MONDAY, DECEMBER 9
Just when you think Lindsay Lohan is clawing her way out of the gossip rags—Paris Hilton's family just keeps pulling her back in! Remember the halcyon days of 2006 when every young starlet was climbing out of a limo sans underpants, and Paris' pal/douchehole Brandon Davis infamously called LiLo "firecrotch"? (Good times. Good times.) Well, this weekend that ages-old rivalry was reignited when Paris' brother Barron Hilton was beaten to a pulp at a party by Lindsay's pal Ray LeMoine—and Barron is claiming that Lohan ordered the hit! According to TMZ, Barron overstayed his welcome at a party held at LeMoine's rental house, where Linds was a houseguest. Barron was asked to leave, and didn't, pulling the old "Do you know who I am?" card. A brawl ensued and Barron got his rich pretty-boy face beaten in. (We're not choosing sides, BTW! Really!) Anyway, police were called and Barron squealed to the cops that Lindsay is the one who told LeMoine to turn the rich boy's face into mincemeat. Unfortunately for Barron, everybody else—including reps and witnesses on the scene—deny his unbelievable claim... but that didn't stop big sis Paris Hilton from issuing a Mafioso-like threat! After Barron posted a rather grotesque pic of his mushed face on Instagram, Paris commented thusly: "They both will pay for what they did. No one fucks with my family and gets away with it!!!" And to prove she really means business, Paris added two hothead emoticons at the end! (Note to Paris: Not a criticism, just something to think about... Tony Soprano never used emoticons.)
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 10
Aging pop star/professional dickhead Justin Bieber continues his international reign of terror: Now he's in Australia, insulting plus-sized gals by the pool! While strutting around shirtless at Perth's Hyatt Regency, Biebs interacted with four bikinied young ladies at the pool, according to hotel guest Helen Robinett (an account which other guests corroborated): "One girl who was gorgeous looking, with long dark hair and would have been about a size 14. Justin looked over at her and said, 'What are you, Hawaiian or something?' She said, 'No, I'm not.' Then he said, 'You look like a beached whale.' The girl said, 'Are you serious?' and he said, 'You should go on The Biggest Loser [the reality show about weight loss].'" Ummmm... OH. NO. HE. DID. NOT. Another witness chimed in, noting that the girl "was almost in tears" after the exchange, while another source said, "I saw Bieber make a gesture with his hands to imitate a large belly as he spoke to the girl." GRRRRRR. In the words of Paris Hilton and Tony Soprano, that disgusting little shithead "will pay for what he did." NO EMOTICONS!
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 11
The outragebots at Fox News blared the following headline today: "Obama Creates International Incident with 'Selfie' at Mandela Service." Remember when "international incidents" used to be reserved for things like... oh, we don't know... the Bay of Pigs? OH, FOX NEWS YOU ARE HILARIOUS. (And stupid.) Anyway, because Fox News never let facts get in the way of their reporting, it was actually Denmark's Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt who snapped the offending photo at Nelson Mandela's memorial, which also included Obama and Brit Prime Minister David Cameron. And here's some actual context for the photo (another thing that Fox News despises) from the photographer who saw the whole thing go down. "All around me in the stadium, South Africans were dancing, singing, and laughing to honor their departed leader," wrote photojournalist Roberto Schmidt in response to the manufactured hubbub. "At the time, I thought the world leaders were simply acting like human beings, like me and you. I doubt anyone could have remained stony faced for the duration of the ceremony, while tens of thousands of people were celebrating in the stadium... I guess it's a sign of our times that this image seemed to get more attention than the event itself. Go figure." RELATED... Fox News can go fuck itself.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 12
