IN RETROSPECT, it seems so clear. Last week, we counted down the candidates for The Absolute Worst Person in the World for 2013 Ever... which means this week, we've finally found the number one, no-doubt-about-it, 100 percent MOST TERRIBLE person of 2013! Now that it's been decided, we can't belieb we ever thought it could be anyone else.—Ann
SUNDAY, JANUARY 6, 2013
THIS JUST IN: Justin Bieber is a huge pothead! Pics have been snapped in a Newport Beach hotel room, and Gawker described the scene thusly: Bieber, wearing "a sweatshirt like an unemployed person" and surrounded by friends drinking beers, was holding "what appears to be a joint." Naturally, Justin hopped on the Twatter to (sort of) apologize to his fans—most of whom are of the age where they're still being told marijuana is the same as crack. "i see all of u. i hear all of u. i never want to let any of you down. i love u. and...thank u. #beliebers," he twatted, adding "everyday growing and learning. trying to be better. u get knocked down, u get up." Indeed, Justin. It's such a hard-knock life.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23
Why did Disney princess Selena Gomez break it off with Justin Bieber? According to Star, it's because he was getting stoned and having sex with a 22-year-old nursing student! The report states that he picked up the young miss at the Beverly Hills Four Seasons, bought some weed, went to McDonald's, and retired to his hotel where they smoked, drank sizzurp, talked about his intentions to build a hookah room in his house (gross), and engaged in weird sexual activity where she was nude and he was not. Kids these days! Sizzurp we can understand, but clothed sex? That's just weeeeird.
MONDAY, MARCH 25
Justin Bieber is being investigated for alleged battery! According to TMZ, police were called to the 19-year-old's Calabasas, California mansion this morning following an "intense" verbal altercation with a neighbor regarding the singer's new Ferrari—which Biebs was allegedly racing up and down the street at speeds up to 100 MPH. The neighbor reportedly confronted Bieber, at which point Bieber lost his tiny mind, began screaming in the neighbor's face, and "made physical contact" with him. Given that Li'l Biebs weighs about 70 pounds, we declare this battery... adorable!
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27
Justin Bieber defended his terrible reputation today, moaning to Us, "I want to be a good role model, but some people want me to fail." We're glad he brought that up, because we have more details on his screaming match with his neighbor! According to TMZ, when the neighbor confronted Biebs, the star screamed, "Get the fuck out of here," spit in the man's face, and ended the conversation with "I'm gonna fucking kill you!" Good role modeling, Justin!
SUNDAY, APRIL 14
Currently touring Europe, Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam. The Telegraph reports he spent an hour touring the museum—no doubt learning about Anne Frank, her years in hiding, and how one young girl's experiences can drastically affect our perceptions of one of humanity's darkest periods. Then, when he was finished, Bieber signed the museum's guestbook—at which point he wrote three sentences that shall echo throughout history. "Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl," Bieber wrote. "Hopefully she would have been a belieber."
SUNDAY, MAY 19
You heard it here first: Germany owns Justin Bieber's monkey! Not that they want to own Justin Bieber's monkey—it's just that Bieber abandoned it there, showing up without the proper customs paperwork for "Mally," a sweet capuchin monkey, and then leaving as officials tried to sort out the situation. Now Bieber is being billed "several thousand euros for food, care, and vet visits," according to the LA Times. Meanwhile, emails from Bieber's management team "said that [Bieber] didn't want the monkey anymore and asked that it be placed in a zoo"—despite the fact that Mally, who is only 20 weeks old, should never have been separated from his mother this early. Not to mention that Mally would first need to be socialized with other capuchins—so far, he's only been socialized with Biebers... and that's no way for any creature to live.
TUESDAY, MAY 21
While accepting an award at the Billboard Music Awards, Bieber showed up wearing leather pants, sunglasses, and a massive chip on his shoulder. "I'm 19 years old," he said in his acceptance speech. "I think I'm doing a pretty good job. And basically, from my heart, I really just want to say, it should really be about the music, it should be about the craft that I'm making.... I'm an artist, and I should be taken seriously." The audience reacted by booing. Well said, audience!
