MONDAY, DECEMBER 2
Soooo... how are things going financially for you? A bit tight this year? Well, you're not the only ones! So many are struggling to make ends meet—especially when it comes to holiday spending. Except of course, the modern-day version of the Gorgons, the Kardashian family, who spent a whopping $250,000 on their annual Christmas card photo shoot—in which they're pictured standing on piles of money. The picture, taken by very prestigious photographer David LaChapelle, and sent out to a world that definitely didn't request it, shows most of the Kardashian Klan in glamorous outfits posing atop a floor littered with money and gossip tabloids. Because... they want to make a sardonic comment on how they exploit tabloids to make scads of money? Or perhaps because... they're rich and you're poor, and they want to make sure you're all reminded of that fact? OH, THESE KARDASHIANS—how they do love to baffle! MEANWHILE... Congratulations to actress Maria Bello (best known for her turns in Coyote Ugly, The Cooler, and Grown Ups) as well as British Olympic high diver Tom Daley—who both came bounding out of the closet this weekend. Bello wrote a beautiful, stirring piece for the New York Times on falling in love with her female best friend, and becoming a better parent to her child. Meanwhile, the high-diving Daley also came out in a YouTube confession in which he says he "met someone and it made me feel so happy, so safe... that someone is a guy." Kudos to both Maria and Tom for their bravery. Confessions like these make the world such a better place (now if we can only figure out a way to get rid of all the Kardashians...).
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 3
Former mop-topped boy-band member Joe Jonas also came out today—as someone who has been irreparably harmed by the Disney machine, oh-boo-hoo-hoo! In a New York magazine article, Joe spilled the beans on a variety of topics including losing his virginity when he was 20 (snore), smoking dope for the first time when he was 17 and in the company of Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus (slightly more interesting), and the horrible, HORRIBLE things that the Disney company did to make him a very, very rich teenager. "I had to shave every day," Joe admitted, forcing back a flood of tears. "Because they wanted me to pretend like I was 16 when I was 20." OH DEAR GOD. They expected an actor to... to... act?!? YOU... MONSTERS! Joe continued, "We went along with it at the time, because we thought Disney was our only real shot, and we were terrified that it could all be taken away from us at any moment." Oh, you poor, poor, tortured man. Just imagine a world without the Jonas Brothers! It'd be like living in a world without something no one ever cared about. AND WE DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THAT WORLD.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 4
We also live in a world where professional dreamboat George Clooney prefers to repeatedly torture us—even though by now he knows... he clearly knows... how we feel about him! In an interview today with W Magazine, he is asked to name the love of his life. And his response was apparently designed to crush our very soul. "I haven't met her yet," George blithely retorted, while knowing full well that we've been writing about (and throwing ourselves at) him for the entire lifetime of this column. Seriously... what more do we have to do? We promised we would leave Hubby Kip! (Don't worry, we have an "arrangement." We've promised to let him go if Mila Kunis/Jennifer Lawrence ever became interested [ha, as if].) You "haven't met" the girl of your dreams, George? Well... we're standing right here! We're that girl... standing in front of a boy... asking him to love her!! (Note to readers: We don't have his email address... can someone send him the URL for this piece? Thanks!)
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 5
Meanwhile, "tiger blood-filled warlock" Charlie Sheen was photographed over the Thanksgiving weekend using his tongue to massage the tonsils of 24-year-old porn star Brett Rossi (seen in such classic films as Lesbian Workout, Bondage Tongue Bath, and Seduced by Mommy 2). Who knows? Maybe she's his "George Clooney"! Good luck, you crazy kids! (Sob. Please, George. At this point, we'd settle for a retweet.)
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 6
Speaking of (ugh) "love"—Tom Cruise is back in it! This time the lucky (?), far-younger-than-him lady is That '70s Show and Orange Is the New Black star Laura Prepon, who—unlike Cruise's former child bride (AKA the ungrateful, freethinking Katie Holmes)—is also a Scientologist! "It's clear Tom is smitten and after the date he was on cloud nine," a source tells Grazia. "Then [Prepon] accompanied him a few days later to a dinner party at John's [Travolta] home." A Scientologist dinner party at the Travoltas'? My, doesn't that just sound utterly creepy and—ONE MOMENT, DEARS... We've just received a galactic holo-chat from Emperor Klaktu, Galactic Warlord of Rigel VII and Scientology's chief spokesalien! "Ann, I ask you to leave Tom—and Laura—in peace," Klaktu whined. "They've just been on a couple of dates! There's nothing to gossip about! Don't stifle love's sweet blossom 'fore it blooms! There has to be something else for you to cover, right? Hey, I'll find some gossip for you to cover! Sound like a plan? Good plan, Ann! Okay! BRB. [Slam.]"
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 7
Well, looks like Anne Hathaway (ugh!) and Gwyneth Paltrow (double ugh!) have company! Joining the ranks of Hollyweird's most loathed actresses is none other than Zooey Deschanel—who according to Radar, is "a nasty boss who treats her coworkers badly" and "has gone from new girl to mean girl," acting nothing short of "horrible" on the set of her sitcom New Girl. "Zooey rules the roost," an insider tells Radar. "And she gets moody and starts making rules on the set which is upsetting a lot of the cast and crew members." And when the cast and crew don't cater to Zoo-Zoo's every whimsical whim? "She's unhappy and all hell breaks loose," the insider adds. A-ha! We knew that twee cutesiness had to be an act! For all our sakes, let's hope Zooey never gets in the same room with Anne or Gwynnie—if that happens, we're pretty sure all of Los Angeles will turn into a Hellmouth.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 8
Faithful readers of One Day will surely remember Sam Lutfi—the former manager of Britney Spears, and a sleazebag of the highest order. Lutfi apparently misses being able to exploit Brit-Brit, so naturally, he took to his Twatter machine to release a series of purported texts from Britney that give a sad, strange look into the singer's life. "My mom and dad are soo mean," Britney allegedly texted to Lutfi. "They don't care about me, they just want my money and my babies. They stole my voice and scarred me for life. I will never forgive them they tapped my phone so we are goin to get in trouble I hate my life ivr become a nobody... All they care about is $$$$." Oof. Hey, Los Angeles—can you hurry up and turn into that Hellmouth already? And then swallow Sam Lutfi? MEANWHILE... Well, dears, Emperor Klaktu just beamed into our office. Sigh. "I found it!" he screeched, his slime-slathered tentacles waving furiously. "I found another gossip story for you, Ann! One that doesn't have anything to do with Tom!" He then cleared the acid from his exo-thorax and began to read from his iPad. "According to TMZ, Ann, and I quote, 'The guy who played Goldberg the Goalie in The Mighty Ducks is accused of trying to PEE on his ex-girlfriend... ha, ha... after allegedly... um... oh, dear... punching her in the face.'" Klaktu paused. "Oh," he said. "This... this is little more intense than I imagined. I just read the headline 'Goldberg from Mighty Ducks: HE TRIED TO PEE ON ME,' and, ummm... you see, I thought this story would be... funnier than it turned out to be? But... yeah. It's not. Sooooo... I'll... okay, let's try this one! According to People magazine, 'Susan Boyle says she has been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, a form of... of....' Oh, nobody knows who Susan Boyle is, do they? Dammit, this gossiping thing is hard. I'll... I'll be going now. My apologies for intruding. And for trying to do your job. And for leaving these reeking mucus stains on your carpet. Say hi to Kip for me. [Slam.]"