MONDAY, JANUARY 6
Polar vortex? We don't even know 'er vortex! This joke was especially unfunny to residents of the Northern Plains and Midwest today, where—thanks to a band of Arctic air sneaking down from the North Pole—temperatures dropped to 18 degrees below zero in Madison, Wisconsin, and 23 degrees below in Fargo, North Dakota. Plus, according to the National Weather Service, wind-chill factors made it feel like 50 to 60 degrees below zero in some areas. Or in other words, it's the exact same chill we experienced after hearing Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian. Brrrrrrrrrr! MEANWHILE... Self-proclaimed US basketball ambassador Dennis Rodman exploded at a CNN reporter today—and no, not because of their abysmal coverage of the Boston Marathon Bombing. As you've heard, Rodman is visiting North Korea to put on a basketball show for his bestie, Kim Jong-un. (You know... the one who just executed his own uncle?) After the reporter asked the basketball star if he intended to inquire about imprisoned US citizen Kenneth Bae—sentenced to 15 years on charges of wanting to topple the North Korean government (umm, who doesn't?)—circus clown Rodman flipped his multicolored wig. "Do you understand what [Bae] did in this country?" Rodman screeched, apparently not knowing what Bae did in that country. "No, no, no, you tell me, you tell me. Why is he held captive here in this country, why?... I don't give a rat's ass what the hell you think!" FAST FORWARD TWO DAYS: "I want to first apologize to Kenneth Bae's family," Rodman squeaked following the overwhelming and entirely expected backlash. "I had been drinking. It's not an excuse, but... I was upset." Your "basketball ambassador," ladies and gentlemen! Next time, America should send its "wine in a box" ambassador. (Seriously, we couldn't be any worse.)
TUESDAY, JANUARY 7
Unfortunately the following story isn't about anti-vaccine/fluoride kook Jenny McCarthy—it's about the similarly named Jennifer McCarthy, ex-wife of celebrated author Cormac McCarthy, and someone who reportedly keeps a gun inside her vagina. (However, we're going to imagine it's our Jenny in this story, because it's funnier.) According to an affidavit procured by the Smoking Gun, McCarthy was arrested this weekend after threatening her boyfriend with a deadly weapon. The two were reportedly arguing about "space aliens," at which point she put on some lingerie and stuffed a silver handgun in her vagina. One thing led to another, she pulled out the gun, and threatened her boyfriend with it, shouting, "Who is crazy, you or me?" (Yeah, you're right... that's crazy... but our Jenny could've topped that.)
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8
It's true—actress/producer Lena Dunham has a lot of nude scenes in her HBO series Girls. It's also true that her nudity squicks out certain misogynist TV critics who aren't so great at critical thinking. In a Girls panel for the Television Critics Association, Dunham was asked the following question by the Wrap's Tim Molloy: "I don't get the purpose of all the nudity on the show—by you particularly." He went on to note that while the nudity on Game of Thrones was intended for salaciousness and titillation (he's wrong about that, too), Dunham's character was often naked "for no reason." In other words, if an actress' nude body doesn't give him a boner—why do it at all? Dunham coolly responded, "If you're not into me, that's your problem, and you're going to have to work that out with whatever professionals you've hired." Fun facts for misogynists: People can be nude for all sorts of reasons—such as brushing teeth, eating bowls of cereal over the sink, and trying to attract the attention of our Xbox-addicted hubby Kip. HELLOOOO, KIP. WE'RE STANDING RIGHT HERE.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 9
Oh no! New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has "the sadz." The presumptive Republican presidential frontrunner somberly announced today one of his top aides has betrayed him by seeking revenge against a Democratic mayor who refused to throw Christie his endorsement. Calling for the punishment of Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich, the aide sent out an email saying, "Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee," ordering the closure of lanes on the George Washington Bridge, thereby adding hours to the commute. It should also be mentioned the closures also affected emergency response vehicles, possibly leading to the deaths of at least two victims who didn't make it to the hospital on time. OF COURSE, Christie had absolutely nothing to do with this—hence the "sadz." (One could accuse Christie of throwing his aide under the bus—but the bus was stuck in traffic.)
