BRAD PITT "Ummm... actually I would have preferred a blowie."
BRAD PITT Angelina gives Brad an island with the same shape as the thing she doesn't have.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 25

Happy birthday, Miley Cyrus: You've been BURGLED. Readers of One Day at a Time will undoubtedly remember last week's retelling of Miley's epic birthday party, which included twerking strippers, the Lorax, and reportedly a teepee (oooh, how multicultural). Unfortunately, along with her numerous gifts, she also received a good, old-fashioned burglary. A thief or thieves broke into Miley's Studio City, California residence last Friday, and reportedly absconded with $100,000 in jewelry and purses—and among those trinkets? It's suspected they took her engagement ring from former boy toy Liam "Not Thor" Hemsworth! (Not that she was using it anymore... burrrrrn.) MEANWHILE... Ms. Miley has also made GQ's list of "25 Least Influential Celebrities of 2013," because they are trolls and eat a bag of dicks. GQ also included Lady Gaga and President Obama on that list, because they know saying blatantly idiotic things gets them attention, and they eat the aforementioned bag of dicks. (Strangely, they didn't include outdated and irrelevant metrosexual men's magazines in their non-influential roundup. We know! Weirrrrrrd.) ALSO! The Daily Mail reports that homewrecker-turned-humanitarian Angelina Jolie gave hubby Brad Pitt something extra special for his birthday. Sorry, guys... it wasn't a "blowie," it was a $20 million heart-shaped island. Located 50 miles away from New York City, the private island sports sprawling forests and two properties designed by famed architect Frank Lloyd Wright. In a related story, for our birthday Hubby Kip bought us a polka-dot Totes umbrella. Needless to say, he did not get a "blowie."

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 26

Thanksgiving is just around the corner, but we'd like to express our thanks a wee bit early—for the always-golden quotes of Kanye West. He's been on a promotional tour all week, interviewing with various radio stations and news outlets, and dropping pearls of questionable wisdom all along the way. For example: "I don't think [the Kardashian family] get enough credit for what they do," he unimaginably said out loud. "They prep America to accept interracial relationships." GO ON. "Vanity Fair... wants to say that Kate Upton is Marilyn Monroe. Kate Upton ain't Marilyn Monroe, Kim [Kardashian] is Marilyn Monroe." GO ON. "My daughter [North West] is in a position of a level of royalty like the prince and princess in London." GO ON. "I'm the Tupac of product. You're gonna see I'm better than Ralph Lauren, you're gonna see that I'm gonna be bigger than H&M, bigger than Louis Vuitton." AND... "If [Kim and I] were to break up, I'd be the one that's looked at as an asshole." Mmmmaybe... but don't forget! Kim Kardashian is the Marilyn Monroe—of assholes.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 27

You know... every time Alec Baldwin opens his mouth, we hate him a little bit more. As dutifully reported a couple of weeks ago, the formerly coolest Baldwin got in trouble again for allegedly calling a photog a "cocksucking fag," according to the New York Daily News. Unbelievable for someone with such a liberal pedigree? Perhaps... if he hadn't already called his then 11-year-old daughter a "thoughtless little pig" and gay Daily Mail writer George Stark a "toxic little queen," among numerous other outbursts. Well, today he paid for his big yap when his new MSNBC political talk show was unceremoniously cancelled by parent company Comcast, who quickly grew tired of his hotheaded antics as well as his low ratings. Of course, according to Alec Baldwin, most of this was not his fault. "You've got the fundamentalist wing of gay advocacy—Rich Ferraro and Andrew Sullivan," Baldwin said to Gothamist. "They killed my show." Baldwin then grudgingly added, "And I have to take some responsibility for that myself." It's official—we're done with Alec Baldwin. (And by extension 30 Rock reruns and Capital One commercials!)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 28

