MONDAY, NOVEMBER 18
Formerly adorable pop star turned major-league douche Justin Bieber has brought his international reign of terror back to his poor, beleaguered neighborhood. On Friday, Das Biebs threw a loud, all-night rager at his Calabasas, California mansion—inviting approximately 100 guests that reportedly included such celebs as the multi-named Snoop Lion, boxer Floyd Mayweather, "woman boxer" Chris Brown, and... hmmm... who else? Oh! According to TMZ, at least "20 big-booty strippers" who remained naked for almost the entirety of the evening. TMZ also found it necessary to add this sentence, which may be the most depressing thing you'll read all week: "[Beside the strippers] the girls who weren't strippers felt self-conscious wearing clothes, so they stripped down too." SIGH. If we ever feel that self-conscious about wearing clothing, please shoot us before we embarrass ourselves to death. BY THE WAY-SIES... If you want to attend a Justin Bieber shindig, and you also happen to be a blabbermouth (we fit that particular bill), be prepared to pay up: Biebs insists that every party guest and worker sign a confidentiality agreement before entering that says if you breathe a word to anyone about anything you see at the party, you automatically owe the host $3 million. That's apparently a discount from his previous confidentiality forms, which reportedly charged loose-lipped guests a whopping $5 million. (Justin must be getting more generous in his old age!)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 19
In news that will undoubtedly shock you to your very core, the acquitted murderer of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin—whom you remember as the gun-toting George Zimmerman—has been arrested... again. And you'll never guess what for: cocking and pointing a loaded shotgun at his girlfriend's face. His lover, Samantha Scheibe, had apparently tried to kick him out of her house when Zimmerman went nuts, breaking a glass coffee table, pointing a shotgun at her (he apparently had four weapons [!!] at the time), and shoving her out of the residence. He then barricaded himself inside, and as the police arrived, he called 911, trying to pin the blame for the event on his girlfriend, claiming she had gone "crazy." The police said, "Uh-huh, yeah, right, whatever," and threw Zimmerman in the clink, where he spent the night before being released on bail. But there's a sliver of sunshine in this head-shaking tale: Zimmerman's estranged wife had been trying to serve him with divorce papers for months, and with little success—until last night, when he was forced to accept the documents while sitting in his jail cell! (Ladies, can we now all agree this guy is bad news? Walk the other way!)
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 20
And speaking of potential lady-killers, abusively violent dickhole Chris Brown has been banned from one rehab for (surprise!) being abusively violent. As you recall, Chris checked himself into rehab late last month as a way of convincing the judge he was ready to deal with his anger management issues... but after only two weeks, the Malibu facility kicked him out for throwing a rock through his visiting mother's car window. According to TMZ, mom had been invited to sit in on a family session, and when she urged her son to stay in rehab for extended treatment, he proved he was perfectly fine and didn't need any further help by flipping out and stoning his mother's car. A judge sentenced him to a different facility to give him yet another chance—because... c'mon! Knocking out your mom's window is a big step up from knocking out your ex-girlfriend.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 21
In a very rare instance of Democrats showing some spine, the Senate finally voted to limit the use of the filibuster when deciding on presidential nominees—but only after the Republicans had abused the fuck out of it. The GOP has sworn to block any executive and judicial branch nominees, and so far have done a pretty fair job of it. For comparison's sake, Senator Harry Reid presented a chart of past executive nominee filibusters, with the most in recent history being nine against the decisions of then President Clinton—but that was until President Obama came along. Since then Republicans have blocked 79 individuals, a number accounting for more than half of all filibustered nominees ever. And yet? After losing the vote, Republicans still cried like tubby little babies who had their cake yanked away. "You think this is in the best interest of the American people?" squealed Senator Mitch McConnell. "You'll regret this. And you may regret it a lot sooner than you think!" Spoken like a true American.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 22
Speaking of tubby little babies, Speaker of the House John Boehner threw a whiny tantrum about how hard it was for him to sign up for Obamacare! "Like many Americans, my experience was pretty frustrating," Boehner blogged, pointing out that he encountered the same error messages that are affecting... well, everybody. "Despite multiple attempts, I was unable to get past that point and sign up for a health plan," Boehner complained. HOWEVER. Salon's Brian Beutler points out that the speaker actually got past the stage where he could shop for plans—and his options weren't half bad! "It turns out Boehner, who as speaker makes $223,500 a year, has a lot of affordable options to choose from," writes Beutler, adding that "as a 64-year-old heavy smoker, it's a marvel Boehner will be able to purchase individual market coverage at all." Here's something else Boehner failed to mention: When he put "a call into the help desk" to ask for help with the website, he was a jerk. "DC health exchange spokesman says Speaker [Boehner's] office kept DC representative on hold 35 minutes, 'lots of patriotic hold music,' hung up," Tweeted Washington DC reporter Scott MacFarlane. IN TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS... The head of the White House Council of Economic Advisors released a report earlier this week that showed Obamacare is already helping. As ThinkProgress summarized, "US health care spending since 2010 has increased by just 1.3 percent—the smallest cost growth over a three-year period in American history." And why? It's thanks, at least in part, to "structural changes made by the Affordable Care Act." Now just imagine how much more we could save if jerks would stop calling health exchanges, making them listen to Toby Keith for a half an hour, and then hanging up.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 23
"You want to know how close we were?" Michael Jackson's doctor and possible murderer, Dr. Conrad Murray, said in an interview with the Daily Mail. Actually, no, Dr. Murray, we don't want to know how clo—"I held his penis every night to fit a catheter because he was incontinent at night," Dr. Murray said. Sweet dreams, dears!
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 24
Not to be outdone by Justin Bieber, formerly adorable pop starlet turned major-league freakshow Miley Cyrus had her 21st birthday party this weekend! Following the American Music Awards, Miley partied hard at Los Angeles' Roosevelt Hotel—and by all accounts, it was way more fun than Buzzkill Bieber's party! "[MiCy] celebrated with booze, celebrities, strippers, and a guest appearance from a Dr. Seuss character," TMZ reports. That Dr. Seuss character? Why, none other than a six-foot-tall the Lorax, of course! Well done, Lorax—you've spoken for the trees quite enough. Now it's time to twerk. Be warned, dears, that the following sentence might be the most depressing thing you'll read all week: We have it on good authority that when the Lorax stood next to all the strippers, he felt self-conscious wearing clothes, so he stripped down too.