man of the Year award, in which he said, "I find it ironic that I'm doing an interview with you about Man of the Year when I feel—literally—like a bunch of people just took a shit on my face." (Justin is referring to the absolutely terrible reviews he received for his absolutely terrible movie Runner Runner—including a piece from Variety titled, "Justin Timberlake: Why He Should Stop Acting." Ouch. And even though that's not LITERALLY shitting on Justin's face... he still seems mighty peeved. Let's see what else he had to say!) "This face," he said to GQ, probably pointing at his poopy face, "this recognizable face that you work so hard to get—not because you want the recognition but because you know you're made to do it. The movie didn't do well at the box office, so I should quit? I have the number-one album this week, and I shouldn't have released it? You sound like a dickhead... you're trade magazines. None of your opinions count. And by the way, none of you can do it." Three things, Justin: (1) You're a big crybaby, and might want to consider growing the fuck up. (2) If Variety's opinions don't count, then no one's opinions count, and you should (again) stop being a crybaby and grow the fuck up. And (3) never, ever start a conversation with "this face"—especially when it "literally" has poopy on it. LITERALLY.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 13

Tonight in NYC, a screening of the upcoming film The Hunger Games: Catching Fire was disrupted by a chattering Barbara Walters, who (according to the New York Daily News) could not shut her big flappy mouth. Trailed by four assistants (!!), Babs allegedly ordered one to "clean her glasses" while pointing at the screen and peppering the others with questions ranging from "Who's that character?" (Katniss, the protagonist) to "Who's that character?" (Still Katniss, still the protagonist). Dear Babs: The AARP called and said you're giving them a bad name.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 14

You've heard the increasingly hilarious tale of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and how he had to publicly admit he smoked crack, right? Then let's just jump right into the middle of today's startling admission where he confessed that he's too busy eating his wife's pussy to eat anyone else's pussy. Answering accusations that he once tried to engage in oral sex with a female staffer, Ford said the following in front of a room full of reporters: "[The complaint] says I wanted to eat her pussy. I've never said that in my life to her. I would never do that. I'm happily married. I've got more than enough to eat at home. Thank you very much." No... thank YOU very much, Mayor Rob Ford! And please, don't ever stop.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 15

While One Day at a Time usually—and proudly—revels in the very worst that humanity has to offer, once in a while there's a reminder that people can actually be something other than complete shits. Just such a thing happened in San Francisco today, when thousands of the city's residents united around a Make-a-Wish campaign for five-year-old Miles Scott, whose leukemia has recently gone into remission. Miles' wish was the same one shared by boys and emotionally stunted men everywhere: to be Batman. And thus: Police Chief Greg Suhr called Miles—AKA Batkid—into action this morning, and then the adorable kid—in full bat-gear!—was driven around San Francisco in a Lamborghini Batmobile to rescue a damsel in distress, foil schemes committed by the Riddler and the Penguin (after which he was formally thanked by the US Attorney's Office), receive the (chocolate) key to the city from Mayor Ed Lee, be congratulated by President Obama on Vine ("Way to go, Miles! Way to save Gotham!"), and all along the way, get cheered on by over 10,000 people. "Wasn't that fantastic?" Christian Bale told Vulture. "This little kid, oh my God—what a wonderful day for the little fella! It's just fantastic seeing all these people who were out to support it." Hold on, dears, there's... there's something happening on our face? Some kind of... liquid? Coming out of our... eyes? We... hmm. This hasn't ever happened before. What a strange sensation. Is it blood? No, it's clear, wet... tastes like saline. Hmm. It's not hot outside, we can't be sweating... and we certainly didn't spill our martini. How strange.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 16

Best headline ever: "NICK CANNON IMPOSTER PULLS OFF JEWELRY HEIST"! Two men convinced an employee at Santa Monica's upscale Fred Segal that they worked for Cannon... and that they needed some jewelry for Cannon's wife, Mariah Carey. Asked to give the jewelry up for later payment, the employee agreed... and that was the last anyone saw of them and the thousands of dollars of jewelry! Okay, that headline was pretty misleading (thanks for nothing, TMZ), but our congratulations go out to the crooks: It takes a serious lack of shame to publicly tell anyone you know Nick Cannon, even if you know, deep down, that it's a lie. MEANWHILE... No, no, wait! For real the best headline ever: "BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH IS A GAY EROTIC GOD IN CHINA"! (Thanks for everything, Foreign Policy!) "Since 2010, when the BBC television series Sherlock first aired, a fascination with Benedict Cumberbatch... has inspired a new wave of gay romance literature on the Chinese internet," Foreign Policy reports—with most of the stories and videos imagining Cumberbatch "ravaging" Sherlock's Watson, Martin Freeman. Chinese fans call Cumberbatch "Curly Fu" ("'Curly' describes the star's hairstyle, while 'Fu' is a shortened Chinese transliteration of 'Holmes'"), and have crafted some beautiful passages: "Sherlock's tongue was like an all-powerful key," goes one Curly Fu story, written from Watson's perspective, "unlocking all the doors of my heart." If you'll excuse us, dears, we need to fire up Google Translate. Please entertain yourselves until Sunday.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 17

There comes a time when—no matter how much you don't want to—you simply have to point out when someone's a dick. And that dick, dears, is Alec Baldwin. Our 30 Rock-loving heart has tried to forgive Baldwin many times—like when he called his 11-year-old daughter a "thoughtless little pig," when he said former Republican Representative Henry Hyde should be "stoned to death," when he threw a Twatter tantrum over having to put away Words with Friends on an airplane, when he shouted racist and sexual insults at a black New York Post photographer, and when he called gay Daily Mail writer George Stark a "toxic little queen." But now he's called a photographer a "cocksucking fag," according to the New York Daily News. While Baldwin offered another half-assed apology, his new MSNBC show, Up Late, was yanked from the air. "Alec Baldwin shows his true colors yet again," CNN's Anderson Cooper noted. "Mr. Baldwin can't lend his support for equality on paper, while degrading gay people in practice," GLAAD said. Hear, hear. We're sorry it took us so long to say this, but this one goes out to you, Alec: So long, dick.