For those keeping score at home, after two years of separation, creepy Ashton Kutcher and mommy-wife Demi Moore are officially DIVORCED. (Let the Mila Kunis "baby bump" countdown begin!) MEANWHILE... Let's check in on anger management poster child Chris Brown and his latest antics in rehab! As you recall, he was in a facility for two weeks to deal with rage issues—but was kicked out after losing his temper and throwing a rock through his mother's car window. Now he's at a new clinic, where he had to give up his phone, the internet... and worst of all, his weed. According to TMZ, Chris nearly flipped out again when the rehab staff took away his pot—because he claims it's the one thing that calms him down. And yet? They confiscated it anyway. (Might want to check your facility's insurance plan, guys. And while you're at it? Remove any "rock-like" objects.)

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 29

Happy Black Friday, dears! In a proud tradition that has come to overshadow something people once called "Thanksgiving," today American citizens who have yet to hear of "the internet," "common sense," or "shame" lined up for hours to buy crap they won't ever use! And, as is tradition, everything went terribly. "Several outbreaks of violence have marred the US Black Friday shopping frenzy, as bargain-hunters besieged malls across the US," the BBC reported, shaking their heads from across the pond. The BBC went on to mention a Chicago police officer who "shot a suspected shoplifter driving a car that was dragging a fellow officer at a Kohl's department store," that a Philadelphia woman "used a stun gun on another," that "a police officer's wrist was broken as he tried to break up a fight between two men in the queue" at a California Walmart, that a "man was stabbed in an argument over a parking space" at a Virginia Walmart, and, last but not least, that "a shopper in Las Vegas who was carrying a big-screen TV home from a Target store on Thanksgiving was shot in the leg as he tried to wrestle the item back from a robber who had just stolen it from him at gunpoint." Ah, Black Friday: It's what happens when Americans expect a higher standard of living than they can afford, then go absolutely bugfuck Amanda Bynes crazy to achieve it. Thanks for nothing, pilgrims!

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 30

In news of the sad: Today Paul Walker, star of the Fast & Furious films, died in a car crash in Los Angeles. Walker was riding in the passenger seat of his friend's Porsche when it crashed into a tree; he'd been coming from a fundraising event for the victims of Typhoon Haiyan, where Walker was representing the first-responder charity he co-founded, Reach Out Worldwide. As someone who's regularly been forced by Hubby Kip to watch all six Fast & Furiouses, we always thought the likeable Walker seemed like a pretty good guy. RIP. MEANWHILE... The NSA reading your email and tracking your phone? OLD NEWS. But here's some new news! "The National Security Agency has been gathering records of online sexual activity and evidence of visits to pornographic websites as part of a proposed plan to harm the reputations of those whom the agency believes are radicalizing others through incendiary speeches," reports the Huffington Post. So far, the victims of the NSA's sex-snoops are all Muslim, with at least one being an American citizen or permanent resident—but if the NSA's recent history is any indication, they haven't stopped there. Which means they know exactly what you like, too. (So do they still make adult magazines? Untraceable, non-incriminating adult magazines? We fully expect Hubby Kip will have to... ah... modify some of his habits.)

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 1

While One Day at a Time is clearly the best gossip column in America—let's be honest: It just hasn't been the same since Lindsay Lohan got her life together. The formerly reliable starlet was once a goldmine of gossipy goodness, but now she's the worst thing anyone in Hollyweird can be: boring. But that might be changing (hooray!) as someone finally told Linds about a little videogame called Grand Theft Auto V—a game that, as TMZ notes, features "a woman holding a cell phone who looks Lindsay-ish" on the cover, as well as missions in which "a Lindsay Lohan look-alike asks the player to take her home and escape the paparazzi" and "another Lindsay-like character" who hangs out at a hotel that looks an awful lot like Lindsay's old digs at the Chateau Marmont. As a result, LiLo's reportedly planning on suing, which seems like an excellent use of everyone's time, and certainly not a silly, attention-grabbing publicity stunt that... wait. Wait a minute. Well played, Lindsay. Well played. And welcome back!