MONDAY, JANUARY 26 Is it just us, or has the entire world got a bad case of the grumpies? And it's not just the Lars Larsons of Portland screaming for the head of Sam Adams, either—this aggravated sense of impotent rage has stretched its tentacles to our beloved Hollyweird, and has entered the ear canal and brain of actor Ashton Kutcher. The Punk'd star waged a ridiculous YouTube/Twitter war on his neighbor, Hollyweird scribe Bruce Goldsmith, who has apparently been doing massive renovations on his house early in the morning. "It's 7:30 am and I get to wake up in my bedroom to my fucking jackass neighbor... doing this next to my porch," Kutcher said as part of a videotape he planned to use for legal purposes. (Are you sure you want to use the words "fucking jackass" in front of a judge, Ashy?) Anyway, he continues: "That's my bedroom. This is where my dickweed neighbor has decided to be building a house at 7 am, pounding on steel and welding right next to my frickin' house!" But did Kutcher stop there? OHHHHHH, NOOOOO! He then took his passive-aggressive tirade to Twitter, making the following twitterrific pronouncements (spelling and grammatical errors hilariously included): "this SOB owl feces cougar placenta jack bone dick!"; "Jack ass 7 am building a god damn fort next to my house f'in up my view and noise polluting the entire f'in neighborhood with pounding steal."; "this ass clown has another thing coming!"; and "I'm gonna kill my neighbor!" (Another thing one might not want to admit in front of a judge.) After the news spread like wildfire, Kutcher returned to Twitter, to call the entire incident a big "joke." Hear that America? You just been PUNK'D, yo! Wait... why aren't you laughing?
TUESDAY, JANUARY 27 "Aggro celeb week" continues with this item regarding deadbeat dad Michael Lohan, who, after swearing up and down to stay out of his daughter Lindsay's affairs, keeps... getting... pulled... back... IN! On his stupid blog he writes (and we'll be adding our "eye rolls" in brackets), "After seeing promise and thanking God [eye roll!] for Lindsay's freedom from SaMANtha's bondage [What? Eye roll!], I see now SaMANtha [We get the point, Michael! Eye roll!] has weaseled her way back into Lindsay's life. ...Help her to see that since SaMANtha [Not very subtle, are you? Eye roll!] came into her life, nothing good has come of it [We beg to differ, Michael. What about that awesome alleyway fistfight they had in front of a bum eating a sandwich? Oh... almost forgot. EYE ROLL!]. MEANWHILE... 21-year-old starlet Evan Rachel Wood has been caught smooching 56-year-old The Wrestler co-star Mickey Rourke. (Mayor Adams, meet the competition!) And while Woods is now allegedly furious about the insinuation that she and Rourke are a couple (and that Mickey never really denied it), does she even remember that she once dated famously fugly Marilyn Manson? Girlfriend, don't get mad—as far as we're concerned, Mickey is a big step up!
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 28 Actress Nancy Cartwright is the voice of The Simpsons' Bart Simpson, yes? And Nancy Cartwright is also a proud Scientologist, right? So how do you think it makes the producers of The Simpsons feel when Cartwright uses her Bart voice to promote Scientology? Mmmmm... not so hot. Here's the phone message some Scientologists received to advertise an upcoming church event in Hollyweird: "Yo, what's happenin' man? This is Bart Simpson. Haha. Just kidding, don't hang up. This is Nancy Cartwright." Ga-ROAN. Cartwright also used the message to inform worshippers that she had reached a new "auditing level OT VII" (Whooo! Way to go, Nancy! Does that mean you get to jump in the volcano first?). Naturally, the show's producers were not pleased, and issued a statement saying The Simpsons has "never endorsed any religion, philosophy, or system of beliefs any more profound than Butterfinger bars." (We like that.) But who cares about those guys? You want to hear what the always verbose Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII thinks! Take it, Klaktu! "Don't have a cow, earthling," the emperor softly replied. Really? That's it? "Sorry, my distraction emanates from being unable to wrap my tentacles around this Sam Adams scandal. How about... 'Cowabunga, humanoid?'"
THURSDAY, JANUARY 29 Today Governor Rod Blagojevich spoke before the Illinois Senate in a last-ditch attempt to avoid impeachment for allegedly trying to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat. Apparently it didn't work, because the final vote was 59-0 in favor of impeachment, and even worse? They had boxed up all of the governor's things before he took the podium to speak. IN A RELATED STORY... Our very foolish Hubby Kip forgot our nine-year anniversary today. Maybe Blago could use a roommate?
FRIDAY, JANUARY 30 Death... the final frontier. No, wait, that's not right. Isn't there some saying nerds use when they die? Die slowly and prosper, maybe? Eh, whatever. Hubby Kip usually provides this information, but we're still angry about him forgetting our anniversary, and he's currently sleeping on the couch in the garage—so let's just cut to the Dead Dweeb News™: "The creator of Star Trek and his wife will spend eternity together in space," reports the Associated Press. "The couple's cremated remains will be sealed into specially made capsules to withstand the rigors of space travel. A rocket-sized spacecraft will carry the capsules, along with digitized tributes from fans. [Shudder. Eye roll.] The Roddenberrys' remains—and the spacecraft—will travel ever deeper into space and will not return to Earth." Now, we were going to write something here about how that's kind of sweet—in a creepy, super-dorky sort of way—and we were also going to state for the record that NO, KIP, WE ARE NOT DOING THIS, JUST AS WE SAID NO TO YOUR SUGGESTION OF GETTING MARRIED AT THAT CREEPY STAR TREK HOTEL IN LAS VEGAS, AND MAYBE BEFORE YOU START WORRYING ABOUT OUR CREMAINS, YOU SHOULD WRITE OUR DAMNED ANNIVERSARY ON YOUR SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT CALENDAR FOR ONCE! But then we were interrupted by a phone call from an exasperated-sounding Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, who demanded that we print the following missive: "Seriously, you guys. Come on. Stop shooting your garbage into space. Some of us live out here, you know." Man. His quotes are really beginning to suck.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 31 OMG, Lindsay Lohan almost had to fly coach! On her way to Tampa today for the Super Bowl, LiLo was told that due to an overbooked flight, she'd have to sit with those filthy, poor, working-class plebeians in steerage. According to Fox News, Linds "stomped around" in protest before telling a friend who was traveling with her, "You'd better come and visit me back there in case I die." While Lohan's tantrum worked—she was quickly moved up to first class—is anyone else here thinking what we're thinking? If we can just get Lindsay and Ashton together for a reality TV show where they actually had to, you know, deal with reality, we're pretty sure we'd have a smash hit on our hands. Just sayin'.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 1 This week Us magazine ran a story on the first family, using a cover image that was supposed to be Barack and Michelle smiling with their two adorable daughters. Only one thing was missing: Barack, who was cropped out of the photo in order to make room for an image of a recently plumped-up Jessica Simpson! (Headline: "Inside Jess' Weight Battle: 'Jumbo Jessica.'") Oh, America. It's nice to see that immediately following the historic inauguration of a president who's all about change, our priorities are still exactly where they used to be. Namely, up Jessica Simpson's ass.