MONDAY, JUNE 10
Justin Bieber was recently seen leaving Miley Cyrus' residence driving a leopard-print Audi R8 and covering his face in apparent hopes we wouldn't recognize him?!? HEY JUSTIN: YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO WOULD EVER DRIVE A LEOPARD-PRINT AUDI.
MONDAY, JULY 8
Today TMZ unveiled a video depicting young Mr. Bieber and a gaggle of his buddies leaving a nightclub through the establishment's kitchen... when Justin stops and pees into the restaurant's mop bucket, laughing uproariously. (Though we can't imagine whoever has to empty the bucket finding it all that humorous.) Bieber is also seen in the video spraying a photo of former President Bill Clinton with cleaning liquid and yelling, "Fuck Bill Clinton!" Bieber probably thought this was also hilarious... until the video came to the attention of... former President Bill Clinton. (Uh-OH.) Probably upon the frantic advice of Bieber's publicist, Justin apologized to Clinton for his idiotic actions. The former president jovially laughed off the incident... but advised the pop singer (according to E! Online) to "focus on the good he can do for the world." Good luck with that.
TUESDAY, JULY 16
You know it's Tuesday when Justin Bieber does some good for the world spits in some random person's face. This week, Biebs suspected a club DJ was taking pictures of him, and, despite the absence of any pictures on the victim's phone, Bieber allegedly screamed at the DJ, "Your mother is a bitch, your father is a bitch, and you are a bitch," followed by a big spit in the face. On the upside, Justin's legion of tween fans have offered to buy the DJ's face for $10 million.
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
While touring the Great Wall of China, L'il Biebs' legs found they could no longer support his spindly body—so the singer forced his bodyguards to carry him on their shoulders. When they arrived at the peak, the young douche twattered, "We made it up top!! #GreatWall."
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 2
Bringing his International Reign of Terror to South America, "Justin Bieber tried to sneak out of a brothel in Brazil while covered in a sheet," Page Six reports, adding, "the 19-year-old pop star and a friend spent more than three hours in the popular whorehouse Centauros in Rio de Janeiro." While Bieber's handlers, in an admirable but stupid attempt at subtlety, "covered him with a bed sheet" as he left the brothel, Justin was identified "by his gray wraparound wrist tattoo, which is visible in some photos, and his signature sneakers." While Bieber—we mean, a mysterious ghost—was whisked away to the Copacabana Palace hotel, he was reportedly joined by two ladies from Centauros—adding fuel to rumors that last week he paid a prostitute $500 for sex in Panama City! "Please stop believing rumors, they are just that. bs rumors, getting tired of it, no truth to them. moving on now. seriously moving on," Bieber angst-tweeted. (By "moving on," we assume he meant "to the next whorehouse.")
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 18
Welcome home, Justin! Last weekend, Das Biebs threw an all-night rager at his California mansion—inviting approximately 100 guests that reportedly included such celebs as the multi-named Snoop Lion, boxer Floyd Mayweather, "woman boxer" Chris Brown, and... hmmm... who else? Oh! According to TMZ, at least "20 big-booty strippers" who remained naked for almost the entirety of the evening. TMZ also found it necessary to add this sentence, which may be the most depressing thing you'll read all year: "[Beside the strippers] the girls who weren't strippers felt self-conscious wearing clothes, so they stripped down too." SIGH. If we ever feel that self-conscious about wearing clothes, please shoot us before we embarrass ourselves to death.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 17
"Um, I'm actually, I'm retiring man, I'm retiring," Justin Bieber said in an interview with radio station Power 106 today. "[I'm] just going to take some time. I think I'm probably going to quit music." Maybe 2013 will be a year we remember fondly after all!