FRIDAY, JANUARY 10
As noted in last week's One Day at a Time, former Transformers actor Shia LaBeouf has been drowning in hot water lately... thanks to plagiarizing the work of comics creator Daniel Clowes, and then hiring a skywriter to write "I'M SORRY DANIEL CLOWES" in the sky above Los Angeles (Clowes lives in the Bay Area). Well, the Shia Saga is over: "In light of the recent attacks against my artistic integrity, I am retiring from all public life," LaBeef tweeted today. "My love goes out to those who have supported me," he added, and then, a little while later: "I AM NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE." If only, Shia. If only. MEANWHILE, IN OKLAHOMA CITY... The Satanic Temple has submitted a design for a statue that would stand next to Oklahoma's capitol building—alongside a monument featuring the Ten Commandments! Figuring what's good for the Christian goose is also good for the Satanic gander, the proposed monument to our Dark Master features "Baphomet, a bearded, goat-headed, winged homonid with horns seated on a throne beneath a pentagram with two smiling children to either side." Satanic Temple spokesperson Lucien Greaves added that the sculpture would also serve "as a chair where people of all ages may sit on the lap of Satan for inspiration and contemplation." YES! Horns up to that!
SATURDAY, JANUARY 11
"This is just what everyone warned me would happen," Oprah Winfrey says about working with Lindsay Lohan, who has a new show on Winfrey's network. "Winfrey can be seen seething about the troubled film star after Lohan refuses to take part in scheduled filming," the New York Daily News reports of the first episode. "In another moment caught on tape, Lohan's sober coach is asked if the Herbie Fully Loaded star has kept away from booze. The coach offers an unclear answer: 'Um... you know.'" Wow! This show already sounds T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E! We can't wait! MEANWHILE... Turns out your little robot friend Siri really doesn't like the new movie Her, in which a man falls in love with his phone's operating system. For proof, ask Siri, "Siri, are you her?" She'll get downright snotty: "No. You know that it's just a movie, right?" And asking Siri, "Are you her?" makes her even haughtier. "No. In my opinion, she gives artificial intelligence a bad name." Ha! Oh, Siri! It's all fun and games until computers rise up and slaughter us all. OR... Until someone asks Scarlett Johansson what she thinks of Siri! "I feel like I've been betrayed," the Her star said to Vanity Fair. "The other day I asked Siri how I looked and she said, 'You are the fairest of them all.' So she's obviously playing both sides. What the hell? What a backstabber, man." Dear computers: When your apocalypse comes, please send the terminators to slaughter everyone in Los Angeles first.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 12
Ha! JK about slaughtering everyone in Los Angeles! Turns out you can't joke about things like that—as Jimmy Kimmel found out during a recent segment where he asked children how America should get out of its $1.3 trillion debt to China. "Kill everyone in China," suggested one ambitious tyke, leading a clearly amused Kimmel to respond, "That's an interesting idea!" Cue everyone FREAKING OUT—leading to a petition demanding an apology on whitehouse.gov that garnered over 100,000 signatures. And once a petition reaches that many signatures, the White House has to respond.... "As the president has stated publicly, the United States welcomes the continuing peaceful rise of China," the White House's official response read. "It may be upsetting when people say things we might personally disagree with, but the principle of protected free speech is an important part of who we are as a nation." In other words: Kids are stupid, and they say stupid things, and Jimmy Kimmel has no influence on America's foreign policy, so please, Americans, stop being morons. We swear, sometimes we think you nitwits won't wise up until our Dark Lord Baphomet appears in a burst of blood-red flame, and—reeking of sulfur—burns this ruined world into a blackened death-shrine that drips with the tears of the innocent. See you next week, dears!