In another "international incident" which should surprise no one, tantrum-throwing megalomaniac Kanye West kicked a fan out of his concert this past weekend for asking him to take off the creepy "artistic" mask he was wearing. After the fan made her request, Kanye stopped the show to respond to the woman, saying, "You can see my face on the internet every motherfucking day. I came here, I open up a mountain... and you tryin' to tell me how to give you my art." As he signaled security to eject the paying customer from the show, he yelled, "Do I look like a motherfucking comedian? Don't fucking heckle me. I'm Kanye motherfucking West!" Fine. Put the mask back on... and keep it there. We're sick of seeing your stupid face.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 13
This just in: A young woman in London's West End recently spotted Shia LaBeouf at a popular restaurant. (This story gets more interesting, promise.) Unlike what would happen in America—bored indifference, someone loudly asking if Optimus Prime had a reservation for two—this young woman, giddy at seeing LaBeef, rushed over to say hi! (And thus we add "Shia LaBeouf" to the list of terrible things British people like: Marmite, spotted dick, and Keira Knightley.) LaBeouf rudely sent the woman away—and when her boyfriend told LaBeouf he didn't appreciate his caddish behavior, the actor allegedly went "out of control" and offered quite the threat! "I can get you killed," LaBeouf growled at the man, according to The Sun! Be warned, Brits: Approach Shia LaBeouf at your own peril, lest he choose to unleash a totally imaginary, utterly preposterous threat in your direction. Next time, just let him enjoy his dinner with Bumblebee in peace.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 14
"I feel sorry for them," professional musician and statutory urinator R. Kelly recently said about those who dare to criticize Chris Brown. Kelly added that Brown is "obviously one strong individual to be able to do what he's done [like nearly beat Rihanna to death!—Ann]. He got knocked down a little bit [just like Rihanna!—Ann] and he climbed up. You know, that sounds like Ali to me. That sounds like Martin Luther King to me. That sounds like a lot of the greats that have walked this earth. It even sounds a little bit like Jesus to me." Oh no, R. Kelly. Oh no. MEANWHILE, IN KARMIC PAYBACK... In the latest reminder why celebs should just not be on Twitter, R. Kelly stupidly fired up his Twatter machine to promote his new album, the tastefully titled Black Panties! "I want all my fans and everyone out there to know that this is REALLY me answering your questions, so fire away #AskRKelly #BlackPanties," Kelly tweeted. Twitter responded exactly as it should, using #AskRKelly to REALLY ask R. Kelly questions: "on a scale of one to rkelly how much do you enjoy peeing on people" (nice one, @schmollerz). And: "Hey @rkelly is there such a thing as too young for you? And what would that be – 5, 6?" (@carolynedgar); "so R do you use flash cards to show what sexual positions you want to do?" (BlackRickFlair); and, last but not least, "On a scale from 1 to 10, how old is your girlfriend?" (@j_boi3000). Well done, Twitter, and well done, humanity.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 15
As reported earlier this week, South Africa—and the rest of the world—mourned as Nelson Mandela was laid to rest. When Barack Obama wasn't taking selfies, he was giving a stirring eulogy... and was joined onstage by a sign language interpreter who translated—WAIT JUST A MINUTE. "Advocates for the deaf say [the sign language interpreter] was a faker," the AP reports! According to Bruno Druchen, national director of the Deaf Federation of South Africa, the man gesturing onstage was "moving his hands around, but there was no meaning in what he used his hands for." "The closest the man's gestures came to anything in sign language might possibly be the words for 'running horse,' 'friend,' or 'beyond,' but only by someone who signs terribly," said Ingrid Parkin, principal of Johannesburg's St. Vincent School for the Deaf. "It's absolutely impossible that he is any kind of interpreter," Parkin added. "Or a language person at all, because he's not even using a language there." All right, dears: We don't like to speak of it any more than you like to think of it, but when the dark day comes for our funeral, let it be known that we only want four speakers: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Michael Fassbender, and Amy Poehler. All of their beautiful eulogies should, of course, be translated by the brave, unknown South African sign language interpreter. Also, there should totes be an open bar. Such is our will. Let it be done.